The Plural of Apocalypse

Paranormal Activity: Why what's in your bed might be scarier than what's under it...

2009-10-19T15:10:00.005-05:00

First things first: Paranormal Activity (PA) is NOT scary, at least in my opinion. But as far as horror goes, it fits the bill. I found this movie to be creepy, unsettling, and in some ways horrific. Terrifying? Not so much. There are also some absolutely hilarious parts, so in the tradition of quality horror, there is enough humor to keep you from having nightmares.

Secondly: Katie looks like a normal woman. Which is thrilling! Really, ladies if you want to go see a movie with a normal looking woman in it apparently you have to see low budget horror movies. Katie, thank you for representing the size 8-12 crowd! WE LOVE YOU!

My favorite horror movies are the ones where less is seen and more is heard. There is nothing quite as unsettling as hearing footsteps or whispers from another room, but not knowing if anything is really there. This film excels at keeping whatever is harassing them a secret. In the end we don’t even really know what it looks like; we only ever really see the results of what it has done.

The run down: The premise is this: Katie and Micah are a young couple who have recently moved in together. Where the film picks up is several days/occurrences into their paranormal experience. Micah buys a camera with the intention of dispelling Katie’s fears, and showing her it’s nothing to be scared of. Micah also seems to fancy himself a bit of an amateur film maker and instead of just filming at night, starts filming everything. And so it begins. The first night we don’t see much, and the next day a psychic comes to the house to help them find their ghosts. This is a major turning point in the movie, and it happens barely 15 minutes in: there are no ghosts, Katie has a demon. A demon that has been with her since she was a little girl. A demon that may have set her childhood home on fire destroying everything. A demon that isn’t going away on its own, a demon that feeds on anger and fear. The psychic can’t offer any help, but gives them the # of a demonologist and warns them not to provoke the demon, because they really don’t know what they are dealing with. Demons don’t fuck around, people! Katie wants to call the demonologist and get it taken care of; Micah is convinced they can deal with it on their own. Katie clearly needs to grow a spine.

What happens over the next 20 days is an exercise in escalation and destruction. We get to witness not only the escalating of the activity, but the disintegration of Micah and Katie’s relationship. The problem really in all of this is Micah. See Micah doesn’t listen to the girl who’s dealt with the demon for 20 odd years. Micah doesn’t respect her wishes, constantly lies to her, doesn’t listen to sound advice and is convinced (in what I can only call a typical male fashion) that he alone can fix this problem. He doesn’t need anyone’s help, he is the man of the house, he doesn’t need directions, they aren’t lost!!

And so it goes, we never leave the house (we do go outside, but it’s the yard), we never see the other parts of their lives, we see nothing but what goes on in their home. This can lead to an almost claustrophobic feeling, but it can also help you understand the trapped feeling they were feeling. This movie doesn’t use cheap thrills (not cats jumping out), but it also doesn’t abuse effects (FOR ONCE!). We see what happens when they aren’t in the house, we see what happens when they sleep, and we see their reactions to these things.

In contrast we see the damage that Micah is causing. We see the sleep deprivation, we can hear the desperation in Katie’s voice, and the lines of who the real monster in this movie is are very much blurred. A few days of reflection on this movie has left me wondering if Katie’s demon was less a harmful presence and was more so trying to keep her safe from what it perceived as a threat. In the end though I think it could be argued that Katie is twice a victim, first of a demonic presence and secondly of a well meaning boyfriend who never takes the time to see what he’s done. In a way each of these forces was trying to do what they thought was best for Katie, without ever really seeing what she wanted. Katie is terrorized not only by this demon, but by the boyfriend who thinks he is trying to help her.

I know I’m getting all philosophical on your asses regarding this movie, but the more I think about it, the less I am left with images of slamming doors and swinging chandeliers and the more I am left feeling terrible for Katie. I guess in some ways she represents how a lot of women (and also men) feel about living in this world. You have a lot of people telling you what’s best for you, pulling you in different directions, when you are never really given the chance to decide what you really want for yourself. In the end if you don’t fight against these sorts of forces, you inevitably end up becoming one of them.

Another theme that I felt riding through it is the notion of “fixing it.” We live in a world where pretty much all of us believe that with a few deft strokes of the keys we can Wikipedia or Google our way to answers to fix our problems, we take pills to fix what ails us, and if we can’t fix an item we just replace it. We live in a “fix it” society, and what’s worse, is we are so focused on fixing problems on our own that we see weakness in asking for help. Micah’s fatal flaw is this; he is blind to what anyone else says or thinks, he is always right. He even at one point states something to the effect of: “this thing is in MY house, and I’m going to kick its ass out of here.” The arrogance of a statement like this is overwhelming; it’s a demonic presence not a stray raccoon. Pride does not fix anything.
The ending of this movie is abrupt. There are no credits, just a final image and a statement. This movie is so full of WTF moments, they could have called it: Paranormal Activity: The WHAT THE FUCK file. The writer/director of this movie filmed it in his house on nearly no budget. He did a damn fine job. I hear his next project involves another found footage film, only this one takes place in the wilds around Area 51. I will be seeing this movie, unless the bigger budget puts too much CG-bullshit in the movie. (cos the lack of CG-Bullshit is what was incredibly attractive about this film).

My only real bone to pick with this movie is two things: #1 they never even discuss contacting a priest or other member of the clergy. Everyone knows when demons are involved you go to the Catholics! Or you at least get some holy water, a cross and a bible. Micah continually insists that if they go to outside sources it might piss the demon off even more, and he shows Katie pictures of what happens when you piss the demon off more. Still, they could have taken precautions, which leads to my #2 issue: Salt. Where’s the salt Micah??? Micah does all this interweb research but never once does he come up with solutions regarding treating the demonic presence. Salt, holy water, crosses, blessed objects, prayers, there are a million ways to “fight demons” and they are all on the interweb. Micah, your google-fu is weak.

I guess in the end I will say this: This is a good movie; it’s not going to make you run screaming out of the theater (it may, I might just be jaded), but it will linger in your psyche for long after it ends. There is terror and horror on two levels, the seen and the unseen, and both are equally disturbing. It was worth every cent of the $9.50 I spent, and the ghetto assed mother fuckers I sat through the movie with (nothing like people yelling at the screen). It is not a movie I would buy because I think it’s the sort of movie that the more you see the less it has meaning, also a little screen is not going to give you the sense of horror you get from the big screen effect (I had the same feeling about the Blair Witch Project, and I have tried to watch it on TV with it having less than half the effect it had on me in the theater). It’s a good movie, it’s a solid movie. If you like horror movies you’ll probably dig this. If you like indie movies that work on many levels and don’t mind being creeped out, this is really for you.

Epitaph One, This is the Way the World Ends

2009-07-29T12:43:00.013-05:00

Some shows attain infamy because of what you see on TV, others, because of what you didn’t see. I have a feeling Dollhouse is going to end up the latter. Dollhouse’s “missing” 13th episode has already attained legendary status on the interwebs, mostly because of the network’s refusal to air it and all the conspiracy theories regarding that decision. This episode was developed by the studio to meet the needs of overseas distribution and for DVD sales. Last week it was aired at San Diego Comic Con to a roomful of Whedon faithful, the reviews that came out of this screening were awesome. Because I am poor, I didn’t get to attend, and thus had to wait until yesterday to watch this episode. It was worth the wait.
WARNING: THIS REVIEW IS NOT SPOILER FREE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOU FIND OUT MORE THAN YOU WANTED TO KNOW. JUST KNOW THAT WHILE I REVEAL A LOT ABOUT THE EPISODE I DO NOT REVEAL MAJOR TURNING POINTS IN THE PLOT, NOR DO I RUIN IT FOR YOU. I PROMISE.

The episode opens on a post-apocalyptic world, with a rag-tag group of survivors trying to find some place safe to get away from the wiped and the tech that could potentially wipe them as well. What they find is the Dollhouse, Whiskey, answers and eventually hope.

The look of this episode is different than the glossy beautiful world Dollhouse resides in. In the commentary we learn that this was party due to cost (filming on video is way cheaper), wanted effect (a post-apocalyptic world is not pretty), and the crew (since the primary crew was busy working on Omega a crew who had primarily worked on “24” was brought in, also bringing in their grittier, hand held style). The juxtaposition of the future and past is well done. What is also well done is the decline of the empire, as the show utilizes flashbacks to go between the world we are used to seeing, into a slow decline into the darkness they live within now. The camera work and lighting does not come off second rate. In fact it could be argued that this is Dollhouse’s most cinematic episode. Knowing that this episode cost half of a regular episode of the show, and that this was one of the factors involved in renewing the show, I feel confident that the quality will not decrease in the second season. They can make do with far less.

Thematically this episode is classic Whedon. In reality this to me was very reminiscent of Serenity and the Firefly ‘verse, and it makes me wonder if what we are seeing connects directly to that universe in a very Battlestar “this has all happened before this will happen again” way. Humanity destroys itself with technology that someone assumed would help people, but that ends up turning people into killing machines. At one point someone refers to the tech and events surrounding the apocalypse as “children playing with matches, who’ve burned the house down.” Indeed the world has burned around them, and the imagery and metaphor used throughout the episode bashes this into your head.
Felicia Day (The Guild, Buffy) and Zack Ward (numerous credits) really stand out in this episode. They are believable survivors. Day, as Mag, comes off as an every-girl who’s been thrown into a world she doesn’t understand, but one which she either has to learn to live in, or die. Ward as Zone, is a hard ass who seems to have abandoned all hope, and almost his humanity before Whiskey and eventually Caroline (in a way) offer him a new hope. Adair Tichler (Molly from Heroes), is a really promising young actor. She pulls off her role (Iris) in this, as she did on Heroes, with a maturity that someone her age should not possess. The additional supporting cast of survivors are also fantastic, but these three end up the most relevant and the three we are most likely to see again in the future.

The lead in is this: ten years into the future, the technology that turns people into actives, has gone rogue. By rogue I mean just walking past a piece of technology can cause your own personality to be wiped out, and it is replaced with something that seems to inspire wiped people to kill non-wiped people. It seems at first the tech was just being utilized by the Dollhouse, but eventually, somehow, a military unit figured out how to remotely wipe people and imprint them (into what are referred to as “butchers” or people who are programmed to kill anyone who isn’t imprinted) using nothing but the phone (reminiscent of November/Mellie’s “There are three flowers in a vase…” moment, only without an implanted trigger, and Alpha’s means to wipe Echo on an engagement). It is implied that this may have been the Chinese (bringing forth another echo of the Firefly ‘verse), but never is it implicitly stated the who or the how, just that this happened. In addition to the phones, it is implied that a mass wipe can be done via some sort of pulse, in other words no one is really safe.
The concept of this episode is brilliant. I’ve heard it called a “second pilot” (in reality it would be the third), and while it may not be, it easily could have served as such if the show had to be sold to a new network. Instead of the typical logical unfolding of what has happened, we see flashes of the events leading up to the world going to hell, through the same technology that caused the event in the first place. It is apparent that the survivors have no real understanding of where the technology that destroyed the world came from. It is summed up pretty nicely by Zone who upon discovering how the Dollhouse used the tech says: "You mean to tell me the tech that punk-kicked the ass of mankind was originally designed to make more believable hookers?"

While they are discovering the who, what and how of what happened, there is a second plot line which is someone is killing off members of the team. First one is killed in the showers, and later we witness the murder of another member. I won’t give it away, but it is brilliantly done, and you just don’t see it coming, but it brings home just how dangerous the world has become. By the end of the episode we are left with 3 remaining people, and one of them has been uploaded with Caroline.

Because this episode was filmed concurrently with “Omega”, Echo/Caroline, Ballard, and Langton are used sparingly. This is actually to the advantage of this episode though. The supporting cast of the Dollhouse we know and love get a chance to shine, as well as our new band of merry survivors. We are running with the survivors and watching the world fall apart through the eyes and ears of people whom we assume were uploaded to the Dollhouse database while events were unfolding. I find this to be a really intriguing point; while the shit is falling apart someone within the Dollhouse (possibly Adelle or Topher, but more than likely Victor, as we see he has backed up all the Actives) had the wherewithal to back up these memories. We have no idea how far into the future (from where the show is now, assumed to be 2009), things start to go haywire. We do know that the technology involved is in its infancy in season one and that the themes, and ideas about what the Dollhouse could really be used for, which eventually cause the downfall of humanity, were already introduced as well.
We only see bits and pieces of what has happened, but I have to say Victor (Enver), Topher (Fran Kranz) and Adelle (Olivia) put in remarkable performances. Topher and Adelle go through rapid character development, and watching their self created reality be torn apart is as painful as it is satisfying. Topher is especially heart breaking, more so if you go and watch the show from the beginning because you realize his arrogance and brilliance, is both his and the world’s downfall. What is especially terrific about these flashbacks is that we don’t really get to see anything going on outside the Dollhouse, we hear about what’s going on, but we never get to see it. We just see and hear bits and pieces about what’s going on: before Topher imprinting took over two hours, the database was gathered from people getting brain scans at hospitals using Rossum’s equipment, Echo can be the imprint and herself at the same time, Boyd is injured, but we don’t know where or how, an imprint can be put into multiple bodies at the same time, Mr. Dominick is brought back out of the Attic and put back into his own body, Victor and Saunder’s scars are fixed, at some point Saunders turns back into Whiskey, basically more questions are asked than answered.

The final bomb dropped in the episode is that there may be a block or cure from being wiped, and that there is a Safe Haven, a place where people are safe from the tech that has destroyed the world, and safe from the people affected by it. My favorite little dropped hint regarding this is that Alpha seems to be responsible for this place. Apparently Caroline/Echo is responsible for the cure. Essentially the two Dolls who are the most problematic are the 2 which are also humanity’s salvation.

This episode was penned by Jed Whedon and his wife/partner Maurissa Tancharoen (both from Dr Horrible), and their commentary is surprisingly informative, considering their collective “greenness.” My favorite thought that they offer up is the possibility, that the day we see here, is a day that happens all the time to Whiskey. That somehow Whiskey is sticking around the Dollhouse for this purpose (as she says to them “I’ve always been here”), and as survivors come through, she continues to do her “job” and then sends people on their way. The idea that tomorrow she cleans up the bodies and starts all over is in a sense what the show is all about.

Overall Epitaph One is one of the strongest hours of Mutant Enemy programming ever produced. Joss has claimed that this is the future that they cannot change, although because some of the flashbacks are memories, they may be incorrect, because they are dependant on the observer who originally recorded them. Also this is a time we will revisit in season 2, as early on as the first episode. So in a way Dollhouse has now shown us its beginning and its end, which is a smart move, because now all that’s left are the details of how we get from point Alpha to Omega, and all the spaces in between.

V-day, Like D-day with Hearts not Bombs

2009-02-01T22:10:00.008-06:00

It's tradition. Every Valentine's Day I post my list of music to live, love and loathe to. It's updated. Have a suggestion for an addition? Please let me know, cos this list is fluid & I'm always looking for more music that makes me want to lie, die and cry.

Pining, it's not just for Forests Anymore:
Tori Amos – Leather
Kelly Clarkson – Beautiful Disaster
Depeche Mode – Lie to Me
Depeche Mode – Only When I Lose Myself
Depeche Mode – Rush
Depeche Mode – Somebody
Ghost of the Robot – Valerie
Ghost of the Robot – Dangerous
Jace Everett – Bad Things
Fall Out Boy – I’m Like a Lawyer with How I’m Always Trying to Get You Off
Feist – 1, 2, 3, 4
Garbage – Number One Crush
INXS – By My Side
Avril Lavigne – Fall to Pieces
Ana Nalick – Catalyst
Kate Nash – We Get On
Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have
No Doubt – Bathwater
Psychedelic Furs – The Ghost In You
Relient K – Be My Escape
Sense Field – Save Yourself
Shakira – Whenever, Wherever
Silverchair – The Greatest View
Skunk Anaise – Secretly
Regina Spektor - Somedays
Mazzy Star – Blue Light
Sugar - Your Favorite Thing
Matthew Sweet – I've Been Waiting
The Cure – Letter to Elise
The Killers – Mr. Brightside
The Lemonheads – Being Around
The Urgency – Fingertips
The Veronicas – Untouched
When in Rome – The Promise

How Happy We Be:
Ash – Shining Light
Bush – The Chemicals Between Us
Coyote Shivers - Sugar High
Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You into the Dark
Depeche Mode – I Am You
Depeche Mode – I Want You Now
Depeche Mode – One Caress
EnVogue – Givin' Him Somethin' He Can Feel
INXS – Mystify
INXS – Never Tear Us Apart
James – Laid
Mundy – To You I Bestow
Nine Inch Nails – The Perfect Drug
Panic at the Disco – Nine in the Afternoon
Paramour – Misery Business
Liz Phair – Supernova
Liz Phair – Why Can't I?
Placebo – Every You, Every Me
Regina Specter – Us
Remy Zero – Destiny
The Cure – Lets Go to Bed
The Flaming Lips – Do You Realize?
The Judybats – Ugly on the Outside

Love is a Four Letter Word
Tori Amos – Baker, Baker
Tori Amos – China
Crowded House – Better Be Home Soon
Depeche Mode – Dangerous
Jimmy Fallon – Idiot Boyfriend
Garbage – Why do You Love Me?
Ghost of the Robot - German. Jewish.
Incubus – Wish You Were Here
INXS – Not Enough Time
Chris Isaak – Wicked Game
Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart
Keane – Somewhere Only We Know
Abra Moore – Trip on Love
Kate Nash – Foundations
Beth Orton – She Cries Your Name
Pink – Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely
Placebo – Post Blue
Shakira – Objection Tango
Space – The Female of the Species
Sponge – Molly (Sixteen Candles)
The Judy Bats – Pain (Makes You Beautiful)
The Sundays – Wild Horses
The Yayhoos – Baby I Love You (Just Leave Me the Fuck Alone)
Toad the Wet Sprocket – Fall Down
Ween – Baby Bitch
Paul Westerberg – Dyslexic Heart

It's a Break-Up cos it's Broken:
Adam Ant – Wonderful
Tori Amos – Putting the Damage On
Tori Amos – Tear in Your Hand
Fiona Apple – Never is a Promise
Michelle Branch – Goodbye to You (acoustic version)
Jeff Buckley – Last Goodbye
Bush – Out of This World
Crowded House – Locked Out
Chris Isaak – Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing
Love Spit Love – Am I Wrong
Natalie Imbruglia – Torn
Pink – So What?
SheDaisy – Lucky 4 U
Tara Maclean – If I Fall
The Cure – A Night Like This
The Cure – In Between Days
The Format - First Single
The Waltons – Colder Than You
They Might Be Giants – Lucky Ball and Chain
Justin Timberlake – Cry Me a River
Robbie Williams – Sexed Up

Revenge is Sweet, Stalking is Sweeter:
Fiona Apple – Limp
Blondie – One Way (or Another)
Michelle Branch – Are You Happy Now?
Blu Cantrell – Hit 'em Up Style
Chicago Soundtrack – Cell Block Tango
Depeche Mode – It's No Good
Depeche Mode – The Bottom Line
Ani DiFranco – Superhero
Jay Gordon – Slept So Long
L7 – Shit List
Morrissey – The More You Ignore Me (The Closer I Get)
Nine Inch Nails – Sin
Placebo – Infra Red
Poe – Angry Johnny
The Police – Every Breath You Take
The Smiths – Bigmouth Strikes Again

All of This Has Happened Before & Will Happen Again:
Better Than Ezra – Desperately Wanting
Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over
Cowboy Junkies – Sweet Jane
Depeche Mode – It Doesn’t Matter
Depeche Mode – Sweetest Condition
James – Lullaby
Mazzy Star – Fade Into You
Silverchair – Miss You Love
Smashing Pumpkins – Glynis
The Church – Under the Milky Way
The Cure – Pictures of You
The Lemonheads – Favorite T
The Smiths – Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me
Toad the Wet Sprocket – Something's Always Wrong
Travis – She’s So Strange

'Sau Sightings

2008-02-29T13:37:00.001-06:00

While driving through Wasuau I constantly see things that are stupid, unbelieveable or otherwise. So all of you can enjoy the mystique of the 'Sau I am going to start writing my 'Sau Sightings. It's like Big Foot or Alien sightings, only about the 'Sau. It'll only be the choicest insanity, I promise!

Todays Edition: Snow Fun!

Sighting: Woman with snowblower in driveway on Lavina Dr.. Woman standing in front of snowblower, while the snowblower is on and operational, jamming the pokey end of a broom into the inner workings of said snowblower. She is the reason there are warnings on the hairdryer to not use it in the shower.

Sighting: On Stewart Avenue, on the Church side. Man walking through waist deep snow. Why this is funny: the other side of the street had fully plowed sidewalks. He was either too stupid to notice this, or just enjoys snow up the legs of his pants.

Sighting: At the Farm and Fleet. Woman with tween daughter. Tween daughter is wearing a skirt that was approximately 4-5 inches long, those ballerina style keds, a tight tiny T-shirt and no coat. It was warm yesterday, it wasn't this warm. Also, tween was really a bit too big to be pulling this outfit off in any season. Whore doesn't look good on a 12 year old regardless of size or season though.

Only White Girls Go Wild

2008-01-28T15:43:00.000-06:00

This weekend while enjoying the newest season of Torchwood (mmmm) on BBC America I was barraged with an inordinate amount of commercials for the Girls Gone Wild DVDs (why these were on BBC-A I do not know, and it makes me question what the Brits really think us US viewers are looking for in a commercial). Now for anyone who lives under a dark and cable lacking stone, Girls Gone Wild is a bunch of drunk, 95% naked "college" girls who just can't wait to show their goodies to everyone on earth.

While watching the commercial for the eleventy-billionth time I realized something. There are no black, Asian, Hispanic, Indian (native or eastern), multi-ethnic, of unknown ethnic origins, or alien girls going wild. It is only white girls, and 'cept for a rare few, are all blonde. What the hell? Do white girls have so little control over themselves whilst drunk that they just can't stop themselves from getting naked for no residuals and in a way that will make them bubble over with shame in 2 years when they try to get a real job and their Girls Gone Wild stint ruins it? Alternately when Dr. Barbie gets that prestigious internship at some hotsy-totsy hospital and a patient looks up and says, "I know you, you were in Girls Gone Wild, I love your goodies." What will she do?

From what I can tell here are the prerequisites for ending up on a GGW DVD:

#1 Fake Tan, there is no room for pasty girls
#2 Should already be wearing clothes that barely fit the definition of clothing
#3 Should be able to look innocent and modest, while taking off skirt or licking other girls nipple
#4 Should have stick straight hair, it should be at least shoulder length, and if possible, layered
#5 is a "Whoo Hoo" girl
#6 Could also be on one of those commercials featuring starving people some where on earth, cos they are all rail thin.

Please white girls, unless stripper or porn star is a future goal, don't do GGW! That guy who runs the company is a slime-ball who might as well have pedophile printed on his forehead and his hand permanently jacking himself off.

Last night while watching Dane Cook's Vicious Circle on Comedy Central I got to watch the commercial for Girls Gone Wild Barely 18! Which apparently was supposed to feature a bunch of white sluts who just turned 18 and who have just been waiting to get their goodies out for everyone to see. Honestly, I can't imagine girls of such ethics as to be filmed for GGW are really all that big on not showing their goodies to everyone with a candy bar or a soda pop until they are 18.

Final thought: how is it that a fuckstick like Britany Spears gets to continue to live while someone as awesome as Heath Ledger dies? Seriously, if there is someone upstairs, the individual is seriously sick in the head. I'll stick with my atheism.

Dear American (please keep all appendages inside the vehicle while in motion)

2008-01-11T15:10:00.002-06:00

Friday afternoon rants. Cos I can. And this looks like I am doing actual work, and apparently the appearance of doing work is more important than actually doing work. I think I need to stop perusing magazines and the accidental consumption of Entertainment Tonight is apparently eating my insides. Not all of this is negative, the last few items are some small gems of joy I found yesterday, small things that give me hope that some day the intelligent may rule, but our chances still seem to be slipping...

#1 “Reality” show people are not celebrities. Omarosa, Kristin Cavallari, New York (Tiffany), anyone who’s ever been on Survivor, Sanjaya, any one of the new American Gladiators: None of these people are celebrities. None of them even deserve it. Who declared that having 15 minutes of fame meant you got to be in the news? What the fuck is wrong with the American public that just cos some rich bitch 17 year old threw a Black and White ball on Mtv 4 years ago she gets to be a celebrity. Audrey Hepburn just rolled over in her grave, did you hear that? There was a time when celebrity brought to mind beautiful people, in beautiful clothes, living amazing fabulous lives. Now celebrity has been reduced to a photo of Sanjaya standing outside of a theater in LA with a caption going something like: Even without his crazy hair we can tell it’s you Sanjaya! WHO CARES?

#2 I have come to realize that the writer’s strike is having an even bigger impact on the world than forcing me to think, watch DVDs, pick up a Ghost Hunters and Sims 2 habit, it’s contributing to world over population. Yes. It’s true. Cos real celebrities (although are any of them really real in the authentic sense?) are out of work, they are having sex, and getting knocked up. Even the kids are doing it. I mean, Jessica Alba, Nicole Kidman, Jaimie-Lynn Spears, who’s next? Miley Cyrus? Some other Has-Been’s offspring? Please, networks, moguls and producers, go back to the negotiating table, cos if Monique gets knocked up, I am blaming you. (Side note: Should Jennifer Garner-Affleck and Ben decide to go for Violet round 2, I will not be angry though, cos that is the cutest happiest baby ever)

#3 Britney Spears is bat-shit, get over it. Did we really need a People magazine cover to alert the populace to this? I mean I can’t imagine people around the country at convience stores and grocery store check-outs looking up and going “Oh God No! Not that precious little girl, what hath happened to dear Britney??” The only thing she hasn’t done yet is off her self, and if the universe works in the proper way it will happen on its own without our intervention. I mean it happened to Anna Nicole, so there is hope for those little boys yet! (no, this is not me being mean, sadly those kids have a better chance at life without her. If Larry Birkhead can raise a kid I believe K-fed can do it too. Wow, their names rhyme.) And oh yeah, bitch lost her virginity at like 15. You can take the trash out of Louisiana but you can’t take the trash out of the girl!

#4 Wait, you can’t take the trash out of the whole damn family. The whole Spears clan is fucked. Much like the Lohans, Simpsons, and every other celebrifamily. Does no one remember the Culkin cluster-fuck? Doesn’t the name Jackson conjure up memories of fucked up family? Is anyone shocked that a family that pushes their tiny children into careers that their parents are too ugly and untalented to be in themselves is approximately 3 seconds from self destruction and collapse of the family unit? I mean honestly. The parents end up celebrities in their own way, the more fucked up their kids act, the more famous the parents become for being shitty parents. And sometimes they get to write books about parenting (how to raise a super star (but they forget to mention super-fuck-up). It’s like a parent’s dream come true! Jon Benet got out easily, cos she was approximately 15 years from becoming Britney Spears. At least Lindsey’s got talent. By the way: Billy-Ray, I’ve got my eye on you. Miley’s fucked, if your achy-breaky heart couldn’t tell, you are creating a monster.

#5 Please Jessica Simpson go cheer on Tony Romo, maybe he’ll become hypnotized by your excessive breasts and fake lips. Or maybe he’ll mistake your shitty extensions for spun gold and want to suddenly be called Rumplestilskin. No matter what, I am relying on you to be there for him. Cos if you are, the Packers are so going to the Super Bowl, and once again a plague of sadness will follow in your wake. Jessica, you may be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

#6 Speaking of football: would someone take out Tom Smug-Ass-Motherfucker Brady out already? Honestly, he is fragile. He fucks a super model, so it’s not like he’s doing any heavy lifting, ever. He can’t be that hard to take out. Cheap shots are more than welcome. Could someone quick grab Warren Sapp up for the playoffs and tell him “we know you are retiring, but remember that horrible cheap shot you pulled on the Packers, yeah, we need you to do that to Tom Brady, and if you get a chance Randy Moss. Thanks Sapp, there’s a bonus in your future, I can just smell it, and it doesn’t smell like Chunky Soup.” Alternately, would someone get him a Chunky Soup contract? How’s he avoided that???

#7 Regardless of what Rachael Ray says, you can’t make one of her meals in 30 minutes unless you are fueled by a meth macchiato and have the assistance of Satan himself. I guess if I had a team of fuckers (but possibly ninjas) warming up my pans and doing all the prep and keeping an eye on everything while I stood in front of a counter for 20 minutes espousing how easy it really is to make meatballs, I too could make a meal in 30 minutes. Granted the food generally turns out tasty, but 30 minutes quickly turns into 120 minutes without the benefit of hangin’ with Kennedy or Matt Pinfield.

#8 No matter what anyone says; it doesn’t get any hotter than James Marsters making out with John Barrowman, mostly cos unlike porn, they actually look totally into it. Torchwood is the best thing to happen to the Dr. Who franchise since Christopher Eccleston. Oh yeah, they also shoot at each other, which ups the hotness. I wish American TV was as forward thinking. But I also wish that Helo, Anders, and Apollo would compete in oil wrestling versus Capt Mal, Jayne and Simon. Not all my dreams can so easily come true. (BTW girls, its okay to admit you like watching guys make out. If guys can revel in lesbians, you can admit that there is just something hot about 2 guys going after each other as if they were made of roast beef and they hadn’t seen food in 2 weeks.) Torchwood's Coming Back, now with more Marsters!!!

#9 I give a shit about what Penn Jillett has to say. You should too. Penn Jillette is on my list of large men I would let violate me. (This list also involves Seth Rogen who isn’t that large and Kevin Smith, just cos I’d be hoping that some of his genius would be left behind. I am sick and need help. I know this) But he's also hella smart. Also he is an avid fan of if you are gonna be crazy then go whole heartedly into the abyss. He agrees with the pope on everything, except that whole god thing, and that makes my day:

Finally #10: If you are familiar with the infamous Patton oswald rant on the KFC famous bowls you can't help but find this to be raucously hysterical: Patton Taste Tests the Bowl on the howling rim of Famous-ity Also if you haven't been watching, I suggest tuning into A Daily Show with John Stewart, without writrs John has readily admitted that his show is slowly devolving into his own personal version of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyone who calls Larry King a "talking Gnome" I am gonna keep watching.

It's the Most Horrific Time of the Year

2007-11-30T10:12:00.000-06:00

Christmas. Fuck.

Don’t get me wrong. I like the idea of Christmas, the getting together of friends and family to eat excessively and give each other gifts cos some teenaged mother had a baby 2,000+ years ago. The idea of good will and good cheer and familiar drunkenness and the iconization of a fat man in a red suit (he’s like a golden calf, only he wears red and is hairy) are just fine by me. Conceptually it’s fine. The actuality is not so much.

It started in September, the talk of Christmas. Then on November 1st, the Halloween costumes weren’t even put away yet and already Christmas music had taken over a station on the radio. Suddenly it appeared that Thanksgiving had been lumped together with Halloween in the décor department, and now that Halloween was over, clearly it was time to stock the shelves with trees and ribbons and wraps and ornament and cards! (Don’t forget many smallish animatronic toys which annoyingly play some sort of carol of yore but with different words, to further destroy the remains of Christmas past)

When I was younger there was this whole month in between Halloween and Christmas, apparently that whole month has been reduced to a few hours in the wee hours of All Saints Day. Fuck me. I remember clearly that at some point holidays went like this: Halloween, Deer Hunting (a general holiday in WI), Thanksgiving, then Christmas. Now I think it looks like this Hallowgiving, Hunting, Christmas. An entire holiday was overlooked in order to get that Christmas shit on the shelves and into consumers homes even sooner!

2 weeks ago, nearly a week before Thanksgiving, Nick called me in a near panic at 6:15 in the am (I was still awake too, so it’s not like this was a real emergency) to tell me that in the 10 hours we had spent together, somehow downtown Wausau was converted from a quaint hellhole into a quaint hellhole that Christmas vomited all over. It was decided that from now on, side roads were the only way to avoid this treachery. Turkey had not yet been consumed, but there was a goddamned Christmas tree in the square and tinsel and lights on the street lights.

Now it is the official Christmas season and you know what? I’m already all Christmassed out. They played the Grinch earlier this week. IT’S NOT EVEN DECEMBER IN CASE NO ONE GOT THE MEMO, OR OWNS A CALENDAR, SHIT YOUR CELL PHONE AND CRACK BERRIES HAVE CALENDARS HOW CAN NO ONE REALIZE IT IS NOT DECEMBER YET??????????????????

What is the world coming to? What is wrong with people? On top of it, even though it’s the spirit of giving, it seems to have been reduced to the season of Road Rage, Cart Rage, pushing, shoving, being rude and thinking that for some reason one’s own need to get their hands on the latest tickle me bullshit is more important than anyone else’s right to shop. I am actually scared to drive near the shopping here. Mostly cos I am pretty sure someone is going to take out my car on their way to the Best Buy to pick up the Beverly Hillbillies on DVD!

I am already sick of Christmas, I don’t want to put up my tree, or decorate my house, cards and gifts seem like a lot of work. I would just assume skip the whole thing cos you know what? Come December 26th already talk will turn to “starting next year’s Christmas shopping early!” I am generally not a “fuck Christmas” kind of person. I usually take a day off of work to put up the tree and decorate it and enjoy it. This year it sort of nauseates me. I even offered my tree to Wendi cos she is having a Christmas at her house and my tree works well in an apartment, what with it being all skinny and prelit.

I keep thinking I need to go out to the garage and find the Rubbermaid with the cards in it, so I can start filling them out. I decided I would put up my small tinsel tree cos if I put no decorations up and my parents stop by I will be chastised and made to feel a fool. Mostly I hope if they show up that they will stock me with some fire wood, and not make me feel crappy about my messy apartment or lack of Christmas spirit. The tinsel tree though is so weak it can not hold lights, thus it’s not even like a bright cheerful Christmas extravaganza.

I’ve half heartedly started my Christmas shopping but the gifts are so generic this year they hardly feel personal. I am usually a damn fine gift giver, paying attention all year to the tiniest mentions so that come Christmas I can be all “Surprise! Someone listened to you! I am the bestest ever!” but this year I just don’t care. I even tried to get out of gift giving with A2 cos I have no idea what to get her (at all, seriously, how much alcoholism paraphernalia and serial killer shit can one person really need?), at least K is the kind of person I can buy something for that I want, cos she probably wants it too. The rest of the gifts are so scattered and without theme or anything that I don’t know why I’m bothering. I am still looking forward to the wrapping, but that’s my favorite part of any gift giving I do.

I am not really looking forward to receiving any gifts! I have too much shit already! I provided my mother with a short, specific list of shit I want for Christmas, what I’ll get is 1-4 things off that list and a bunch of shit she thinks I need. The woman has no concept of me living in an apartment, already having a garage and storage unit full of shit, and having no more room left for any additional shit. I am shit out of room.

So overall this year, I’d like to skip Christmas. Granted this means I am pushed ever closer to the big 29 year old birthday which I am looking forward to about as much as a colonoscopy. But at least I wouldn’t have to put up with bell-ringers, going broke, and wondering why as it inches closer to the actual holiday all the TV programming stops being about Christmas and you can’t find a Christmas show or movie on to save your soul. Bah Humbug!

Pets in Boxes, Cremains & Your Family Pet

2007-10-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

Recently my favoritest dog in the whole wide world, Sparky, had to be put to sleep. It crushed my mom, and I still feel bad about it. But she was old, like really old, like 17 years old! She had a good exceptionally long life. Where my parents live there is a preponderance of coyotes, wolves, bears and other critters who would smell dead dog in the ground and think "free meal!" and dig it up. We did not want such a fate to befall our beloved Sparky, so for the first time in our lives we had a pet cremated.

Now as long as I have been alive, where ever we lived was a veritable pet cemetary. The back yard at the old house has the remains of at least 3 dogs, 6 cats and a duck. Should the new owner begin excavating around the trees in back, he's prolly gonna freak out. Even our old cabin up north, the cabin now owned by my dad's friend Bob, has the remains of a dog in the yard. So this whole "get 'em cremated" thing was a new concept to us.

A few weekends ago I went up to my parent's house. It was my aunt's birthday, and I, never to miss out on a free meal, went up to have good food at Mamma's the Italian restaurant we all love so much. As I am sitting on my chair in the house watching what ended up a really wonderfulyl bad Sci-Fi Saturday Night movie entitled Sands of Oblivion, my mom hands me a box.

Mind you, my mother shops a lot on the TV. She is a big fan of both QVC and HSN, so when I am handed a non-descript cardboard box I assume it's the latest crap she's bought. But this box was different, this box was heavy, like really heavy. I look inside, and there is a black metal tin box with flowers on it. Then she says it:

"That's Sparky."

WTF? Who does that to someone? Here's the box containing your dead dog! Enjoy! Oh wait, I know, my mother does that!

I will reiterate, that I am shocked as shit about how much ashes-de-pooch weigh. In life she weighed in around 55 lbs, in death she weighs in at 3 lbs, per the UPS box label. I know it's not the tin, unless they put a piece of lead inside of it, it's just how much cremated dog weighs.

Update: Since this was originally written (yeah I know and not published until now) we had to put down an additional dog, the infamous Casey Jean, our notoriuous golden lab. Whether you remember when the wild dog bit her in the ass, or when she got stung on the eye lid by a bee, or when she impaled herself on a stick, all should know in the end Cancer is what got her. Which was surprising considering the accident prone nature of this dog. Casey is also now a Dog in a Box.

I've also gotten a report from Amanda on Cat in a Box, which strangely comes in the same tin, just a smaller version. Apparently these tins are used a lot for tea and pet cremains. Go figure. I wish I could find a decent photo of it, maybe Amanda will be willing to provide one so you can all know what to expect.

I've also heard about Horse in a Box and apparently that weighs a metric ton and is so big you could not display it on a mantel. BUT you do not receive your horse in a tea tin, instead you get them back in a wooden crate, I mean hand-made wooden cremains box, which shockingly looks like a shipping crate. I only have this knowledge courtesy of a conversation overheard at theMN Futurity Horse Show. People like to converse about how to dispose of a horse, mostly I think cos it's supposed to be illegal to bury a horse nearly every where but Kentucky, but somehow horse remains disappear in the middle of the night. I have it on good authority that Greenway Commander never made it to a rendering factory...

Wow!

2007-03-13T14:56:00.000-05:00

Wow! I am the crappiest blogger ever. It's been forever since I formally blogged. So I logged in to move this sucker to the new Blogger, and I swear I will get around to actually blogging for real one of these days. Until then, enjoy this photo:

Thursday Thirteen - Funny Buffy

2006-07-06T13:41:00.000-05:00

Thirteen Essential Funny Buffy Episodes
(single episodes not 'continued')

1. Pangs - Thanksgiving goes horribly awry when the gang is hunted by a Chumash Indian Warrior. Xander get's the funny syphillus and Buffy determines whether ther eis enough blood in gravy to satiate a recently Initiative escaped Spike. "What's a ricer?"

2. Life Serial - It's hell getting a job, worse when the evil Troika are screwing with you. The episode culminates with a very drunk Buffy watching Spike play poker... for kittens. "They're Delicious!"

3. Restless - Everyone's dreams are screwed up, mostly this is hilarious. The production of Death of a Salesman is great, Spike as carnival attration equally so. "It's like a greek tragedy."

4. Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered - Magic never ends well, doubly so when you try to make your ex love you and instead every woman falls in love with you except her. Poor Xander, just another in a long line of bad relationshyip mistakes. "I intend revenge, pure as the driven snow."

5. Superstar - In an alternate universe Jonathon is everything and everywhere. Buffy is barely a scoobie, until the spell Jonathon worked starts to wear off. "Sure, alternate realities. You could uh, could have like a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp."

6. Something Blue - Willow's will becomes true. Giles goes blind, Xander is a demon magnet and Bluffy and Spike are engaged to be married. Ahh sweet chaos. "Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the Bloody, or just Spike? 'Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird."

7. Him - Everyone's been suspicious of the magic of a letter jacket wearing quarterback at one time or another. Maybe those suspicions weren't unfounded. Even Willow comes under his spell and tries to make him a girl! One of the funniest episodes ever. "Oh, my God! I'm the pushy queen of slut town!"

8. Triangle - Anya and Willow fight over Xander. Anya's ex, a troll, shows up and causes trouble. "That's insane troll logic."

9. Band Candy - Ethan Rayne returns to make candy that turns adults into full blown teenagers, complete with irresponsibility and illegal shenanigans. "Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The- World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy."

10. Tabula Rasa - Willow accidentally wipes out everyone's memory, cos as we all know, magic turns out good rarely. So we get to follow the adventures of Joan the Vampire Slayer and her replacement scoobies. Did I mention the loan shark, who is an actual shark? "Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!"

11. Fear, Itself - Warning, fear demon shown actual size. "Don't taunt the fear demon, it's just tacky"

12. Halloween - Ethan Rayne's first appearance turns everyone into their costume, turning Buffy into a useless princess. Willow finds her inner hottie. "Who is that girl?"

13. Dopplegangland - Alternate Reality Vampire Willow ends up in Sunnydale when Anya tries to get back her powers. Vamp Willow is skanky, and kinda gay. "Well, did you try looking inside the sofa *in Hell*?"

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**This is a modified code utilizing graphics from Kristarella at This and That, I really hope she doesn't mind!

I Dream of Emmy

2006-06-23T13:24:00.000-05:00

(This post was started on May 24th, it has taken this long to get it fixed and posted, so you better fucking enjoy it!)

'Tis the time of year once again when Emmy ballots are generated and famous TV reviewers develop their own dream ballots. Well I'm no fancy professional TV reviewer, but I have an opinion on the Emmy ballots. Mostly I have this opinion because I think too often sub-par crap is recognized as greatness while true greatness is cast aside (7 years and not a single Buffy nomination outside of writing or make-up? WTF?? Did they even watch Buffy? I'll be the first to admit that "Paper Bag Gellar" isn't exactly Emmy material (wait, she has a day-time Emmy), but still Anthony Stewart Head? Emma Caufield? Alyson Hannigan? SOMEONE???). So this is my opinion. Love it or hate it, this is how I'd like to see it all go down:

Best Comedy Series:
Arrested Development AD was the funniest thing Fox has found in a very long time. Their sister nework FX has It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and the short-lived Starved, but Fox has been missing out on the progressive comedy as of late. Once again they are without, but the story of the Bluth family was some of the funniest shit ever put on TV.
Entourage For me, Jeremy Piven is what makes this show hilarious. His neurotic portrayl of the agent is awesome. This season though with the addition of many guest stars (Mandy Moore, Bai fucking Ling, Gary Busey), this show got really good and found it's stride. Emmy voters might shy away from this glimpse of their industry, but if they deny it's hilarious they are insane.
My Name is Earl I've been a fan of Jason Lee's since Mallrats, Ethan Suplee too. I find it funny that pairing these two Kevin Smith alumni has created such a 'talked about' show, considering their cult-status among the KS faithful (for those who are confused Suplee was Willem, the guy who couldn't see the Sailboat in the 3D picture). Earl's quest to right his karma is priceless. The addition of Crab-Man and Joy (who is one of the funniest characters ever conceived), makes this glimpse at white-trash even better.
The Office I've never watched the British version. Yes, I have BBC-America, no, I just haven't bothered to watch Ricky Gervais. So sue me. Steve Carell is one of my favoritest funny people. Whether he is Brick in Anchorman, The 40 Year Old Virgin, or Ethan in Bruce Almighty, his ability to play prick, idiot, or socially inept is terrific. He is an all around comedian, add to him the Pam-Jim love-thing and Dwight's meddling, nefarious ways, and you have a funny, if not semi-realistic, vision of office politics.
Scrubs This is the show they can't kill! Honest to God, they move it around, switch it's air-times, and people make the effort to follow it. Why? Because it is the funniest thing on TV. Hands down. Why? Because like all great comedies it walks the finest line between comedy and tragedy. Comedy is only funny when there is a threat of tragedy. Who would have ever thought that a hospital show would be so funny? Kelso's an asshole, the lawyer is in a barbershop quartet that at one time only sang TV theme songs, The Janitor has a vendetta, and an army of taxidermied squirrels, Cox is, well a cock with a heart of gold, Jordan is everyman's nightmare or dream depending on the man, Elliott is a girl even more screwed up and wierd than me, Carla has her shit together and her head screwed on right, Turk, her husband is JD's "Chocolate bear" and still has a frat-mentality with JD, who along with Turk was never cool enough to be Frat material, but who has a lot of thoughts which cause him to stare off into the distance. It also doesn't hurt that a kid I went to High School with is Lonnie the intern.

Who I'd like to see win: Scrubs. The show has been on 5 seasons now, it deserves a little bit of recognition. Plus it is the funniest thing on TV right now.

Best Actor, Comedy Series:
Jason Bateman, Michael Bluth - Arrested Development Jason already has recieved awards for this show, but his nomination, I think, would be a nice fuck-you to Fox.
Zach Braff, JD - Scrubs I love Zach, when he is done dating Mandy Moore, he should come and find me.
Steve Carell, Michael Scott - The Office Again with my love of the Carell!
Fred Goss, Cameron Walker - Sons and Daughters No one except me watched this show. I know this. WHY DIDN'T THE REST OF YOU TUNE IN??? This was ABC's attempt at Arrested Development, and I gotta say it was just finding it's stride when it was killed. A family sitcom where the family is falling apart, but where they are gossipy and insane, much like my own family, maybe this is why I liked it so much. Fred Goss was the main character and was the funniest neurotic on TV since George Michael Bluth. When this comes out on DVD I will be first in line to buy it.
Jason Lee, Earl Hickey - My Name is Earl Do I even need to explain this one?
Who I want to see win: I'd love to see Fred Goss take this, as not only was his show scripted, but a good deal of it was improvisational. Fred Goss will never get an actual nomination (except for from me and Michael Ausielo at TV Guide), which makes me desperately sad. I think Jason Lee will take it this year.

Best Actress, Comedy Series:
Alexis Bledel, Rory Gilmore - Gilmore Girls No one plays crazy-motormouth like Alexis Bledel, except maybe Lauren Graham. Rory's been through a lot this year, and still remained funny. Who else can make the Ivy League seem screwed-up? Plus she lived in the ghetto, where they described the gang on the corner as a "doo-wop group" to family members.
Marcia Cross, Bree - Desperate Housewives I hate Desperate Housewives, this show is stupid, but Bree is so fucked up that I find her to be hilarious.
Lauren Graham, Lorelei Gilmore - Gilmore Girls Oh Lorelei, why can you never stop your speed-freak ways long enough to see how much your life rocks?? Plus I love her dog, Paul Anka.
Mary-Louise Parker, Nancy - Weeds In the future, when my husband buys the farm and I am stuck in upper-class suburbia with no way to pay the bills and 2 kids, I hope I am awesome enough to sell pot. Then again, considering my career choice, this is probably a horrible idea. Regardless, Nancy is an excellent character!
Jessica Walter, Lucille - Arrested Development The Grande-Dame of the Bluth family under normal circumstances would be under Supporting Actress, but I think she was one of the characters that AD relied upon, and thus be becomes leading lady material to me.
Who I'd like to see win: Jessica Walter. But considering she'll never be nominated in this category, I'm gonna go for the long-running show with no nominations like ever, and say Alexis Bledel (this choice could be influenced by my having watched The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants last night, and my over-like of her as Becky in Sin City). Although Bledel even being nominated is like slim-to-none.
Best Supporting Actor, Comedy Series:
Donald Faison, Chris Turk - Scrubs As JD's fearless sidekick Faison rocks. As Carla's hubby, he rocks. Lip-Synching BelBivDevoe's "Poison" and having an entire dance number to go with it to get the lead singer spot in the air-band? Priceless.
Neil Patrick Harris, Barney - How I Met Your Mother Barney is the funniest new character on TV. He started out as a crunchy granola hippy-type who was headed to the Peace Core until a girl broke his heart, and now is a corporate slave who says things like "Suit Up," How anyone cannot love Barney after the Thanksgiving episode, I will never know.
John Krasinki, Jim - The Office He's Dwight's arch-nemesis, he's madly in love with Pam, and he is an example of that good-old dark sarcasm that is so missing from TV today.
John C. McGinley, Dr. Cox - Scrubs McGinley is Dr. Cox, there is no other human being on this planet that could play him. Ever.
Jeremy Piven, Ari - Entourage I've already sung my praises of the Piv. Plus we have it on good authority that The Piv loves hookers (and I'm not talking gals who crochet!)

Winner, Please: Neil Patrick Harris hands fucking down. Suit Up Bitches! (We also have it on good authority that he loves hookers too)
Best Supporting Actress, Comedy Series:
Sara Chalke, Elliot - Scrubs Elliot's hair has finally improved, and she doesn't often show up at the hospital looking like a painted baby. While this was endearing, I like my Elliot useless and non-functioning. The fact that she bagged an intern and let JD room with her, only makes her cool.
Jenna Fischer, Pam - The Office Proof that the Office Administrative Professional (that's secretary to those of us here on Earth), sees all, and knows all. Pam rules.
Alyson Hannigan, Lily - How I Met Your Mother She's a bondage loving kindergarten teacher who is marrying into a family of Minnesota giants. Aly's got seriously hysterical acting chops. Date Movie and the American Pie movie's only showed it to a point. Ladies and gentleman Michelle, the flute girl, is all grown up (and not with Biggs)!
Jaime Pressley, Joy - My Name is Earl Joy? Talk about name false advertising. After I saw the Y2K episode I realized that Jaime Pressley is a genius, and this role was made for her.
Alison Quinn, Sharon - Sons and Daughters Cameron's undersexed, but overly hilarious sister. Sharon is a maniac, in a good way.

Who I want to win: Jaime Pressley hands down.

Best Dramatic Series:
Battlestar Galactica This is not your daddy's BSG. Space was never this tense. It raises the important question: How do you fight an enemy that looks just like you who carries a religious zealotry that makes Falwell look normal? No I'm not saying this is a show about the USA, a good metaphor, but not exactly, cos the enemies are biomechanoid robots of sorts. Honestly this is the best hour of drama on TV. Plus: they found a way around the censors by using Frack instead of Fuck! Brilliant! (even though this is a throw back to the original series). I fought watching this series and now I can't live without it.
Big Love Polygamy isn't easy, it's also illegal. How do you deal with having 3 wives, after you realize you should have stopped with the first one and abandonded your polygamist background? Add into this a money hungry asshole who runs the polygamy compound and having an affair with your own wife, and you have Big Love.
Grey's Anatomy Meredith is fucked up, all her friends are too, so are all her mentors and her parents. Yup, everyone's fucked up. Did I mention that love doesn't really ever work the way you'd like and that no one is ever happy for more than 5 minutes?
House House knows everything, anyone who thinks otherwise is a fucking idiot. Pain Killers anyone?
Lost This damn island gets more screwed up every day. BTW: How long have we been here?

Who should win: Battlestar Galactica, because honestly none of these shows can hold a candle to the drama of this show every week. There is a reason I got through the mini-series, season one and the first half of season 2 in roughly a week. I was captivated from minute one, Emmy voters should be as well.

Best Actor Dramatic Series:
David Boreanaz, Seely Booth - Bones Boreanaz is best known as Angel, and for taking parts in really shitty B-grade horror movies. Bones has shown that he can do more than kill and brood. He is actually really great on Bones. He slimmed down and cleaned up to play an FBI agent with a painful past and a kid. His character has more to him than meets the eye, and I think Boreanaz, as sad as this is, may be the most successful Post-Buffy alum (Aly not withstanding).
Ben Browder, Cameron Mitchell - Stargate SG1 This is another one of those series that is constantly looked over by everyone. Now the longest running Sci-Fi show in TV History, I think it's time we aknowledge that there is a reason for it's staying power. Ben Browder was awesome on Farscape, and he remains awesome on Stargate. He filled the really big shoes of Richard Dean Anderson and the show felt completely new. That is an impressive feat all of its own.
Hugh Laurie, House - House He's British, playing an asshole American doctor. I started watching this show mostly cos it was the only thing on at it's time, then I totally got sucked in. I blame the fact that I would have loved to be a doctor, and I have a thing for people who just tell everyone else to fuck off cos they know they are right (and he generally is). The season finale this year kinda freaked me out, what with the exploding testicles and 'it was all a dream' thing, but still it's one of the best medical dramas on TV and Laurie is the reason why.
Edward James Olmos, Admiral Bill Adama - Battlestar Galactica The Old Man rules. Sometime you've gotta roll the hard six. Olmos and Sci-fi go way back, all the way to Blade Runner. He claims he did the show to be the first Latino leader in space, I think he did it cos it's one of the best written series on TV, and he could not let this opportuniy pass. This is the role of a lifetime, something that will make his obituary. Olmos never fails, ever. You love him even when you hate him as Adama. He's got issues, the war was lost before it began, but he knows hope is what matters. BSG would not be the show it is without Olmos.
Bill Paxton, Bill Hendrickson - Big Love Bill Hendrickson is fucked. Two of his wives are disasters walking, he is being harassed by one of their fathers, extortion is going on and he has to figure out a way to make everything appear legal (ie: not polygamy). It is not easy to show a depth of character that spans every emotion and sometimes all in the same show. he is a struggling man, and Paxton was made for the role.

Who I Want to Win: Edward James Olmos, hands down, that's how we roll the hard six!

Best Actress Dramatic Series:
Kirsten Bell, Veronica Mars - Veronica Mars I do not have UPN, but every episode of Veronica Mars I have caught was awesome. Bell is incredibly talented (anyone see her as Mary Jane in Reefer Madness? (a role she reprised from her role on Broadway, yeah I said Broadway)), and I'm pretty sure Joss Whedon would create a show exclusively for her should VM fail. This is not a coincidence. I pray that the CW replaces my WB so I can watch VM (that's a lotta initials), mostly cos Bell carries a big show nearly on her own. And she is adorable and incredibly talented. Give me Bell!
Christina Cole, Cassandra "Cassie" Hughes-McBain - Hex This is the best thing to come out of Britain since Dr Who and The Office, only this takes itself far more seriously. I've recently discovered this show, and if you aren't watching it (on BBC America, Thursdays at 9 central) you are seriously missing out! Christina Cole plays that fine line between super powerful woman and damaged little girl. I can only see this show getting better, and Cole becoming even more convincing!
Emily Deschanel, Tempe "Bones" Brennan - Bones You might be more familiar with her sister Zoey Deschanel. These Deschanel girls are talented. Emily plays Tempe a socially awkward, socially retarded, forensic science genius. She works with the dead cos she doesn't understand the living. This is not easily portrayed. Tempe is screwed up, shes got boat loads of issues. She was abandonded, her parents went missing, her brother left her and she was raised in foster care. That alone makes for some pretty screwed up stuff. Add to that she's a genius who submerged herself in academia and came out the other end with a PHD and the inability to deal with the rest of humanity. Emily rules as Tempe, did I mention she like sto shott stuff?
Mary McDonnell, Laura Roslin - Battlestar Galactica President Airlock has survived Cylon attack, breast cancer, a rigged election, and a lot of other crap. Hell she even survived Billy. Mary McDonnell's come a long way since Dances with Wolves, and this role is complex and ever changing.
Ellen Pompeo, Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Meredith makes bad choices. She pays for them every day. Ellen Pompeo has mastered the art of the whiney pout. But even though she is a complete trainwreck, somehow I completely relate to her. Pompeo pulls it all off and makes it believeable. Favorite line: "I had pink hair and wore a lot of black in high school, the prom really wasn't my thing" Mostly cos that describes me in high school.

Who I Want to Win: Kristen Bell!! (although Mary McDonnell is actually FAR more likely to win)

Best Supporting Actor, Dramatic Series:
James Callis, Gaius Baltar - Battlestar Galactica Gaius Baltar is one of the finest examples of "is he or isn't he" crazy on TV. I actually can't imagine anyone other than Callis playing Gaius. It takes a great actor to walk the fine-line between sanity and insanity, between genius and idiot, Callis pulls this razor's edge off wonderfully. His delightful twist to run for president again the current president (whom he was vice president to) only makes me wonder what else Gaius has in store for us, considering he surrendered to the Cylons (but that wasn't really a shock was it?). He is irresponsible and a complete mess, yet no one ever sees him that way, plus he likes whores and booze. Plus he is involved in most of the really excellent sex scene, which is important to me. Good times.
Omar Epps, Foreman - House Epps plays the angry young black man that Pratt used to be on ER. Only he pulls it off. Foreman was hired by house not because he was a brilliant doctor, but because he had a juvenile recond for breaking and entering. He is constantly at odds with House, and is constantly accusing him of racism, yet he still has respect for House. It's not easy to play a well respected brilliant doctor who just happens to be the angry young black man, Epps doesn't just do it, he sells it.
TR Knight, George - Grey's Anatomy George loves Meredith, Meredith doesn't love George, George needs to grow a pair. As a guy who worships Meredith, George is a boring character, so I am a little glad that their tryst went horribly awry and is all sorts of over now. George has really grown into his own, he convinced Baily to have that damn baby even though her husband was on the brink, he's dating Callie who is the best addition to the show outside of the vetrinarian, and he seems to be growing up right before our eyes. George is a good doctor not just cos he's smart, but because he relates, he is a relatable character that TR Knight does a fabulous job playing. Broadway misses him, but I'd miss him more.
Goran Visnjic, Luka Kovac - ER Luka has been through a lot of shit in the last 5 years. Goran Visnjic has done an amazing job being Luka. It's not easy being a damaged genocide survivor, it's also not easy to run a Chicago ER. Why has this man never gotten an Emmy nod? Is it the Serbian thing? I hope not, cos he is a very gifted actor, if you have any doubts go see Welcome to Sarajevo.
Isaiah Washington, Preston Burke - Grey's Anatomy Washington is getting a nod from me for #1 playing a character which is so the antithesis of every character he has ever been, and #2 cos it's gotta be a bitch playing boyfriend to Sandra Oh's character. Washington does a fantastic job, and is convincing as the best cardiac surgeon in the Northwest. This season took Burke on a lot of highs and lows, and I think the season finale (with his possibly destroyed career due to gun fire) is only opening the door for Burke to further develop as a character, which is the point right?

Who I want to win: James Callis, Hands down. He is the best baddie on TV right now, mostly cos he doesn't realize he's bad and very few around him do. I eagerly await the series' return just to see what he does next!

Who of my choices would actually win: Isaiah Washington, and he totally deserves it.

Best Supporting Actress, Dramatic Series:
Katherine Heigl, Izzie - Grey's Anatomy I've been a fan of Heigl's since before she was Isabel on Roswell (does she only play Isabel's?). She has a lot of depth and can play almost anything. Her turn as white-trash turned underwear model turned surgical resident has been her best work yet! There is a lot more to Izzie Stevens than meets the eye, and she's good at concealing reality from those around her. Her relationship with both Alex and Denny shows that even if you are gorgeous, things rarely work out as planned. The neurotic moments of her scheme to get Denny's new heart brought something new to the table: her ability to scare the crap out of people. Heigl rules.
Tricia Helfer, Six/Gina - Battlestar Galactica Tricia Helfer has actually played a ton of different versions of the Six model on BSG, she was Six on Caprica before the cylon attack, she was Six who asked "are you alive?" before blowing up the Armistice station, she's been seen in her White Coat several times on Caprica post-boom, she's been Shelley Godfrey the woman who tried to expose Gaius for the fraud and traitor that he is, she's the Six in Gaius' head, she's Gina the tortured cylon from the Pegasus who ends up trouble, she's Caprica Six - hero to all cylons for infiltrating the defense system, Caprica Six is also haunted by Gaius Baltar and is different than her other models, there's the Six warrior model who beats Sharon's face to convince Helo she was beaten or who beats the hell out of Starbuck, there's the Six at the Farm, there's the Six who leads a troop of Centurions, do you get the picture? This woman plays about 20 different versions of one character. This isn't easy. She's come a long way from winning 1992's Supermodel of the World contest, and can actually act! Tricia Helfer got to show a lot of depth this season with the addition of Gina and Caprica-Six. She's not just a bitch anymore, she's a victim, and a woman blinded by love. Helfer does a terrific job being all versions of Six and will do well with any new incarnations they can come up with!
Parminder Nagra, Neela - ER Neela is constantly getting screwed. Finally the writers on ER have realized that her character has so much room for growth, and have taken advantage of it. From marrying a soldier-boy, to him choosing war over her, to Ray her best friend (who just happens to be madly in love with her and vice verse), to Galant's death, and her surgical internship. Neela finally feels like a real, defective human being like the rest of us. Thank god!
Katee Sackoff, Starbuck - Battlestar Galactica I love Starbuck. Katee Sackoff and I have the same birthday (Grace Park and Emma Caufield too), Katee Sackoff is awesome. To go along with my apparent theme of broken women, Starbuck is more than just some cock-sure ace pilot, she's also an expert sniper. J/K This season we got to see Starbuck in love (and how quickly and irrationally it happens), we got to see even more issues and tension between her and Apollo (will they ever just get naked? Please??), and we got to see her just be her regular kick-ass self, we also got to see that even she has limits to what she will do. Plus I think her rapidly growing hair is remarkable.
Chandra Wilson, Bailey - Grey's Anatomy Bailey is probably one of the most interesting African American female characters on TV right now, well on a major network (wait, UPN is gone). Sadly black women seem to really get the shaft when it comes to prime TV roles. I don't know why this is. She's tough, but lovable, she's stubborn, but giving, and the woman can plan a prom like you wouldn't believe. Her character isn't about being black, it's about being a strong, smart woman, and all the obstacle which you face being as such. She is the antithesis of Meredith, and I love her for it.

Who I want to Win: Tricia Helfer, I love me some Katee Sackoff, but Tricia Helfer works her ass off and does an awesome job!

Now I know the rest of you probably have an opinion (I already know one will be: Where's 24?), so let it loose. Again this is MY list of Emmy Noms, so of course it is naturally biased to shows I watch and like and characters and actors I respect. So sue me!

Happy UnHolyDay!

2006-06-06T14:58:00.000-05:00

Minions, Plebians, and other assorted folk,

It is here, the most unholy of unholy-days. Celebrate the Dark Lord!! It's the party of the century!! As a person who was one question away from being a Satanist as opposed to an Atheist on one of those lame ass tests, I think today is just swell. Be a hedon, drink to excess, hang out with loose women, turn off the air conditioner!!!

Because I am unable to attend Jocelyn's Day of the Beast Backyard BBQ, I will be attending The Omen. It is at the Crossroads-shit-house-Theater here in Wausau. Who needs surround sound? Not us at the Crossroads (ironic though that The Omen is playing at a Crossroads).

Don't forget to do something evil today! Here are some suggestions***:
-Buy the new Slayer album (which I think might be coming out today, second option: any album from some dark metal, goth industrial group, bands with names like: Fallen Angel, Blood Runs Black, The Murdered and anything in German )
-Buy a copy of Underworld Evolution (if only for the scott speedman/kate beckinsale trapped in a box sex scene, mmm good, where's my directors cut bitches?)
-Get your hands on the latest season of Charmed (although they really aren't evil without Shannon Doherty)
-Steal a baby jesus from someone's yard, stealing the Mary criche optional
-If in Milwaukee, go see Lockjaw at the Exclusive Company on Greenfield for free, Jose and his evil co-horts will fill your little heart with darkness and venom
-Go see the Omen at a theater with surround sound
-Wear a lot of black, if you don't usually
-Buy Mommy Dearest, then run around screaming 'No Wire Hangers!' (cos she was evil)
-Wander the streets saying 'hail the dark lord, he has risen!'
- Go to the mall, stand outside the Hot Topic asking people: "Have you accepted Satan as your personal lord and savior?"
-Make a handbasket to travel to hell in
-Buy the new Dazed and Confused release on DVD, go smoke one on the 50 yard line
-Cut your lawn to look like a pentagram, so if Satan travels by air he knows where you are
-Mock Christians, if you don't do so everyday like some of us
-If you haven't gone in yet, ask off from work, Jews get all those holidays, why can't a Satanist enjoy one unholy-day a century?
-Hang a cross upside down, or just knock over crosses
-Rent a bunch of movies with Satanic themes, and never return them, for your excuse say that after watching them you sent them to hell to be with daddy
-Hug a puppy
-Whenever you laugh, do it in a really menacing evil way, a very muahahaha
-Write a love letter to president Bush
-Most of all, just have a good time, cos we won't see another 6-6-6 in our lifetimes, unless we find a way to exchange our souls for eternal life, in which case see you next 6-6-6!!

In Congress with the Devil,
The Dark Devourer (which is honestly what my full name translates from Greek and Egyptian into)

***Of course I am not condoning breaking any laws, I'm only making suggestions, just like the dark one. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.

Just for Khrysten: Hieronymus Bosch's Hell, from his Tryptic: Heaven, The Last Judgement and Hell...

If You Aren't Outraged...

2006-06-06T08:10:00.000-05:00

...You haven't been paying attention.

Sometimes, this world is insane. Sometimes the people in this world are insane. The story below does nothing but concrete my belief that Cleveland, may infact, be the location of the ACTUAL Hellmouth. This story is reproduced from:Mother Jones: Uppity Cleveland Woman Sent to Psych Ward for Bush Slam written by Diana Dees.

Uppity Cleveland woman carted to psych hospital by police and ordered to a psych unit by judge

For as long as we have had some kind of mental health system, women who "behave incorrectly" have been ordered to undergo its treatments. At one time or another, feminists, suffragists, menopausal women, and women who question authority in any way have been sent to institutions so that they could recieve "help." The latest woman to get such help is Carol Fisher of Cleveland. Fisher is on the staff of Revolution Books, and on January 28, while she was putting Bush Step Down posters on telephone polls in Cleveland Heights, she was ordered by a police officer to take them down or face a fine. When she complied, she was asked for her ID, which she did not have on her. He then grabbed her by the arm, pushed her against a store window, and knocked her face down onto the sidewalk. He was joined by another officer, and they both pressed their feet against her back until she could not breathe. Her chin was pressed down into the concrete; Fisher has osteoradionecrosis in her jaw from radiation treatments for cancer.
Fisher was handcuffed and shackled. During this time, Fisher yelled out to everyone who passed what the posters were about. One of the police officers then told her, Fisher says, to "Shut up or I will kill you! I am sick of this anti-Bush shit! You are definitely going to the psyche ward."
She was then threatened some more and taken away in an EMS truck. At the hospital, Fisher was asked to undress in front of the police officers, which she refused to do. The officers refused to leave, so a nurse attempted to shield her while she undressed. Fisher says she was then cuffed to the bed, given an IV of some sort, and made to wait hours for a psychiatrist to interview her. By this time, members of her World Can't Wait group were in the emergency room having a confrontation with the police, who refused to let them see Fisher. Someone called the news media, who never made an appearance.
Fisher was eventually released and sent home. On May 2, she went to court and was found guilty of two counts of felonious assault of two police officers. The prosecution's "witnesses" had not seen the alleged assault; rather, they claimed that Fisher lacked respect for authority. It took a jury more than eight hours to find her guilty. According to a letter to the editor of The Free Press, the prosecution misquoted Fisher's testimony and gave the jury incorrect information about the city's arrestable offenses. When asked to clarify the law, the judge refused.
As part of the pre-sentencing procedure, the judge, Timothy McGinty, had Fisher undergo a state psychological exam. He had already surmised publicly that Fisher must be mentally unstable to resist arrest. McGinty then declared her "delusional," and on May 9, ordered her to be incarcerated in a psychiatric unit of the Cuyahoga County Jail in downtown Cleveland, where she now sits and waits; she could face a three-year prison sentence. According to Mark Crispin Miller, who has spoken with Fisher by telephone, Fisher has also been placed on suicide watch, has had her eyeglasses taken from her, and--if she refuses to take the psych exam--she will be sent to North Coast Mental Institute for a 20-day evaluation.

Remember folks, this is how it starts...

Longest Survey EVER!

2006-06-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

*** Please Note: Due to Blogger sucking ass I have been trying to post this for 6 days! I'm not even making that up! It keeps deleting the pictures or reformatting it, or it just won't save. This is why I haven't blogged, it's blogger's fault, NOT mine! I even gave up my witty Bai Ling photo comments just because for 5 whole minutes blogger was functioning, and I couldn't let the opportunity pass! So please enter your own Bai Ling jokes, it's just too easy!

So I lied, this post isn't about action figures or the adventures of junk mail and coaster. Sue me. Also I am dedicating this blog to Bai Ling, mostly cos she is so fucked up that when I am having a bad day, all I have to do is look at her and feel 99% better that I am NOT that big of a freak. Also the girls at Go Fug Yourself have an entire section dedicate to Bai. Although I think it is a contest between Bai and Chloe Sevigny to see who is fuglier on a regular basis (Chloe seems to be winning). Lots of the Bai pics are stolen from them, who stole them from someone else. I'm not overly concerned.

1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water?: I start the water first cos every day with my shower is an adventure. Sometimes it's scalding sometimes it's cold, you never know what you are going to get!!!
2.) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle? Yeah, but that's cos I'm a girl, and lame like that. Plus I am trying to stop being obsessed with my hair. Considering it currently looks like shit, getting over this is easier than I thought it would be.
3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial? Not really, unless the hot water is curing some sort of pain then it's more like a sigh of relief.
4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?:Yes
5.) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings? I have no siblings
6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?: Yes, only when exceptionally lazy
7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?: No, but I am concerned with all these questions about showering.
8.) How old do you look? I still get carded regularly so I'll say 21
9.) How old do you act? probably about 15
10.) What's the last song you sang?: Some made up somg Wendi wrote about destroying dandelions while marching around the picnic table.
11.) Have you recently become a member of anything? Not really although I was considering joining the Friends of the Doctor.
12.) What are your plans for the weekend? Riding a horse for the first time in many many many years, followed by icing my incredibly painful leg muscles.
13.) Do you kiss with your eyes opened or closed?: Closed but sometimes I'll open them just to see if the other person is a watcher.
14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?: No, but come the opportunity I am so in on that!
15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating?: No, if I did my ass would be exponentially smaller
16.) If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be? Some sort of beer wench. But I'd look damn fine in that pirate bitch outfit with the corset.
17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut?: Fuck yeah, but I prefer to call bitches cunts
18) Have you ever been called a slut?: Oh yeah, repeatedly to my face even.
19). Have you ever smuggled something into America?: Sort of
20.) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive?: Sometimes, not when they're all hippied out and hanging with some bongs though, unless Matthew McConaughey is involved.
21.) Do you live in a city with a good sports team? Um I think we have the Woodchucks which are some minor league baseball team, I have no clue if they suck or not.
22). Have you ever finished off the popcorn? Yes, I like popcorn schnibblies
23). How many people do you think would come to your funeral? Maybe 50 if the word got out.
24). How many of them would come just to make sure you're dead? Probably about 10
25). Do you have more enemies or more friends? Probably friends, but I used to be kind of a shit so this may not be true.
26.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter? Probably, I'm sometimes strange like that
27.) Can you fix your own car?: Depends, but mostly I leave it to my daddy and professionals
28.) Have you ever turned someone down for a date?: Yes, but not recently
29.) Are you smarter than your friends? I'm smarter than some of them, and some are almost smarter than me, but I don't hag with the dumb so I think as a collective we are all above-average-by-many-IQ-Points
30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?: Is stealing forgetting to give something back and then when the friendship ends being really glad you 'forgot' to give it back?
31.) Have you ever been to jail? sort of, does a holding room count?
32.) This question died. RIP question 32, we will miss you
33) Do you like the smell of beer?: not a lot
34.) Have you ever killed someone in a dream?: Not that I remember, although remembering dreams isn't my forte
35.) Have you ever given to charity?: Yes
36.) Would you kill a dog for $1000?: No
37.) Do you sometimes get depressed?: Hmm, am I an emotional mentally unstable human being? YES! OMG I have feelings and sometimes they are depressing!!
38.) Do you live with your parents?: No, but I stay there often enough
39.) Do you have plans for your future?: I'm not a future planner. When you plan and it fails it's a let down, I'd rather not be disappointed.

Some things you've done?
[x] ice skating
[x] hiking
[x] kayaking
[ ] rafting
[x] water skiing
[x] camping
[x] horseback riding
[ ]bodysurfing and skin boarding
[ ] snowboarding
[x] skiing
[x] dancing
[x] skateboarding
[x] cheerleading
[ ] lacrosse
[ ] street hockey
[ ] gymnastics
[ ] martial arts
[ ] baton twirling
[x] swimming
[ ]wakeboarding
[x] tubing

Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[ ] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[x] laid back
[ ] strict
[x] hyper
[x] weird
[x] ditzy
[x] sarcastic
[ ] slow

The pets you have HAD?
[11] cat(s)
[7] dog(s)
[ ] lizard's
[ ] rat(s)
[ ] ferret(s)
[ ] bunny(ies)
[many] fish
[ ]duck(s)
[2]horse(s)
[1] bird(s)
[ ] frog (s)
[ ] hermit crab
[ ] turtle
[ ] hamster
[ ] gerbil
[ ] guinea pig
[ ] goat
[ ] chinchilla
[2] baby chicks
[ ] hedgehog
[ ] piranha
[ ] newt

Your confessions:
[x] Love to make out
[x] I'm afraid of the quiet (sometimes it can be too quiet...)
[ ] I am really ticklish
[x] I'm afraid of the dark (not usually - only after playing a horror game or watching a horror movie)
[x] I've collected comic books
[x] I shut out others
[x]I open up to others easily
[x]read the newspaper
[ ] I love Disney movies
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[x] I don't kill bugs
[x] I bake well (just not chocolate chip cookies)
[x] I have worn pajamas to class (only during a really early final)
[x] I love Martha Stewart (just a little)
[x] I love to laugh
[x] i smoke ciggarettes
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] bite my nails
[x] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] Gotten lost in the city
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas (only when so sick changing clothes was a bad idea)
[x] Made out in an elevator
[ ] Been skydiving
[ ] Been bungee jumping
[x] Bitten someone (but it was the fun kind of biting, not the bad)
[x] Dressed up like the opposite sex
[x] egged a house/car
[x] Smashed into a car (I was not the driver)
[x] Been fired
[x] been skinny dipping

Have you ever...
[x]made out in the rain
[x] danced in the rain
[x] seen a shooting star
[ ] proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[x] eatin sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox (yes and I get recurrences all the time, thanks pox!)
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[x] Been on a cruise ship
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been on a Plane by yourself
[x] had surgery
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] been on stage
[x] peed somewhere other than a toilet
[x] gotten a black eye
[x] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] watched an entire baseball game.

Do you like...
[x] old movies
[x] musicals
[x] blasting music in your car
[x] foreign foods
[ ] Pokemon
[x] Christmas time

TWO'S OF EVERY KIND
Two Names You Go By Other Than Your Real Name: Drae and some sort of messed up attempted pronounciation of my actual name
Two Parts of Your Heritage: I'm all German (cos back then the part of Austria my dad's people are fromw as considered Germany)
Two Things That Scare You: fire, cats eating my dead caracasses eyes
Two of Your Everyday Essentials: pepsi and camels
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now: hoodie, short pants
Two Things You Want in a Relationship other than Real Love: Not to be misled and some sex
Two Things that Appeal to You In a Guy/Girl: sarcasm and intelligence
Two of Your Favorite Hobbies: Watching movies and bullshitting
Two Things You Want Really Badly: an entertainment center so I can finally get my stereo and shit together, and a new bicycle
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation: Prague and Vancouver
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die: I already did one (see the pyramids in person) and my second one is to go to Germany and see the house my great-grandmother grew up in Aufhausen.
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now: Why the painkillers aren't working, why am I here (not existentially I mean at work, if I can't get anything done)
Two Stores You Shop At: Shopko and Best Buy
Two people I haven't talked to in a while: Michael and Nick
Two favorite animals: Cats and horses
Two Reasons you're doing this survey: Boredom, and more boredom

Spell your name without vowels: drnn
How many pairs of jeans do you own?: Lots cos I like me some jeans
How many are designer?: The designer ones have been weaned out for the most part, I might still have a pair of Polo's around and I know I just washed my DKNY ones.
What color do you wear most often? Black and blue, just like my soul
Least favorite color?: baby pink
Last song heard on the radio: Aerosmith something
What's for dinner tonight?: Beef, it's what's for dinner. Actually I have no idea
Are you happy with your life right now? Eh, so-so
Tell me a secret about one of your siblings: They actually do exist, somewhere in Uranus
Who did you last call on your phone?: One my cell phone or my home phone? Cell phone would actually be Sean, home phone would be Amanda

PS2?: Xbox is a superior system, why waste my money on shit?
XBOX 360?: Not yet, but fuckin' A when I get the money one will be mine!
PSP?: Only cos Nintendogs is hilarious
Gamecube?: No, but it had some great games, I think Khrysten has one.
SIDEKICK?: I am not a huge technology freak, I could care less, plus I'm just not that important
DIGITAL CAMERA?: Mine is old and large, but still works better than some of the newer ones.

Last thing you bought over 50 dollars? I can't remember, I'm queen cheap like that. I know the last thing I recieved that was over $50 is my wunderbar BSG collection.
How's the weather?: Not hot enough!
Are you missing someone right now?: You can't miss people if they weren't there to begin with.
One word to describe you: Dork!
Do you own big sunglasses?: Oh fuck yeah, the bigger the better! Mine are so big they cover like half my face.
Do you find yourself attractive?: Eh, I hate this question right now
What would you rather be doing right now?: Sleeping, then wtching me some Tyra and going swimming.
What should you be doing right now? Working, but my boss isn't in so he can't assign new work so I am alas reading trade journals and research articles.
Last text message you recieved?: Some shit from Alltel about getting my love
Who did you hug today?: No one, remember kids, hugs not drugs
How many beds did you lay in yesterday? WTF? This is a dumb question, is it like How many roads must a man cross... I laid in one bed, mine.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing? baby blue
Q: Name one thing that you do everyday: fuck around on the computer
Q: Whats the color of your bedroom walls? this off-white-peachy color
Q: How much cash do you have on you right now? $8
Q: Whats your favorite sport?: horse racing and football
Q: I cant wait till..?: The rapture so I can sit back and watch it all go down. I look forward to Bai Ling riding one of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.
Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?: Sunday
Q: Who got you to join myspace?: I don't remember, I think it just seemed like a good idea
Q: What did you have for dinner last night?: cherry pecan custard from Culvers.
Q: Look to your left. Whats there?: my super-special new work phone that I can't figure out how to use
Q: Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?: Hmm I don't really borrow clothes as much as I trade clothes with Khrysten
Q: What website do you visit the most? Stuff on My Cat, I just can't get enough of those wacky cats
Q: Do you have plants in your room? Yup, some African violets and a snake plant.
Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?: My knees are fucking killing me and the painkillers I got yesterday are Failing!
Q: What city was your last taxicab ride in? Baltimore, I think
Q: Do you own a picture phone? No, I have no reason to take small shitty photos
Q: Whats your favorite starbucks drink?: Hot: Caramel Macciato Cold: Tazo Passion tea Lemonade
Q: Recent time you were really upset? Upset like how? Pissed off? Crying? What? I don't get that upset over things, so I have no fucking clue.

Last person you..
1. Saw: Wendi
2. Hugged: my mom
3. Shopped with: my mom
4. IM: Mike
5. Song you listened to: Thriller
6. What are you doing now: "working"
7. What are you doing tonight? nothing, I live in the fucking 'Sau for fuck's sake!
8. What are you going to eat for lunch: a peach and some noodle salad

Where's Your Towel?

2006-05-23T13:38:00.000-05:00

This post will be of the most random, and thus I am dedicating it to the Heart of Gold's Infinite Improbability Drive. If you don't get the joke, I'd like to introduce you to the number 42, and the nearly funniest Brit ever: Douglas Adams.

Recently I was at the allergist, trying to solve the mystery of the incredibly debilitating headaches I've been suffering. No they aren't migraines, already checked that. Checked my sinuses too, cos those are shot, but they are fine too. Last resort I figured was the allergist. Apparently I was wrong, but that's a different story.
I've been afflicted with allergies my entire life. Hayfever, hives and histamines, Oh My! I've had it all. Since I was 7 I've lived in fear of shellfish after a lovely incident involving me, nearly 2 pounds of shrimps, and gigantic hives. Then a few years ago, the day before my terrifying Saturday 7:30 am chemistry final, I broke out in hives again. My hands looked like Mickey Mouse mitts. It was terrifying. The culprit: suspected sodium dioxide allergy, a perservative used in the dried apricots I had been ravenously been consuming. I've been tested for allergies, I was on allergy shots, I have food intolerances, you name it, I had it.

Back to the story: So I go to the allergist, full well expecting to be told my allergies, once again, are so bad I need to become as Boy in the Bubble. Then something shocking happened: they tested me for allergies, and I am not allergic to ANYTHING. That's right, it's a fucking miracle, I am not allergic to anything I thought I was allergic to. Except some wierd mold that's around at the end of summer.

Now after 20 years of avoiding foods which may or may not contain, live near, be prepared near, think about shellfish, now I can eat it. Do you know how much that fucks with your head??? I mean the very thought of, or smell of shrimp makes me near to physically ill. Red Lobster? Smells like death to me. I have been effectively trained and brainwashed that shellfish may in fact kill me, and now they are nothing but food on a plate that lives and dies in it's portable home. Totally freaky. I did eat a shrimp egg roll on Saturday, I picked the shrimp out, but the shrimp mojo did not kill me. Hooray!!

This is the Titanic, at the bottom of the Atlantic

This is a Chevy Suburban, NOT at the bottom of the Atlantic

This past weekend I drove down to Milwaukee. On my way there I got stuck behind a blue Chevy Suburban from Minnesota. This was not unusual, what was unusual was the license plate. It read: TITANIC I shit you not, let me repeat TITANIC.

Now at first this is hilarious. I mean who names their car after the unsinkable ship that just so happened to sink. The longer you think about this the more clearly disturbing it becomes. Who in the hell names their car after a tremendous tragedy? I mean honest to Pesci, this is just fucked up. If they were trying to express the largeness of their Suburban (which is seriously excessively large), they could have tried GIGANTC or RLLYBIG or ENORMUS, Titanic just seems like a strange choice, if not a wholly inappropriate choice.

Then I started to wonder if they were just man-made disaster junkies. Do they have a Corolla at home with the plate LSITANA (Lusitania), did they name the titanic sized family boat The Edmund Fitzgerald (clearly they must own a gigantic boat, as I can see no other reason to own a Suburban)? Shit, should I rename my Honda Civic UNITD93? Does anyone else see why this is disturbing?

What do you call a Quarter Pounder in Space?

Samuel L Jackson: A Motherfuckin' Quarter Pounder in space!

The other night while Khrysten may or may not have been inhaling paint fumes, we were discussing why we are so thrilled with the idea of Snakes on a Plane; namely: Sam Jackson. We talked about how Sam Jackson is honestly, the only actor on earth who could pull this film off. And that we are happy to see him return to a genre of film where he can say 'mother fucker' a lot.

We really wished he could have conned George Lucas into letting his Jedi character say something along the lines of "Motherfuckin' Sith" just once in the films. We are not fans of this family friendly Sam Jackson. We are hoping though, that much in his traditional fashion that George Lucas will reissue episodes 1-3, butcher them, and add extraneous stuff. Our recommendations: "Motherfuckin' Yoda!" "Motherfuckin' Obi Wan!" "Motherfuckin' Padawan!" also we would like to see a full frontally nude Ewan McGregor, but that's a different story.

While discussing this we also realized that many Sci-Fi movies could have been made even better with a little Sam Jackson. Some examples:

Alien/Aliens: "Motherfuckin' Aliens!" "Motherfuckin' Chest Burster!"
Mars Attacks: "Motherfuckin' Brainy Martians!"
Independance Day: "Motherfuckin' Mothership!"
War of the Worlds: "Motherfuckers are juicing people!"
The Matrix: "Motherfuckin' Neo, you are coming with me, fuck this pill shit."
Serenity: "Motherfuckin' Mindreaders!" "Motherfuckin' Reavers!"
Blade: "Motherfuckin' Bloodsuckers!"
X-Files: "Motherfuckin' Bees!"
The Fifth Element: "Leeloo's Motherfuckin' Insane!" "That Crazy Bitch is Wearing a Motherfuckin' Tape suit!"
Star Trek Nemesis: "Motherfucker cloned Picard!"
Red Planet: "Motherfuckin' Earth is dying! We need Mars!!"
Pitch Black: "Run Motherfuckers, Run!"
Chronicles of Riddick: "Motherfuckin' Necromongers!"
Contact: "Only Motherfucker's don't believe Ellie Arroway!"

**Also on a Jodi Foster side note we would like to see him in Nell, we imagine it going something like this:
Nell: Hah-nah messer chickabee?
SJ: What? Motherfuckin' Chickabees? Where? Nell, you one crazy bitch.

Finally to bring us full circle:
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "That Zaphod Beeblebrox is one cool two-headed Motherfucking Hoopy Frood" "That was one good Motherfuckin' Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster!" "What the fuck kind of answer is 42?"

Next post: The Adventures of Junk Mail and Coaster, Final Battle Mal v. Not Fade Away Angel (While Willow, Tara and Miss Kitty Fantastico look on), Knit Club's New Official uniforms.

News of the Week

2006-05-04T13:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, the news is too good to pass up. I find this news and bring it to you. So now, I give you the news:

Tina Fey's worst hair ever, and Jimmy Fallon lookin' all adorable!

Mistress Says, "He makes a good bitch, so I'm sure he'll be fine."

Captain Morgan's Newest Flavor: Corpse

Bombs and Puppies Look the Same in a Bag

Grandma Says She Doesn't Like Gangsta-Rap and Porn?

NASA's Arch-Nemesis? Vultures.

Bush's Spanish is as Bad as Mine The picture alone on this one is worth it.

Carpenter Takes Cleanliness to New Level

Catholics and Ritualistic Killings, Together at Last!

Remember: Vote for Dad, Especially if You Live with Him

HIV Scare, Citizens Have 10 Second Glimpse into Life in 3rd World Country

You Can Go Home Again, But Only if You're a Cat

Technically it's Polyandry

Schools Deemed Satanic, Thousands of Children Cheer: "I told you homework was evil!"

Stalin's World Theme Park Makes Prison Camps Fun Again!

It's Just a Game Fuck-Wad!

Bong Hits for Jesus?

Find any news that I missed? Stick it in the comments, if it's good enough I'll post it with a witty title and a link back to you as the super sleuth who found what I missed.

BTW: Just a car update: My Honda is back, safe and sound with a new bumper, a repaired paint jon and they even cleaned what could be clean in my pig-sty of a car! The Honda dealer here does not suck, so if you kive here in Wausau, don't hesitate to take your car there!

Windstar Apocalypsus

2006-05-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Enterprise Rental Car Company,

Please note, when dropping off a car at the Honda dealership for one of their clients, remember that the Honda driver is used to a quality vehicle, a vehicle manufactured in the USA, a vehicle that makes sense, not some excessively large Ford Windstar mini-van (which isn't so mini just for the record). Also the customer would probably prefer some sort of economy car, not the fucking behemoth minivan with a gigantic dent in the rear bumper, and with features that don't shut off in the car for an extended period of time, leading the Honda driver to believe that this will lead to the battery being drained and possibly the end of the world (it could happen). The Honda driver is used to an efficient car that doesn't stay on when there is NO KEY in the ignition. Seriously. They are also used to cars that can be braked in a heel to toe fashion, not in a way that involves the full extention of the drivers leg, if they wanted a work-out for transportation I am sure the Honda owner could have gotten her hands on a bicycle.

The Honda owner would also prefer to make her own decisions as to whether or not she would like to be locked inside of the vehicle while driving it. It seems very dangerous to lock someone in an unfamiliar car, especially considering the rate of horrific automobile accidents in the greater Wausau area. Do you want to be held responsible for the Honda driver dying in a firey death box all because you couldn't or wouldn't buy cars that don't effectively trap the passengers inside? I am sure that the Honda driver is smart enough to not attempt to exit a moving vehicle, afterall they are driving a Honda and thus must possess more intelligence than your average dog, who would jump out of the window and not attempt to use the door handles anyway.

Also don't assume people want a non-smoking vehicle. You may also want to mention to the renter that the vehicle is non-smoking BEFORE they light up only to see on the keyfob the teeny tiny no smoking sign. Just an idea. No pressure here.

Just remember that while you may 'pick up' your clients, when you are picking them up from an auto dealership of an obviously superior vehicle producer to your own fleet of shitty Fords and Chryslers and perhaps a GM or two, maybe you should take that into consideration and not stick them with the lamest vehicle in your fleet. Besides Honda you may want to keep this in mind when picking up people who are located at dealerships which sell the following vehicles: Lexus, Acura, Toyota, BMW, Mercedes, Jaguar, Volkswagen, hell I will even throw Mazda (even though their stock is over 50% controlled by Ford), Hyundai, Mitsubishi and Izuzu into the mix. While every other freak in this town may have replaced themselves and half their extended family with a bevvy of unruly hooligans, this Honda owner is an import, and thus was not subject to the poor sexual education the area obviously has and who had access to abortion services that were not 2+ hours away, and would really prefer to not drive around a gigantic hooligan cage. Because effectively the Ford Windstar is a vehicle made to lock you in the car with your devil children so they can torment you into feeding them benadryl just so you can have a semi-peaceful trip to the OB-GYN to prepare for hooligan #8, or to head to Walmart only to have most recent hooligan projectile vomit while waiting in line at the express check out.
Just a few thoughts,
A Concerned Honda Driver

All Star Jams

2006-05-01T15:50:00.000-05:00

ALTERNATE TITLE: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving Richard Butler.

Richard Butler, being British-ish, and frakking adorable circa the 1980's

Sundays are generally the one day of the week that any thought of ‘work’ or ‘getting my ass off the couch’ is quickly eradicated by my own brain. This last Sunday was no exception.
I woke up too damn early, like 9 am on Sunday early. I curse my internal clock due to my early work schedule. But waking up this early afforded me one luxury: remembering that The Alternative was on VH1 Classic at 10am.

I love The Alternative. It is the only show on any music television (that I can tell) which revels in all the weird ass music I love. It ranges from gothy-synth-laden pop to ska to hard core punk and industrial. Generally the first hour covers the basics: Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Smiths, The Psychedelic Furs, Bauhaus, New Order, Erasure, etc… The second hour usually is a bit harder and ranges up through the mid 90’s with bands like Nirvana, the Sex Pistols, Nine Inch Nails, Skankin’ Pickle, No Doubt (before they were popular), Garbage, and a whole range of “College Radio” bands (anyone my age knows what I mean by this, bands like The Ghosts of American Airmen, Love Spit Love, Letters to Cleo, Dada, Paul Westerberg, Dramarama, The Judy Bats, etc…).

But when I first woke up I watched Animal Planet. Breed All About it was on, and it featured Doberman Pinschers. My only issue with this show was that there was a Dobie named Rommel. Who in the hell names their dog after the Nazi military leader who was in charge of the North African campaign in WWII? Honest to god, you might as well name it Mengele or Goebels or just go for it and call him little Hitler (although Hitler preferred German Shepards). I also witnessed a woman dancing with her Dobie, which apparently was some sort of Animal Planet morning theme as the next show also featured some freak dancing with her dog. I next watched a show called Dogs on the Job or some shit like that where I watched Nougat, a golden Lab, hunt for truffles in the South of France. This made me wonder why our good-for-nothing Lab only does things like get stung on the eyebrow by a bee or run into a stick so it protrudes out of her chest cavity, I almost forgot the time she got her ass literally chewed on by a wild dog, and got the porcupine quills in the face. Yeah, Casey’s a regular doggie genius. Then they started talking about Doggie Scouts. This was when I decided to tune in VH1 Classic so as to avoid having to watch this sort of crap.

This was when what may be the finest 20 minutes of late 80’s early 90’s music has ever occurred on the VH1 Classic. All Star Jams was on. They played the following in order:

Bobbie Brown – My Perogative
TLC – Ain’t Too Proud to Beg
Bell Biv Devoe – Poison
Monie Love & Queen Latifah – Ladies First

I need to qualify my former statement of greatness about this 20 minutes of grainy videos featuring corny songs. This was the music that was all the rage when I was just old enough to find music that I liked (not the crap mom and dad listened to, although my mother's taste in music is exceptional). It all came out around 5th grade and spawned through the remainder of my grade school years (I went to a K-8th, no I was not tortured with that whole Middle School thing). So it was kinda awesome to find a 20 minute steak that made me realize my childhood was riddled with some of the foulest music masked as hip-hop-pop. For instance: “Two inches or a yard, rock hard or with it saggin’, I ain’t too proud to beg” Shit. I had no clue when I was screaming “I ain’t too proud to beg” out of school bus windows what this meant. I mean I had an idea, but now at the wise old age of 27 I am a little shocked that someone didn’t slap my scrawy little ass. It’s one thing to know all the words to Baby’s Got Back (no, I will never be ashamed of my gift), it is wholly another to be 11 years old or so and singing about cock size. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to Monie Love, cos I completely forgot she existed until seeing her and Queen rap on about ladies coming first (again with the sexual imagery!).

Finally, The Alternative begins. I get myself ready for two hours of bizarre rock goodness. What do I get? Richard fucking Butler.

Richard Butler, as he appears today, less adorable, still very very British.

Now I need to do a small aside: Richard Butler was the lead singer of the group The Psychedelic Furs, which is a band I fucking love. Secondly he fronted the 90’s alternative group Love Spit Love, which was also an amazing band. Apparently he has a solo album out, and the bitch on The Alternative felt the need to tell us all about it. Don't get me wrong. I love me some Richard Butler, but shit, Did I need to see 8 Psychedelic Furs and 3 Love Spit Love videos in 1 hour? Honest to Christ! I didn't know Love Spit Love had any songs that could be video worthy besides their cover of The Smiths "How Soon is Now" which was used both in the movie The Craft but which is also the theme song for the WB show Charmed and "Am I Wrong" from their first album, I didn't realize there was more than one album. I don't even mind that he was on, and was being very British and didn't really say much, what bothered me was that the hostess was so busy jerking him off with praise and compliments that I wanted her to just give up and let him wank alone! (an aside within my aside: I came to realize today that the shit she was reading was right off of the Psychedelic Furs website and was his bio information. Talk about doing her research, where's condescending Amir when we need his journalistic integrity?)

Other than that I was fulfilled by my The Alternative experience. I got my fill of the Mode and the Cure and Erasure and all the bands of yore. Afterwards I stayed with VH1 Classic for basically the rest of the day (mostly cos I was on the phone all afternoon, every so often commenting about my VH1 Classic Experience, eventually coercing my phone partner into turning it on herself). Here are my thoughts on my afternoon date with VH1:

Why does Randy Newman have a music video for anything? I don't care how much he loves LA, he's never getting hot bitches like the ones in the video. The range of possibly getting hot bitches from most unlikely to maybe likely is as follows: #1 Randy Newman, #2 Michael Moore, #3 Matt Pinfield (who only gets babes cos they think he can hook them up with bands and shit).

Sade's "Smooth Operator" is a song we can all agree, doesn't suck at all, and never did.

All videos from the 1970's are not in fact from the 70's, cos there were no music videos then, they were edited together later, and then intercut with strobe lights and trippy visuals.

Someone needs to call Chaka Kahn about her hair and tell her to fire her stylist. Although the video was from the 80's she should find said stylist and fire them again if she hasn't already.

Johnny Rotten was fucking adorable as a young Anti-Christ, and Henry Rollins is still one fine motherfucker.

Isaac Hayes new version of "Shaft" was exactly the same as the old version, only now he could get a real video with Samuel L. Jackson getting bleeped saying motherfucker. Also did anyone else realize Christian "Hottie Batman, Scary Bateman" Bale was in Shaft? Hush yo' mouth.

Khrysten's AOL Music On Demand channels have an entire channel dedicated to Depeche Mode. The only problem is whenever she tries to watch it, it appears that everything has gone to cubes. I determined that they must have fired Anton Corbijn and instead dug Picasso out of his grave and demanded he rework all their videos. Go Mode.

When Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called To Say, I Love You" is on the VH1 Classic and you are on the phone, you can actually recreate the whole video by doing what we have deemed "The Stevie" which is a gentle swaying to and fro with a slight feeling of not knowing what's around you/ It's even better if both you and the person on the other end of the phone are doing this.

The Violent Femmes and They Might Be Giants may have some of the most low-budget minimalist videos from the late 80's but by god they are great bands.

I love VH1 Classic, but not as much as Battlestar Galactica.

BTW: You may notice a new name in my Daily Reads. The newest member is Kellen, who just happens to be my cousin, and who just happens to prove that being smart as hell and funny to boot may be genetic. Sarcasm can be inherited! Go memes!

Buffy Vs. StarBuck

2006-04-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

"I've decided 27 is going to be all about the angel food cake..."

Last Saturday was my birthday. I turned 27, and for once I didn't have some sort of 'OMG I am so much closer to death' breakdown.

Firstly I received a wonderful gift from the Blogsphere, from one of my favorite Bloggers Pie, who sent me a gift membership to the Nine Inch Nails fan club. I just want to say how absolutely awesome it was to recieve a gift from someone who, for all intents and purposes, is a perfect stranger to me. Pie's gift was a wonderful way to start out my festivities, which honestly went on for an inordinate amount of time.

Secondly, the other members of the tripod came up to visit me. This was nearly a miracle, as it was very tough to coordinate this effort. Khrysten and Amanda came up to hang out with me, although this was almost derailed by an emergency trip to the SPAM museum in Minnesota. I would have understood this and gladly joined them in their pilgrimage to this holiest of shrines. Although there appears to be a SPAM jamboree of sorts in June which we may need to get ourselves to, birthday or no birthday!

Khrysten brought me up the lovely quilt she made for me. It's actually a quillow. She wrote up the trials and tribulations of making it, on her Blog. Funny thing is when she originally sent me the photo it was only of one half and then she kept mentioning that it was a butterfly and I thought she was insane cos it looked nothing like a butterfly. I was concerned for her mental health, as well as her husband's who decided it was like a cocoon that unfolded into a butterfly. I was starting to wonder what was in the water in Racine and if I could get some. She even made it large enough for me to share with a significant other should one ever metriculate into my life. (also it is big enough for the cats to play in, in case cats are my only future).

We hung out from Thursday through Saturday afternoon. We celebrated Khrysten's leukemia free-ness. We had a Buffy marathon, which involved us watching an exhorbinant amount of season 4, and which amounted to over 20 hours of sheer Buffy joy. Yes we are this lame, yes this can entertain us for hours. Come to think of it we didn't even get drunk or anything. We just Buffy marathoned it.

At one point we did end up at the grocery store where we considered buying the $25.00 pygmy goat for sale on the community board. He was absolutely adorable, and it was reasoned that Khrysten does have a barn, and Amanda does have a spacious yard to keep a tiny goat in. There was concern as to why the goat was cheaper than a carton of cigarettes. But I long ago learned to not question the fucked-up-ness of Wausau and it's surrounding communities.

Khrysten also brought me up the Sci-Fi Immersion Program she began which involves the shows: Earth 2, Space Above & Beyond, and Cleopatra 2525. The latter involving Gina Torres as a woman named Hell, and a girl with a botched boob job who wakes up in the future. Honestly, it is not a surprise that this show was cancelled, what was surprising is that it was even made. In addition to being borrowed a part of the SFI program she also added to my rapidly growing Farscape collection and bought me all the new Battlestar Galactica, which is awesome as I am now hopelessly addicted, and when I grow up I want to be Starbuck.

On Friday night we went out for dinner with my co-worker Wendi and her husband Matt. We ate at a place called Gulliver's Landing and I gotta say, the food mostly sucked. The coleslaw was good, and I am such a fan of this fine food, but the fish fry was greasy and did not appear to be beer battered in the least (bastards!). Afterward we returned to my apartment with Matt and Wendi to join the Buffy marathon (which Wendi did gladly and which Matt had not been told about. I did attempt to hook up my X-Box in my bedroom for him, but I didn't have the right connections for it, so he had to suffer). Wendi got me a really cool knitting needle case with tiny monkey charms in it and the thread spool holder thingamajiggie for my sewing machine so I can use it again, cos it's old and broken. The monkey charms are awesome and am trying to find a rightful home for them. There was also Angel Food cake with whipped topping frosting, which was delicious!!!

On Saturday after I bid the girls adieu I headed north to my parent's house to celebrate birthday-actual with my family. We went out for dinner at the Diamond Inn where a roudy troupe of drunks sang me Happy Birthday over my kneecap (it's a small fried donut covered in powdered sugar with a glob of whipped cream on it, it does actually look like a kneecap, but thankfully doesn't taste like one. It is the dessert specialty of the Diamond Inn). I did learn that one of the owners of the DI had her birthday the day before and one of the drunks was the day after. Apparently it was a popular weekend to be born.

My aunt and uncle got me some stuff for my kitchen including a cutting board as large as one of my tiny countertops, a nice new knife, an original tupperware orange peeler (do you have any idea how hard these are to find????) and a Mexican food cookbook. The cook book looks awesome and I plan on spoiling people with food from it soon. My mom's best friend Mary got me what I have deemed the most creative gift I recieved. It was a small selection of Fiesta Wear (which I love) packaged with the things you would consume from them (example: ramekins with flan mix). It was fucking brilliant. My mom and dad got me a Turkish pepper grinder, little travel purse accessories, a pair of shoes, a sweater shaver and something else I can't remember.

In otherwords I got a good haul.

I have spent the last week airing out my apartment (get 3 smokers in a small space and watch the stink arise), recovering from too much human interaction and watching Battlstar Galactica as if it might make a faster than light jump right out of here. I'm sorry it took me this long to post, but I promise to get more on the ball about it!

News For You!

2006-03-31T12:34:00.000-06:00

Cos the news seemed so popular last week, it's back again!

It's Not Called Tornado Alley for Nothing

File Under: DUH!

Child Cries: "Daddy I Was a Jew Today"

That's Distracting? I Would Have Been So Screwed if That Were My School

Smugglers Inspired By Lost? Where's Charlie?

Cos the Word Bribe Doesn't Insinuate Favoritism

If Naomi Campbell Hosted America's Next Top Model Would She Kick Janice Dickenson's Ass?

It's Like a Genocide Scrapbook!

I'm Okay with This Only if She Doesn't Let Joe Near it!

Cos it Turned Out So Well for Utah and New Mexico...

Can We Send Cats to Guantanomo?

Russell Simmons Deaf Poetry, The Bitch Broke My Heart, Jam

Welcome to Spring Forward, Fall Back Indiana

She Once Serviced Men, Now She's Customer Service

Snakes in a Car

So That's How School Girls Got their Reputation!

Go visit my Renter! He has lots of much funnier news, cos this news list seemed like a better idea before I realized few things will ever beat the Miss Deaf Texas sroty... Go see Rob, he's so lonely for your touch...

Welcome Rob & Some Rants

2006-03-29T11:14:00.000-06:00

I would first off like to welcome my new renter 'Rob in China.' If you like the crack-ass news I dig up, you will love his blog. On his blog right now are photos of Pug dogs dressed up in hot dog buns with mustard and ketschup on their little pug backs. Frickking hilarious! For every news story he also finds appropriate photos. Things like a man urinating into a car gas tank, or panda's mating (yeah I bet you didn't think they did that either). Anyways I really enjoy his blog. I have found myself on more than one occasion laughing my ass off about some random news story that fell through the cracks. He's only here for a limited engagement, so go click on him now!

In other news...

There are 3 recents news bits that have me flaming pissed.

News Bit #1- Eric over at Panic Blog has been getting flak over a news story that I posted. Remember the 18 year old Deaf Miss Texas who got hit by a train and died while text messaging? Go to Eric's blog for the full details, cos the article link doesn't work anymore. Anyways, he remarked that he thought, while sad, that this article was hilarious. It's one of those things you shouldn't laugh at, but you can't help yourself from laughing at. Well some anonymous freak starting rattling about how this was a tragedy, blah blah blah and how Eric is evil. So I have decided to show in a few simple steps why in fact this story is hilarious, because obviously Miss Deaf TX, was not the sharpest crayon in the box.

#1- As a non-deaf person I have always been told to not walk on or near train tracks, because it is extremely dangerous. A deaf person, WHO CAN'T HEAR THE FUCKING TRAIN, I think that sentiment goes double for. She was clearly aware that she was deaf cos she entered a fucking pageant for it!

#2- It's Texas, so why in the hell does a train in Texas have a SNOW PLOW on it? That alone makes this comedy, because the snow plow is what got her!

#3- As an adolescent I naturally threw away the warning that had gotten me to this point in life about railroad tracks and had begun fucking around on railroad tracks. (and just for all of your information, no you cannot derail a train by putting the following items on the tracks: a penny, a dime, a quarter, a nickle, a collection of rocks, a shoe, a really long plastic rod thing that you thought might get caught on the spinnie parts of the train wheel-thing, a construction cone, half a skateboard, Hot Wheels cars, or crushed soda cans. The entire community of Hartland is thankful for this.) When you fuck around on the railroad tracks you notice that a good deal of time before you can see the train, you can feel the vibrations, which tell you 'get the fuck off the tracks idiot!.' Seeing as deaf people naturally have their other senses enhanced (like feel, smell and sight) Deaf-Girl should have felt the rumblings of the train long before the snow plow could be a threat. Had she turned around and seen the train after feeling the rumblings she still would have had plenty of time. Even with an Amcrash you have time to move.

#4 Isn't it dangerous for a deaf girl to be walking the streets? Mostly cos she can't hear if someone is about to attack her, or hit her with a car or train? Why didn't someone get the girl a fucking bicycle, so she could at least ride on the sidewalks and have mirrors to see behind her? Plus she was 18, you can legally drive a car if you are deaf, why didn't she spend some of those pageant earnings on a fucking car?!?!

These factors when added together with text messaging show that 1. She wasn't a bright girl by any means, deaf or not, 2. If it hadn't happened this time, eventually her idiocy would have led to her innevitable death by another equally asinine method. Honestly the only thing that could have made this funnier is if she were Deaf Littlest Miss Texas, and she had been killed by an oncoming pontoon boat. (regardless it is always sad when someone dies, but when it is a Darwin Awards nominee sort of death, you still have to laugh. Also I would like to personally congratulate the first runner up in the Miss Deaf Texas Pageant, I hope your reign as queen will be less deadly)

News Bit #2: Immigration Rights.

Okay people, there are plenty of legal ways to enter this country, and there are ways to legally get citizenship. With this said, WHY WOULD AN ILLEGAL ALIEN DESERVE RIGHTS? Seeing as #1 their presence is ILLEGAL and #2 they are an ALIEN. That's like telling me if I rob a bank I still deserve the right to make a withdrawl from the same bank. BULLSHIT.

Running your pregnant Senorita across the US border when she is ready to pop so she can give birth on US soil and thus produce an American Citizen is Bullshit. That goes for you too China, sending your pregnant women over here to give birth so the baby doesn't get killed in China or worse, in case she is born a girl and fills you with shame, are not excuses either. Join the 21st Century, learn about Human Rights (like the US should talk, but still....).

Now I know, I know, But BEG, who will fill low income crap jobs like hotel maid and fruit picker if we don't let the illegals in and let them stay? How about some actual AMERICANS who are unemployed and living on the poverty mark with 3 kids? I'm pretty sure someone who dropped out of high school freshman year to pursue their life long dream of breeding might welcome a chance to make $7.00 an hour wiping down bathroom sinks. No offense, but I'm pretty sure if LEGAL workers had jobs like that, there would be a natural rise in wages and whatnot because they couldn't just hire someone who can't speak English and who doesn't know how much their check should be for how long they worked.

I live in WI, and because we have some of the most lienient rules regarding illegals we are illegal central. I'm not just talking Mexicans, this has nothing to do with where they come from, because I can guarantee you a good deal of the Hmong up here aren't legal, I doubt some of the Somali's are either. (Some Eastern Europeaners, Russians, East Indians, other Asians and African and South Americans are all guilty also of being illegal, so don't even dare call me racist. This has nothing to do with race and everything to do with legal citizenship). Recently they proposed a bill to make it nearly impossible for illegals to get drivers licenses.

I have to admit I was shocked as shit when I learned that apparently, I didn't need that birth certificate and social security number I was required to provide to get my license. Apparently all I need is to stand in the 'non-English' speaking line and smile. Why on earth would any state let illegal immigrants get drivers licenses or state IDs? I mean, that legitimizes them in some way, and makes it easier for them to establish a life here.

Here's the main problem to me. So many illegal immigrants come to the US and unless they are in a major city like NYC or LA they aren't sniffed out. They don't live in fear that they will get sent back or to prison. Deportation isn't threatening when you can just jump the border again.

The resources sucked by illegals are also alarming. Think about it, because they are illegal they don't get health care benefits, when little Sergei breaks his arm, who's paying for it? Legitimate citizens are. Illegals are usually paid in cash, they are not paying taxes, social security, medicare, medicaid, any of it, YET they are drawing resources from the American government. To me this is bullshit.

I am only second generation American. My great grandmother, great grandfather, grandmother and grandfather all came over here on boats. BUT they all came legally. They all had visas, they all applied for citizenship and learned the pledge of allegiance and the history of the US. They came here because they wanted a better life forever, and they wanted their children and grandchildren to have these better lives. But you can't get those better lives if you aren't legal! Teaching your children to live a life beneath the law only creates criminals. I know that there are sucess stories of poverty stricken latinos coming to america and their kids growing up to be six-figure earners. BUT this is the exception and not the standard.

Being an illegal immigrant in this country should be a felony, and it should be mark for immediate deportation. If we can't stop them from coming in the crappy way we've been trying (yeah cos 15 guys can patrol the entire boarder of Texas and Mexico!) then maybe a wall isn't the worst idea ever. We need to keep track of people with work and school and vacation visas to make sure they really do leave when they are supposed to or begin to go through the proper channels to become citizens. Maybe we need a visa patrol who are like probationary officers for people who are not citizens of this country, who check up on them and make sure things are staying on the up and up. Remember if someone had followed up in the expired education visas of the 9/11 hijackers and deported them, 9/11 may not have been, or may not have been as tragic as it was.

News Bit #3 - Freedom of Choice - Dateline: South Dakota

This issue for me will soon be an entire blog post, complete with soapbox jumping and general WTF is wrong with people mentality. Until then there is this:

An Open Letter to the Residents of South Dakota (and Pro-Lifers everywhere):

Before you cast that vote to make ALL abortion illegal in your state even in the event of rape and incest, and only allowing for abortion to be used as a heroic measure to save the life of the mother I ask you to consider the following questions:

1. If you recommend that these women give their children up for adoption, how many babies are you willing to adopt. By babies I mean babies of mixed ethnicities, or who may be of a different ethnicity than yourself who may have AIDS, fetal alcohol poisoning, who may be crack babies, mentally retarded, have birth defects, be prematurely born or otherwise disabled or disadvantaged. I am not talking healthy white babies.
2. Are you willing to dish out the cash to pay for their pre-natal care, and their delivery costs? Prenatal care costs an average of $800 per woman, the average birth costs $2500-$11,000 (to term with prenatal care, higher cost is for ceasarian), BUT the average cost associated with a premature birth, neo-natal care, postnatal problems, birth defects or complicated birth is over $41,000 and can range up to almost half a million dollars.
3. Are you willing to increase your tax base to accomodate the increased strain put on the social services in your state or county. Are you willing to pay more in taxes to cover the local health care clinic, the day care for low-income families, and the costs foster care? Are you willing to have your local middle and high schools have day care centers for students children? Are you willing to pay for the increase in social workers that will be needed, for job training for mothers who could not finish high school, for Mother and Infant Health Clinics? If you think the costs of abortions are high, just wait until you see the real cost of banning abortion.
4. Are you ready to attend the funerals of girls who get back-alley abortions or who go to snake oil doctors in Mexico and other places and die due to hemorraging or infection because they had no access to safe legal care? Are you willing to tell each of their parents that their daughters deserved to die for breaking the law, for doing something that your religion (and not necessarily theirs) says is wrong? That their little girl got what she deserved for being a whore? (even though you probably also don't think that the birth control she could have used to prevent the pregnancy is right either?)
5. Are you willing to tell victims of rape and incest that the crimes committed against them mean nothing? Are you willing to pay for their therapy as they face a life raising the spawn that was made in an act of hate, power and control? Are you willing to tell these women that the crime committed against them is less offensive than the one they may commit in ending the life of a 'child' created from rape? Are you willing to tell a little girl that the in-bred child inside of her because her father raped her is a gift from God? Also if any of you can explain or define to me "simple rape" as mentioned by State Senator Bill Napoli of Rapid City, SD, I would be forever greatful.

If you are willing to do each and everyone of these things, carry the financial burden imposed by increased birth rate, and carry the social burden that will innevitably lead to poverty and increased crime. Then go ahead, vote to uphold the ban. But if you aren't willing to do even one of the things on this list, then you have to vote no, because if you aren't willing to carry the burden, what right do you have to tell a woman what burden to carry.

Sincerely, BEG

BTW: I would like to introduce you all to my hero in all of this abortion madness: the President of the Ogala Sioux Nation Cecelia Fire Thunder. She swears she will find a way for abortion to be offered on tribal lands to all women of South Dakota, even if it means paying for it herself. You can read more about what Fire Thunder Proposes here: Indian Planned Parenthood? She is a hero, and I wish more people had the balls to stand up to a bunch of lazy rich white dudes leading lives of luxury like she is. If you can support her, even if it's just dropping her an email please do so: Fire Thunder Contact info I would like to mention that the Pine-Ridge Reservation is one of the poorest in the country, for the leader of such a people to not only care about doing this for her women, for all the women in her state is a pretty big thing. Wounded Knee took place on this reservation, you can learn more about the conditions of this place to truely understand the poverty and why Ms. Fire Thunders offer is even more meaningful here: Pine Ridge Reservation

Rant over, Now don't you want to go read some silly Chinese news? Click on my renter, and feel the rush of relief!

News of an Apocaylptic Sort...

2006-03-22T15:33:00.000-06:00

I heard your screams for more news, I heard them all the way over here! So now, I give you the news, in the way only I can bring it to you!

Hung Like a Horse Has a Whole New Meaning...

A New Example to Offer When He Won't Ask For Directions

Just Take the Ticket Stupid...

It Might Not be a Big Deal to Her, But the Pubic, I Mean Public May Beg to Differ

Booze + Big Kitty = Idiot

She Seemed Awful Quiet, and the Rent Was Good

Babies Love Bleach!!!

It's Not the Dogs! I Told You, it's the People!

Cos the Job Didn't Suck Before the Nakedness

Locked in Bedroom for Years, Girl Confides in Deli Man

Crocodiles, Like AIDS, Don't Care Who You Are

It Took a Coke Shortage for People to Realize Zimbabwe Has No Money???

Wisconsin Wants Plan B, Your State Should Join the Fight!

Chef's Departure = Hilarity for Sure!

Wine and Porn Together At Last!

Who Needs a Grave Anyways??

My, What Lovely Potatoes You Have

How Long Will the 'Wrath of God' Election Speech Work?

You Can't Take the Gnomes From Me!

Just for A2: Miss Deaf Texas Texting on Tracks, Gets Hit By Train

And Finally: The logodaedalus was incompossible with the jobernowl, who believes that the zoozoo was tasty right down to supernaculum

If I were a man, I'd totally want to be Paul Rudd. Look at him, isn't he just sassy? Sassy Pants Rudd, oh yeah! Until the news is stranger than fiction again, I say Adieu!

Drrty!

2006-03-21T15:20:00.000-06:00

Why do I love these memes???

The Dirty Little Secret
Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSMf)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word "finger". You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it's almost unheard of. So congratulations. You've had plenty of adventures, but you've remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

Your exact opposite:
The Wild Rose

Random Brutal Love Dreamer

You seek pleasure, but you're not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don't like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it's inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You're not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Hornivore, The Manchild, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Bachelor, The Backrubber

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: blackeyedgrl

Sinner!

2006-03-14T13:13:00.000-06:00

This was stolen, but modified from my My Space Blog. I wish I had something more interesting to say, but I just don't. Based on how my day is going thus far, I might screw up anything I attempted to do on my own so this is safer.

WRATH

1. Who did you last get angry with? Hmm, this is tough. Possibly Amanda, but most likely myself.
2. What is your weapon of choice? Broken Sprecher Bottle? Mostly words, and tears, tears are a highly underrated weapon.
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Um, I have, and they liked it and asked for more and for me to be naked...
4. How about of the same sex? I recall slapping a girl, maybe. Mostly I hit men.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Fuck if I know, again I am my own worst enemy. Possibly Amanda though.
6. What is your pet peeve? "holding you gets me through the week" Faux romanticism, and disingeuous bullshit.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? You ever see The Grudge? That angry spirit thing ain't got nothing on me, just kidding (or am I?) but I do forgive and forget pretty easily unless I'm really hurt.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't? Not take a nap. Oh and get off my fat ass before it melts into the couch.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? Back in the rave days I never went to bed. Even so I probably never woke up later than 6pm.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Andrea, but I'm such a shit ass friend I'm afraid she won't even want to talk to me.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? Um, I can't come to New York because I am not fashionable in my lame ass hoodie couture.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Yes, my mother is QVC's #1 fan and that's just hours and hours of infomercial.
6. When was the last time you got in a good workout? October, when I was still having crazy monkey sex.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? 6, which is pretty good for me

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Um, is Pepsi yuppie? I'm a cheapskate.
2. Are you a meat eater? Never trust your pink fleshy heart to a carnivore. But yes, I am a fan of meat, mmm bacon...
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? God, this is hard. Lately? After my childhood home looked like Katrina hit it and I got so drunk I could barely walk and lost 4 packs of cigarettes. How much was involved: 3 shots, 4 big mixed drinks, maybe more, maybe less, it's hard to remember.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? Um, I can't even use a homemade diet.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight?Only recently. I blame my Dolly Parton look-alike coworker (seriously, she had a DD chest and can wear kids clothes, this would give any woman a complex), Khrysten's mysterious sudden weight loss and the fact that everyone is getting skinnier while all I do is gain weight. My ass may rival J-Lo's soon. I only hope it doesn't need velour the way hers does.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Salty then spicy and sweet to wash it all down.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"? What the fuck kind of question is this? I've looked and thought "WHY? For the love of all that is holy, Why??" but never "Lunch."

LUST

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? Christ, like I can remember. This is like asking me what I wore 2 weeks ago Wednesday.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? Again, I do not recall, it may have been the tan cords or the flower embroidered jeans.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation? Constantly, but it's natural right?
4. Have you "done it"? If you write 'Done it' then you are like 12. yes I have, with many different people, and not a one has complained, well they may have but I ignored it.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Is it wrong that I want to say cock? And no not penis, or willy or dick, but cock? If I had to say something besides that probably face, cos that's important too. (wow I sound evil)
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No, but I was mistaken for one outside the Landmark last summer. It was recommended that I move to a different corner because the homeless guy believed that the Vice were coming. Does Milwaukee even have a Vice squad?
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Yes, and Yes COS I HAVE A VAGINA! Yeah, we are forced into this every year. Some of us more than once.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own? 1 credit card, 1 debit card
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Victoria's Secret. It was created by the devil, and then they gave me a gold card.
3. If you had $10 million, what would you do with it? There is a lot to this, it involves sheep, goats, chickens, yarn, an AK-47, possibly some lemurs and a fortified compound.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich-Bitch
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Um I accepted a boring job that pays shit, I am not picky.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes, and I've gotten caught. But I was a babe then, anything I've stolen since I see more as contributions to the poor.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? Yeah, Like I know. A lot

PRIDE

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of? Graduating with honors from 2 universities and still having never attended a graduation ceremony. Striking out on my own with little to no help is a close second.
2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Striking out on my own, graduating college, showing my horses, my job, probably lots of other things. My mom was really proud last weekend when I made homemade soup all from scratch. I'm an only child, so I am all of their joy (and pain)
3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life? Get to fucking Germany and Prague (cos spelling the country it's in is too much fucking trouble), getting married, having babies and enough money to have horses again.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? I am a poor loser.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Yes, it was called college, and now it's called a job. Alternately it's know to me as Life.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? I'm so good I don't need to cheat.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? Finished my first case on my own. Granted it was a no identifiable prints case, but still it was all mine.

ENVY

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Khrysten's house hands down. but I'd move it out of the ghetto.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Khrysten cos she's really good at making something out of nothing, on a budget with a sewing machine.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? Me, skinnier, in a better city, making more money, going to grad school with an awesome boyfriend who knows what I mean when I say 'Gorram It.'
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes, but it was a long time ago.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? TEETH, better teeth
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? The ability to not tear myself down, to not feel guilty and to feel deserving of greatness or love.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Not really, some of this is lame.

Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Lust followed closely by sloth and envy.

Whiplash Smile

2006-03-10T12:57:00.000-06:00

My new renter this week is Whiplash Smile, which is a blog that I've had blogmarked for some time. Why you may ask? Because Serra's kinda crazy. Kinda crazy in that way I'm kinda crazy. I would like to thank Serra for renting this week! Also whenever I see her screen name I am taken to a Firefly place, a place with Inara Serra, who is my favorite Firefly character.

She has a feature called ask your Psychic Fiend (yes it's spelled correctly), and it's hilarious. I can only image it is a mockery of Elsa Elsa's blog, which I have to admit, I once asked a question of (to which I was told my role was to serve or suffer, which seems kinda harsh). The psychic fiend is currently taped up, but is accepting new questions right now. And Fuck Yeah! I can take a joke!

She also has a business with it's own blog too Scented Business, where she sells things that would make nice gifts for yourself or others (that alpaca scarf is gorgeous!).

I really enjoy Serra's plan to reconfigure the PBS pledge drive. I too was watching the Very Best of Monty Python and was interrupted by boring hosts and fat people in matching T-shirts answering phones. I too was irritated by it. Only I didn't come up with a new plan. She did:

Here's the new plan: PBS should BEGIN the program section that is advertised for pledge-breaking annoyance with the HOSTS, not the funny and good PROGRAM they're trying to raise money to carry. You see, if this segment BEGAN with, "Hi! We're your gag-inducing hosts, Suzy Creamcheese and Guy Dilhole. You're stuck with us until you send us enough money to put Monty Python's Flying Circus in this time slot. We're going to stay here, annoying the living piss right out of all of you, until you all call in and pledge enough money to fund this program," they'd have those on-the-fence (and on-the-dole) viewers so sick of them within 10 minutes that they'd have every cent it costs to show Monty Python on PBS.

I would send them money to make them shut up. I think this plan is brilliant! BTW: Did I mention she then enacts how this would go down with sock puppets? YES, I said sock puppets (well she talks of imagining it going down with sock puppets).

Anyways I think you should go check out Whiplash Smile. She's a fellow northern Mid-Westerner (Who put me on her Hot Blogs list with Bonanza, which I gotta say, makes me feel honored), she's got cats, and it very creative. Plus, her blog's real pretty.

Make me proud readers, cos I so do not want to have to threaten you all with my Patti Hearst photo.

Also: How in the hell do I get ANYONE to let me rent their blog. NO ONE will let me rent their blog. I haven't been able to rent a blog for over 2 weeks. WTF people? Is it the cooties???

Random Post

2006-03-09T12:27:00.000-06:00

This is hands down the cutest photo ever taken. Honest to god, does it get any cuter than this?
BTW: If my cat had a monkey friend, it might be enough to wear him out to the point of sleeping through the night.

I really have nothing productive or even conclusive to blog about. So instead I am going to blog at random. None of these thoughts are inner connected, they are just in my head. Some are lessons I think I should pass on to you, others are inventions I think need to be made, and the rest is just brain junk. Enjoy!

I think there should be ear plugs that drown out the noise of your cat banging on things and meowing at 3am, but which will still allow you to hear the alarm clock. Cos if my cat keeps this shit up I will be useless in about 2 days. Cos I can't sleep when he insists on being an asshole all night. I've tried everything to stop him: wearing him out, idle threats, not-so-idle threats, spraying him with water, feeding him so he gets sleepy when I do. Nope, nothing works. If anyone has a suggestion I'd be happy to hear it cos once again I am at a loss. I feel like a new parent with the baby that keeps you up all night, only this is no fruit of my loins. I'm also pretty convinced the upstairs neighbors (whom I have NEVER seen), probably think I'm a schizophrenic because I obviously live alone and they hear me yelling at 3am things like "Mister cut it out" "Mister shut the fuck up" "Mister I hate you" "Why Mister? Why won't you let me sleep??"

When going to the dentist for fillings it is wise to ask him beforehand what he plans on doing. Cos afterwards when 3/4 of your mouth is numb and you are starving you'll at least of had warning. I learned this lesson the hard way this week. The good news: 6 fillings: the bad news: ate a chunk out of my lip cos I didn't know it was there. It's sad when the good news involves novocaine and enamel.

Who in the hell takes a grocery cart to a photo studio?

Just when you think that you won't have enough money for groceries, sometimes your state tax refund shows up in your bank account. I needed to go grocery shopping today, but considering my last check involved paying my $600 in rent and other end of month bills I was left with under $100. Which is fine when you get paid weekly, I don't see another check until the 16th. It was a relief to know not only can I eat, but I can buy my Pepsi and cigarettes as well. Thank you state of Wisconsin for finally doing something right!

I don't understand why I cannot take a self-portrait with my digital camera like everyone else on earth. I also don't understand why I photograph horribly. I really wanted to take pictures of my Meredith Grey bangs to show every one who is not in my vicinity, and I just can't figure it out. Even if the photo is okay I look like absolute shit. I feel like I may need to spend quality time prepping myself for a 3 second photo. Everyone else looks cute on the fly in their self-portraits, why not me?

Stripper Shoes are optional

I told Michael I couldn't come to New York City because I was concerned my Hooded Sweatshirt lifestyle would be frowned upon. To which I was told, Hooded Sweatshirts are all the rage. Because I live in the middle of nowhere, I am so behind on anything that might be cool that I just assume that my 'style' is out. Although I keep seeing those damn gauchos everywhere and I think for my birthday I'm going to buy myself a pair cos I really really like them, and they are really comfortable. (BTW: I may be the only person on earth who finds herself growing to love the gauchos)

Everytime I go to list new stuff on eBay the fucking methods and set-up changes. My Auctions! Apparently they also changed the auction formats so you can find IT and look at IT and bid on IT. But now to 'watch' an item you have to be Sherlock Fucking Holmes just to find the link to 'watch' the item. Do they think this will inspire people to stop watching and start bidding, as if they would think 'damn I can't find the watch button, I'll just bid on it so I can keep track of it.' I gotta say this is some shit logic, cos instead of inspiring buying, the impossibility of finding the watch button (it's under the auction info now BTW) only made me want to try to find the item elsewhere! Fucking eBay.

It looks so harmless, BITCHES!

I'm a poor winner. I say this because last week for Wendi's birthday we went out for dinner with her husband and a friend and then came back to my place to play Scene It? After winning the first round by a land slide I stood up and made some comment about beating them. I think I also called them bitches. As an only child I am extremely competative. Playing Monopoly against yourself during your formative years will do this to you. You always win when you play yourself, so naturally then when you play in groups you expect to win. So when I win, I self-congratulate to a sick degree. When playing games with my old friends (there are some friends who would just assume not play games with me cos I get so mean) this sort of ass-head behavior was expected. I feel bad letting it loose on innocent new people. Although I did win again and was ahead in Trivial Pursuit when we gave up. Wendi's hubby did beat me once at Scene It? and had we played again I am sure he would have done so again.

Randomness done. If I had a new renter I'd pimp them here. You should be my new renter. Click on it and bid!

Useless

2006-03-02T10:33:00.000-06:00

I have a new tenant and I thought I'd try doing this whole renting thng up proper with a decent introduction, instead of my usual idol threats. Although beware! Duck Girl is still about with the bat of accountability just waiting to beat some sense into you!

My new renter this week is Useless Advise from Useless Men. This blog is hands down hilarious. It's like We 3 Bitches only with guys and the occasional useless gal. The questions seem to revolve around bodily functions, which as a girl who has spent quality time with a father who calls himself 'Mr Stinky' can attest to, is definately a topic close to many men's hearts.

The answers to the questions are funny and well thought out. I personally enjoyed the 'Why is there no stinky balls section of the Wal-mart' question (question 231) and answer. If you head back into their archives they cover everything from why one's husband's addiction to the game Chicken Invasion is healthy and normal, to how to train your cat to stay out of the Christmas tree, why the olympics are in Torino but they keep saying Turin, and how to deal with one's love of the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

If I were a guy I'm pretty sure I'd be apart of this crew. Seriously. I am in like with this site so much I might add it to my blogroll after they are done renting.

Example advise about a reader's love of the doughboy:
I suggest you begin by contacting Pillsbury. Don't take any heat in their claim that’s he’s a fictional character. That's just their cover. Like any parents, they can be over-protective.That adorable little baker was the result of a microwave accident years ago. His doughy body and infectious giggle are the result of radical overexposure to radiation from a bad seal in a microwave door. They’re not proud of it, so they try to cover it up.

Now go overthere and click on them, you know you want to. Send them a question, I bet the answer would be hilarious. Hopefully oneday the Bitches and these Guys can get together for a gigantic Q&A!!

Clicky Clicky, Now!!!

My Space Theft

2006-03-01T21:44:00.000-06:00

Cos I'm lazy I stole this off my My Space Blog. Yeah, I SUCK!

1. Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006? Khrysten's house, drinking champagne (said sham-pag-ney), playing DDR and being generally lame.

2. How did you get the idea for your profile name? Blame Buffy: In the Season 6 finale Willow goes totally evil after Warren kills Tara and turns all evilly good like this:

And Xander is all 'Hey Black Eyed Girl' as a silly pop culture refrence to Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison, any whoo that's irrelevent cos I really just took it cos it sounds really cool and I love Willow best when she's treading on the darker side of Sears.

3. What time were you born?5:58 AM

4. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Um, nothing at the moment although I was jammin out to both the Fruity Oaty Bars jingle and the Animaniacs theme earlier today. Also been listening too much to the KT Tunstall 'Black Horse Cherry Tree' song.

5. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? No, but telling a coworker of the untimely demise of Jonathon Brandis made her cry. Apparently she just loved the little fella in SeaQuest DSV and The Never Ending Story.

6. What color underwear are you wearing right now? Burgundy

7. Do you want a baby? Not until I can afford one, and preferably I'd like to not be a single parent.

8. What did you do this morning?Hit snooze 5 times, brushed teeth, smoked cigarette, got dressed, threw lunch on bag, watched the weather, schmoozed cat, went to work (all in under 15 minutes)

9. What does your dad do for a living? He is now retired, he used to own a restauarnt and tavern equipment sales and service company in SE Wisconsin, I worked there too until my evil corporate boss (aka dad) had to lay me off cos the company was going under.

10. What ended your last relationship? The last relationship both parties involved in would have considered a relationship probably ended because I stopped being a lousy drunk and wondered what the fuck I was doing with this guy. Also I just couldn't deal with someone who sort of feared me and whom I couldn't make get mad at me. The last 'thing' that ended, ended cos I asked him to not sleep around and he apparently thought I was attempting to steal his freedom or some shit about us being more important as friends.

11. Did you have a date for Valentine's day? The actual Valentine's date I had was when I was 16 and dating Ryan Timm. He is the only guy who has ever taken me out for Valentine's day.

12. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 22

13. What was the last concert you attended? The Last small band concert I attended was for Strangest Places, the last actual concert I was at was for Jordan Knight (don't even laugh, it was a joke thing). Really big concert? Depeche Mode

14. Who was with you? SP: Amanda, Neil and Gene. JKnight: The Harpy. Depeche Mode: I went to the concert by myself in Vegas cos the people I was with wanted to lose all their money the first night.

15. What was the last movie you watched? Soul Survivor: The Killer Cut and Serenity

16. Who do you dislike at the moment? I'd really rather not go into this on a stupid blog, let's just say my shit list is long and ever growing.

17. What food do you crave right now? Fondue always sounds really good, as does turkey patties with sour cream and dill sauce and noodles.

18.What did you dream last night? I don't sleep soundly enough to dream.

19. What was the last TV show you watched? Last night the last network show I watched was Supernatural, but I watched scrubs from 2 weeks ago on VHS (yes some people still use them) and Farscape season 1 on DVD.

20. What is your favorite piece of jewelry? My broken silver and mother-of-pearl ring, that I'm getting fixed tomorrow.

21. What was the last thing you ate? Ravioli with yummy yummy mushrooms and onions and garlic spaghetti sauce. I am a damn fine cook.

22. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Michael, but I gotta say Nick is definately second runner up.

23. Write a song lyric that's in your head? I'll be your private dancer, a dancer for money, I'll do what you want me to do (actually I won't, but me as Tina will).

24. Are you on any meds? Tricky question. I'm on allergy and asthma meds as well as brain meds, but I can't remember to take them. No I'm not schizophrenic I have anxiety, and a tendancy to not leave the house at all.

25. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Whichever side is nearest the door. Usually the left side, I think. But when all alone I sleep wherever the fuck I want!

26. What shirt are you wearing right now? Snow Bunny long sleeved heather grey t-shirt and light blue cable knit sweater-hoodie thing. I'm at work for christ's sake, it's not like I am expected to look fabulous.

27. What is your favorite frozen treat? Good question, I really have no clue as I don't eat a hell of a lot of that kind of stuff. I do recall having an obsession with Dairy Queen Ice Cream cake when my fillings didn't hurt when they got cold.

28. How many tattoos/piercings do you have? 2 tattoos, 8 piercings (ears and tongue).

29. What's your favorite store? Barnes and Nobel and Best Buy are my weakness as is the Target, there are no excursions to these stores that involve less than a $100 purchase.

30. Are you thirsty right now? Nope, I have a Pepsi on my desk right now!

31. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? Yes, but it would first involve dating which is something I suck at. For some reason boys don't like me.

32. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? Michael! I really need some quality Michael time, cos I can't even remember the last time we spent more than an hour together.

33. What did you do last night? Worked until 4:30, got home, washed dishes, talked to my mom, made dinner, cuddled the kitties, fell asleep, watched some American Idol, watched Supernatural, watched Scrubs on tape and Farscape special features. Then I went to bed. I am this lame.

34. Do you care what people think about you? Not really unless they hate me, and then I just think they need their head examined.

35. Have you ever done something to instigate trouble? Me? Never ::sarcasm is everyone's friend::

36. What song(s) do you think ex's listen to and think of you? No clue. Most of them are pretty happy, or incarcerated, so I doubt they think of me at all.

37. What song(s) do you listen to and think of ex's? I really don't.

38. What is one thing you wish you were better at? Getting off my ass. I really ened to up the motivation and slay the lazy dragon. I also wish I were better at finishing things I start. I tend to lose interest and forget to finish stupid little projects, like the Inara themed custom My Little Pony that has been sitting headless for over a year. I need to just paint her, and finish her tail and get her back together already.

39. What hurts you? When people don't tell me the truth or mislead me. I hate being mislead.

40. What do you think of the person who sent this? Hmmm.. Jeff is pretty cool. Plus he's as addicted to Firefly as I am, and addicts need each other right????

Mice into Men...

2006-02-28T11:14:00.000-06:00

Want to understand this video? Rent or buy Serenity immediately, and you'll get it. If not, this song will get stuck in your head all freakin' day and you will slowly be driven mad by it unless you see the movie. Fun new ways to try to convince my readers to see Serenity!

And remember to click on my renter! Please, last week we did so well and this week, not so much! You can do it!

See Me?

2006-02-24T16:01:00.000-06:00

Perceptions are fun and interesting, so if you are reading this you have a perception of me. If you actually know me, or only know me online go to the links below and let me see how others percieve me. It'll either be great for me or so damaging to my self esteem that I never leave the house again. I'm thinking the second is highly unlikely... Come on, do it for me!

The Good: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Blackeyedgrrl

The Not So Good: http://kevan.org/nohari?name=blackeyedgrrl

BTW: I don't expect this to be an exact science, cos some of you know me, and some of you only know the way I write, and only know me through my words. Please indulge me with this cos I think it's brilliant, and I am due for a little bit of a mind fuck. BTW, I found this on: When We Were Liars, Things Were Seamless Which is an awesome blog.

Another awesome blog? My TENANT!! Spilling the Beans wants you to come and help her pick up the beans, be a bean counter and help a sista out!

The Game of Life

2006-02-24T13:33:00.000-06:00

New renter! Spilling the Beans: GO SEE HER NOW! Ya'll did me proud last week, now lets keep up the good work!! Plus Spilling the Beans is a blog from across the pond which means she uses cute phrases like knickers and stuff. Much more interesting language than we get here. Please go check her out...

BTW: WTF?? Why will no one let me rent space on their blog? Do I have cooties??

If this cat were sitting with a Pepsi on a tapestry-ish looking couch this would be the cat equivalent of me.

I recently realized I haven't posted an actual personal blog post in quite some time. This may be because I am seriously lacking personality right now, or that I'm lazy. Instead I think it's cos I have no life and thus nothing real to report.

This belief was compounded yesterday when Khrysten composed a post about Space: Above and Beyond a new TV show she accidentally purchased at the urging of adorable little sci-fi boys from Best Buy. See it's like this, the show came out in 1995, we were 16, and when it came out, we had better things to do than get absorbed in a Fox sci-fi show, instead we had important things to do like harass the Denny's waitstaff and drink enough coffee to stunt our growth until we resembled Verne Troyer (mini me). Now, we are older, and thus lamer and far more boring, with acid reflux that prevents us from consuming large amounts of coffee, so we have time to get engrossed in TV and TV on DVD, cos we aren't hangin' at the Denny's 'til curfew on a Tuesday.

I love TV, this love has been espoused on this blog like Shakespeare wrote sonnets about hotties. But after thinking about it, she's right. I remember being too busy to watch Buffy on a Tuesday night, and thus never really watched a full season, save for an episode or two here and there until Buffy's final season. Thinking back the only shows I was really invested in back in the day were Roswell, Dark Angel, Rosanne and ER. Even so I'd tape episodes of Roswell and Dark Angel when I was at riding lessons, or out being a mischevious high schooler, or at work. So it's not like I was a ratings boon.

Now Amanda makes jokes that she's afraid to call me during the week in fear that she's interrupting one of my programs, which makes me feel like a grandma.

It all boils down to having a life, and I do not. Here is a typical day for me:

6:45 am Wake up, no, wait, hit the snooze button too many times until I realize I might have 5 minutes to get my shit together and get to work.
7:25 Panic and rush around house trying to gather shit for work and try to pick out clothes that will not make me look like a homeless.
7:37 Get out of apartment
7:40 Finally get dysfunctional door locked
7:47-ish arrive at work and hope no one notices I am 2 minutes late, then realize it doesn't matter cos I will just make up that lost time before lunch.
9:00-ish Smoke
11:47 Go to Lunch to read month old People magazines
2:00-ish Smoke
4:00 Give up on all work related work and waste time until 4:30
4:29 Walk up front and mark self and co-workers out for the day
4:35 Arrive at home, cuddle cats, possibly pass out from boredom
4:40-ish Call mom or Khrysten, regale boring-assed day stories
5:00-ish make something to eat and wash dishes while it cooks, multi-tasking is fun
5:30 think about cleaning cat boxes, decide against it
6:00 begin couch lounging, read mail, talk on phone, make list of things to do
7:00-10:00 watch TV, while knitting, crocheting or cross stitching
10:00-12:00 watch TV on DVD, while working on the textile arts
12:00 attempt to go to bed
12:30 possibly actually fall alseep

Some days I go shopping before I get home, those are what I consider my 'work-out' days cos pushing a cart through the store is hard work. Seriously, this is my life. On Saturdays I clean, on Sunday sometimes I do too, and sometimes I just do this strange shuffling of crap that makes me think I am cleaning when in all reality I am just shuffling crap around.
Mind you I am constantly coming up with ideas of things, and thinking about things, and going 'yeah I should totally take ballroom dancing lessons' (often mused upon while watching Drew Lachey perfom the Jive), or 'Wow, Lily totally failed to wash her hands after using the facilities' (while watching How I Met Your Mother). Okay I'll admit I was just looking for an excuse to sneak a pic of Drew in here.

And yeah, now I've lost my train of thought, because I suck. See I'm even too lazy to finish my thoughts!

Go check out my Renter, she is far more interesting than I am right now!!

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

2006-02-20T09:26:00.000-06:00

If you can't say something nice, then please expect me to broadcast it to all of my readers. This is a rebuttle post to hate-mail like comments I got over the weekend. Now my faithful readers, I have to say 99% of the comments left on this blog fill me with joy, but there's always that 1% that makes me want to spit venom. Granted most of those come from people who post anonymously, or who have faux accounts, which pisses me off cos then I can't fight back.

Now, instead of just fighting back on their blogs, I'm gonna post my rebuttles on here, for all to see. Mostly cos I haven't little better to say, and I'm still trying to come up with something really juicy to post about.

MrGnash: 'The plural of apocalypse?' - you'd think someone that made a reference to that line by way of their blog title would have actually seen Buffy, and therefore also know that 'that bitch' can indeed 'act her way out of a paper bag.' Opionated, hateful and ignorant; what a winning combination. -Posted on 'When a Stranger Calls...'

My comment left on his blog (probably deleted by him before posting it with his shrine to Sarah Michelle Gellar): This may come as a surprise to you but I am a hard-core Buffy fan. I've even been to conventions and written fan fic and everything. My love of the Buffyverse and all things related to it has little to do with Sarah Michelle Gellar (SMG). I am looking forward to her career, hoping that somehow she can impress me (not that that should be any sort of goal for her or anything). My arguement is simple, SMG, constantly plays the same character (or just a slight off of it) over and over, which makes her 'talents' appear to be lacking, she may very well be the next Sally Field (jumping from TV teen star to Oscar caliber actress), but I haven't seen any signs of this as of yet. I have been well aware of SMG since she was on Swan's Crossing a teen-soap in the US. And my favorite movie of hers is Cruel Intentions. I am not ignorant or hateful, I was being funny, it's called humor you should look into it. Opinionated, I'll take. But before you go accusing me of anything you really should have the sense to take a step back and look through the rest of the blog. If you had you'd see I have a dark sense of humor and a deep love of all things Joss. Didn't Buffy teach you anything? Cos if I were judging based on your blog, I'd think you were an obsessed fan who needs to get out more and meet real life girls. Instead I think maybe you just like to look at her, maybe she helps you make it through the day, makes life a little more tolerable cos let's face it, life sucks. Flaming someone out on their own blog is really just not very nice. Remember, if you can't say anything nice then shut the fuck up.

Also I have references for both my Buffy the Vampire Slayer obsession (just ask Kinky Poe or Ivory Valentine, although I blame Kinky Poe for all of it), and that Sarah Michelle Gellar really could use some better roles.

To further back up my point that Sarah Michelle Gellar can’t act her way out of a paper bag I offer up the following roles:

The Grudge (Khrysten and I have declared this one of the worst movies ever made): Karen Davis, American nurse working in Japan, ends up in a cursed home with the curse ‘after her’ Karen has to find a way to stop the curse and survive! In other words: Look, it’s Buffy without special superhero powers!

Scooby Doo 1 & 2: Daphne, Yes DAPHNE from Scooby Doo, there’s an award winning role. That is if the award you are after is from NICKELODEON! Puhlease.

Harvard Man: Cindy Bandolini: Holy Cross Cheerleader who dated Harvard point guard gets her boyfriend mixed up in sports betting. Oh yeah, her dad is a mobster! I gotta admit I’ve never seen this movie cos I’ve only ever seen it in the $5.50 bin at Wal-Mart, and while I will buy pretty much anything out of this bin, I just can’t bring myself to buy this.
Cruel Intentions: Kathryn Merteuil, Remember how evil and mischievous Glenn Close was in Dangerous Liaisons? Don’t expect it here. Gellar plays a modern version of Close’s character, and does a damn fine job of it. This is my favorite SMG role, but I gotta say the only reason she mastered this one, in it’s queen bee bitch best, was being Erika Kane’s daughter on All My Children. Favorite line: “You can put it anywhere”

Simply Irresistible: Amanda Shelton, Another $5.50 bin movie. Amanda is a chef driving her restaurant into the ground until a magical blue crab makes her the witchiest cook ever. Her food really is magic! Hmm a theme? Magic??

Scream 2: Cici Cooper, Hmm get a body bag, this one’s gonna be messy! Look she’s a horror movie ‘scared girl in dark alley’ wait, wasn’t one of Joss Whedon’s main purposes to Buffy to have the girl in peril in the dark alley, who suddenly turns around and kicks her pursuers ass? In other words: Cici is cannon fodder, like Buffy was without the super powers.

I Know What You Did Last Summer: Helen Shivers, Hmm pretty beauty queen, dumb as box of hammers, girl in peril, wait! It’s BUFFY WITHOUT SUPER POWERS!!!

Besides Cruel Intentions, I love SMG on Saturday Night Live. She’s got great comedic ability, and should probably try to develop it. Otherwise, I’m just not seeing a lot of development as an actor. I’m seeing a lot of brilliant financial moves (except Simply Irr. Which was a GIGANTIC box office flop), but not a lot of substance. She’s got like 8 projects wrapped through pre-production. In one of the roles she’s a porn star, which I gotta admit, I might have to go see in theaters. There might be hope for her after all.

For more info on why this blog is called Plural of Apocalypse read this post: Apocalypse Why

Finally, I do LIKE SMG, I just don't think there's an Oscar in her future. Then again had you asked me the same thing about Charlize Theron I probably would have laughed at you 5 years ago. Out of the Buffy posse, if you asked me, the most likely to end up with an Oscar, besides Anthony Stewart Head, is probably Eliza Dushku. Anyone who saw her in That Night, True Lies or This Boy's Life, knows that this girl has talent, she just needs to find better roles (Tru Calling was not a test of her acting abilities, it was a test of how far she could run without a bra in a tank top).

Rant over. Wanna meet someone nice? Go click on my renter. Their time here is almost done, and I'm already getting seperation anxiety!

Owner of a Broken Heart

2006-02-13T21:42:00.000-06:00

Oi! I suck at landlording. So I am ammending this post to announce the new Tenant of the Week (sound trumpets now)! This week's blog is Northern Bound. Now, I have been admiring this blog for some time. It's pretty, really pretty. It's well organized, and has Chibi-like thingies all over it. My only issue: I have no freaking clue what the blog is about 99% of the time. I think this is intentional though. She has Beginner's D&D Class (no nothing sexual, the game dumbass, Dungeons and Dragons), which is one of those things I have a love/hate of. I am inwardly replused by the idea of D&D, but I am also somewhat jealous that I am not involved. It's like a geek-meeting, and apparently I'm just not geeky enough to get invited. That's my issue, not hers. I assume she is female cos I can't actually find a screen name. Aren't you intrigued now? Isn't this just all mysterious??? Yeah it is, go check her out. My poor renters have been getting screwed lately. Ya'll used to always click on them, and now not so much, this makes me sad, are we breaking up???????

Image used without permission from Boils and Blinding Toment

Songs to survive a break up to… Inspired by Michael’s Breaking Up is As Easy as 123. This isn't just a list to cry to. It's a list to stalk to, to pine with, it's a list for anyone who's desperately wanting. It's 100 or so odd songs. Ranges from the 30's through to today, just to prove how fucked up and diverse my musical tastes are. Some have album titles, others don't. It's called google if you need to know that badly.

Why now? For those of us in the single boat, well we need something to make us remember why we keep trying. It's the pain stupid. Plus it's Valentine's Day, and well, it's a good time to remember love's lost, love's squashed, and love's run away from like a screaming child runs from a clown at a birthday party. Enjoy!

Lie To Me – Depeche Mode: Some Great Reward
Something I Can Never Have – Nine Inch Nails: Pretty Hate Machine
Wonderful – Adam Ant: Wonderful
Glynis – Smashing Pumpkins: No Alternative
Tear in Your Hand – Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes
Lucky 4 You – Shedaisy
Good Bye to You – Michelle Branch: The Spirit Room
Idiot Boyfriend – Jimmy Fallon
The Trouble With Love is – Kelly Clarkson: Thankful
She Cries Your Name – Beth Orton: The Female Touch
Wish You Were Here - Incubus
Desperately Wanting – Better Than Ezra
Hit ‘em Up Style – Blu Cantrell
Letter to Elise - The Cure
Total Eclipse of the Heart – Bonnie Tyler
Out of This World – Bush
Laid - James
Wicked Game – Chris Isaak
Under the Milky Way Tonight – The Church
Bizarre Love Triangle - Frente
Trouble – Coldplay: Parachutes
Better Be Home Soon – Crowded House: Recurring Dream
Pictures of You – The Cure: Staring at the Sea
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Time After Time – Cyndi Lauper
Somebody – Depeche Mode: Some Great Reward
This Love - Maroon 5
Come Undone – Duran Duran: Greatest
Every Time We Say Good Bye – Ella Fitzgerald
Favorite T - The Lemonheads
I Want Love – Elton John: Songs From the West Coast
Never is a Promise – Fiona Apple: Tidal
Gone Daddy Gone - The Violent Femmes
Do You Realize? – The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Where Are You Now? – Goran Kralj
Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake
Why Can’t I? – Liz Phair: Liz Phair
The Bottom Line – Depeche Mode: Ultra
Ball & Chain - They Might be Giants
Torn – Natalie Imbruglia
Said Sadly – James Iha & Nina Gordon: Smashing Pumkins: The Aeroplane Flies High
Simple Kind of Life – No Doubt: Return of Saturn
One Way or Another - Blondie
The Ghost in You – Psychedelic Furs: All of This and Nothing
Us – Regina Spektor: Soviet Kitsch
Every Breath You Take - The Police
Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley
Angels – Robbie Williams: The Ego Has Landed
True - Spandau Ballet
Rest in Pieces – Saliva: Back Into Your System
Miss You Love – Silverchair: Neon Ballroom
Cell Block Tango - Chicago Musical Soundtrack
Let Me In – Save Ferris
You’re All I’ve Got Tonight – Smashing Pumpkins
Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley: Grace
Interstate Love Song – Stone Temple Pilots
When You Come Back to Me – World Party: Reality Bites Soundtrack
All I Want is You - U2
Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve Pipe: Cruel Intentions Soundtrack
#1 Crush – Garbage: Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack
Putting the Damage On – Tori Amos: Boys for Pele
Locked Out - Crowded House
Little Heaven – Toad the Wet Sprocket: In Light Syrup
Baker, Baker – Tori Amos: Under the Pink
Lover, You Should Have Come Over - Jeff Buckley: Grace
Careless Whispers – Wham!
Love is Stronger Than Death – The The
Your Favorite Thing – Sugar
Across the Night – Silverchair: Diorama
The Chemicals Between Us – Bush
Dilate – Ani Difranco: Dilate
You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore – Neil Diamond: Essential
Slept So Long – Jay Gordon: Queen of the Damned Soundtrack
Not Enough Time - INXS: Shine Like it Does
After the Love Has Gone – Earth Wind and Fire: Greatest Hits
Pure – The Lightning Seeds: CloudCuckooland
Baby Bitch – Ween: Chocolate and Cheese
Hurt – Nine Inch Nails: The Downward Spiral
Hurt – Johnny Cash version
Tuna in the Brine – Silverchair: Diorama
32 Flavors – Ani Difranco: Not a Pretty Girl
Because of You – Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
Near You Always – Jewel: Pieces of You
The Things You Said – Depeche Mode: Music for the Masses
Fade Into You – Mazzy Star: So Tonight That I Might See
Don’t – Jewel: Pieces of You
2 am – Ana Nalick: Wreck of the Day
Your House – Jimmy Eat World: Bleed American
Where is Your Heart – Kelly Clarkson: Breakaway
A Night Like This – The Cure: Staring at the Sea
Stuck in a Moment – U2
Never Tear Us Apart – INXS
By My Side – INXS
Are You Happy Now? – Michelle Branch: Hotel Paper
Fall Down – Toad the Wet Sprocket: Dulcinea
Something So Strong – Crowded House: Reality Bites Soundtrack
White Flag – Dido
So Much For My Happy Ending – Avril Lavine
Listen To Your Heart – DHT Piano version
You’re Beautiful – James Blunt
If You Leave – OMD
Collide – Howie Day
The Promise – When in Rome
China – Tori Amos
In a Big Country – Big Country
The Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails
My Immortal – Evanescence
If I Fall – Tara MaClean
Wild Horses – The Sundays
Sweet Jane – Jesus and Mary Chain: Natural Born Killers Soundtrack
Shit List – L7: Natural Born Killers Soundtrack
One – U2: Actung Baby
To You I Bestow – Mundy
The Drowning Man – The Cure: Faith
But Not Tonight – Depeche Mode: Black Celebration
It Doesn’t Matter – Depeche Mode: Some Great Reward
Trip on Love – Abra Moore
Stay (I Missed You) – Lisa Loeb
The More You Ignore Me (The Closer I Get) – Morrissey
Secretly - Skunk Anansie
Insensitive - Jann Arden
Color Blind - Counting Crows
Uninvitied - Alanis Morrisette

**Songs in Pink are newer additions

Did I forget something? Let me know in comments (that means you too lurkers!)

Where Do You Get Your Drugs?

2006-02-08T16:02:00.000-06:00

Is it wrong that this makes me giggle with anti-ci-pation??

You are Colombia. You rock in that special way only the squeaky can.

Which Rocky Horror character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Remember kids:
Well I was walking down the street
Just a having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again

When a Stranger Calls...

2006-02-07T10:30:00.000-06:00

HANG THE FUCK UP!!!! Don't go see this movie, please, it sucks!! Save Yourself!!

This movie is based on Suburban Legend. The legend goes something like this: A girl is babysitting for an unfamiliar family when she starts getting phone calls. They seem like prank phone calls, with heavy breathing. Eventually they move onto harassment. Girl calls police who offer to trace the call back to the harasser. Dude calls again. As soon as she hangs up, the cops call 'The call is coming from inside the house!' This is where the stories vary: In some she goes to gather the children and they are already dead, in others she gets the children out of the house and fights off the bad man just before the cops show up to arrest him. It turns out he's a serial killer wanted in many states for doing exactly what he tried to do here. Yeah, see you've heard this story before!

It's not a bad story per se. It's just an overdone story. I mean, hell this movie was a remake. There was also a series of young adult fiction books written by R.L Stine (of Fear Street Series and Goosebumps fame) called appropriately The Babysitter I-IV (cos they just couldn't kill that Jenny!!). Everytime a story like this is redone it loses some of it's sparkle and intrigue. It gets a little lamer everytime.

Issues with When a Stranger Calls:

#1: Names: The actress in the main role is named Camilla Belle, which sounds more like a porn star name than the name of a young actress in Hollywood (BTW: She is the only actress I think might earn an Oscar AFTER Sarah Michelle Gellar, and that bitch can't act her way out of a paper bag). Her character? Jill Johnson. HELLO, could we get any duller? I know this is supposed to be generic babysitter girl, but damn that's a plain name.

#2: It's rated PG-13, this means no swearing, no blood, no actual death on screen, just implied death. The director went for the old school Hitchockian suspense: not showing the evil man, house is always dark, phone rings when it's dead silent. But in this film they all come off as amatuerish and cheesy.

#3 The people she is babysitting to don't even actually show her the children before they leave. She never sees the kids until the movie is over half over.

#4 The same shit, different movie. Oh no! The garage has been unlocked since she got there! They have a black cat!! Oh No! She locked the door in a place the children can't reach which means they will die!! Oh No! The evil man is chasing her, logic would say, GO UPSTAIRS WHERE THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!! Oh! What's that noise? Oh! Getme my fire poker so I can check on the noise in the kitchen that just happens to be the cat! Come On! This shit is so old I think ancient hominids drew it on cave walls.

#5 Only satisfying moment: Cat finally gets to eat a bird from the aviary. The whole movie this poor cat is watching these birds in the aviary, little yellow canary-ish birds. All the whole movie you know he wants to eat them. Finally Jester gets his chance, and oh it's so good.

#6 Things to suspend belief over: This family is really wealthy, 2 doctors with a house covered in creepy art with state of the art lighting, an aviary, ect... Why do the children share a fucking bedroom? Why do they still own a corded phone? Why do they only own one car?

So my advise is as follows: In a year this movie will be on USA Network, nearly every weekend, probably being shown back to back with I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legend. Watch it then, cos there is nothing for them to cut out of it. It's not worth the $9 to see it in a theater and god knows I wouldn't buy it if it were the only DVD ever offered for sale again.

You want to see a good young adult thriller-ish kid of movie, a movie that'll mind-fuck you a little? Check out Soul Survivors: The Killer Cut. This movie is creepy as hell, and has Eliza Dushku and her breasts (which is what people really like about her right?). Plus Wes Bentley from American Beauty and the Bennifer's little bro Casey. Also Bonus: it is easy to find in Wal-Mart $5.50 DVD bins everywhere.

New Renter!!!

Generally I try to pick renters I like. Last week's pick didn't get nearly the hits that my renters usually do. I have no reason why. I blame all of you readers for letting me down. (or possibly my shitty landlording skillz).

This week's renter deserves better than last week's Mobbit! It's KizzyKim and 'Today in the Life.' She's just a babe of 20, but is a theater major (you know what that means, DRAMA!), and is funny and smart; even for one of those theater kids (wait I was one of those kids who hung with the theater kids in High School.. I wonder if she likes Morrissey...) Anywhoo, go check her out. She was a part of Hanson-mania, and you can all get behind that right??? Also one of her 'Ways to Win My Heart' was 'Be not a douchebag.' I agree KizzyKim, I agree...

Why didn't they ever get a Milk Moustache commercial for A Clockwork Orange??

I bet it'd have been real horrorshow, what with the Moloko and all...

So please go click on her blog over there in the renters box. If you don't I might sit you down in a chair ala 'A Clockwork Orange' and make you watch 'When a Stranger Calls...'

Proud??

2006-02-06T09:31:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if I should be proud of this, but I will say that I am cos I got all 10 right. I'm all about the A+ so go me!

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Sexual Tag-a-Rama!

2006-02-03T15:30:00.000-06:00

Look! It's a Volcano and a Llama! Hello Llama friend (maybe Tina's friend in Chile!!)

Trust me, by the end of this post this photo will have relevance.

Lysie tagged me a while ago, I've been putting this off cos, well I dunno, I don't know 8 people??

The rules: The tagged victim lists 8 different points of their perfect lover/partner, mentioning the sex of said partner. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on a post letting them know they’ve been tagged. If tagged before, no need to contribute.

1. Is intelligent, possibly border line genius -MAN
2. Is not a right-wing hate-monger freak type (no offense to right-wing hate mongers)
3. Is not a push over, will not let himself be castrated by a woman, and won't let me boss him around 50% of the time
4. Is hi-larious, makes me laugh until I can barely think
5. Can play, in other words can keep up with my insanity, or at least fake it well enough. Bonus points if he can play along.
6. Likes/loves sci-fi, or will indulge my love of Sci-fi, going even so far as to wait until Stargate SG1 is over on a Friday night to go out. Yeah, I'm this lame
7. Must like cats and horses, dogs are optional
8. Is creative, either writes, makes music or art or something, hell even if it's just thinking creatively and blabbing about crazy things, cos I'd also like him to have a job and not just be tortured artist guy.

Tagged (and I feel really bad about it):
Pie
Michael
Khrysten
Chaotic-Nipple
Zube Girl
Zazzafooky
Static
Lysie Cos she doesn't have to do anything!

I just realized that apparently Sex doesn't matter to me cos it didn't even blip on my radar until after I tagged everyone. Huh.

#9: in the words of Liz Phair: Fucks like a Volcano (not the movie Volcano though).

Have you Checked on Blog Are For Wimps Yet??? Get your ass over there and click bitches, click!! (No offense to bitches, I was just having a Dazed and Confused Parker Posey Bitches moment). Go, click on my renter!!!

BTW: FYI If I were a superheroine (not heroin) I would be Buffy, Rawk Out Bitches!

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

TV Wha?

2006-02-01T09:50:00.000-06:00

First of all, I am a horrible landlord. Seriously this place is turning into a slum, I should change my named to slumlord (not lord of the dance). Please go visit Blogs Are for Wimps, they are right there at the left, waiting eagerly for you to click them. Bloga Are For Wimps is run by a plethora of interesting and funny bloggers. Anyone with the name FrodoCorleone kinda should be taken notice of (is he a hobbit, is he a mobster, is he a hobbit in a mob?). Anywhoo, go check them out, or my little angel up there will riddle you with holes, and she won't feel bad about it, no she won't.

I've been trying to think of things to write this blog about. But I have settled on a topic finally. Enjoy!

Topic: Shit I Just Don't Get, Or Shit That Makes No Sense, TV Edition

1. Shit about LOST:
1a: On Lost by now don't you think someone/all would be covered head to toe in mosquito bites? I mean that island must be crawling with hungry blood suckers.
1b:Also it's a tropical island, those little fuckers probably have malaria, why does no one have malaria? There can't be that much Gin left!
1c: Why does no one have ghiardia or diptheria or cholera or e.coli from drinking unfiltered island water? I am sure the polar bears and other shit on the island drinks from that water too, and I bet they shit by it. Someone should have stomach illness and/or die from it by now. If Ma on Oregon Trail could die from it, so can Claire (not that I want Claire dead, maybe Ana Lucia)
1d: How did Sawyer's shoulder heal that fast? Since the season started they have covered like maybe 5-7 days. No one's gun shot wound heals that fast!! Is Jack a miracle worker?
1e: All they eat is fruit and whatever sea shit Jin catches. Why does everyone not have a raging case of diarrhea? Seriously, eat nothing but fruit and leaves with a smattering of fish and maybe some pork thrown in and you will seriously need to make a pit-stop every 10 minutes.
1e1: Where are they going to the bathroom???? Did they dig a hole???? (then again I have this issue with every show cos they never show anyone actually going to the bathroom, on some shows you never even saw the bathroom in the house! exceptions: Buffy and Roseanne).

2. Murder She Wrote Issue: Why did no one ever notice that murder followed Angela Landsbury like a hungry puppy follows a child with cheerios? Seriously! Didn't she ever find it strange? I mean after a while I wouldn't leave the house if everytime I went somewhere people died (note it wasn't like random people died, they were usually tied to her some how, so the 'but people die every day every where excuse' doesn't work!). I mean Cabot Cove wasn't a hot bed of gang activity or anything right?

3. Firefly Issues (Yes I have a few):
3a:In the Firefly episode 'Out of Gas' all of the life-support systems are down because the engine doesn't turn. So why do they have gravity? Wouldn't there have to be some sort of gravity generator to maintain the gravity? Without the engine or the back-up generator they'd be floating around all Jubal Early like.
3b: Why doesn't the crew of Serenity look a lot dirtier? I mean, we've seen Inara take a sponge bath, but even so, I can't figure out where the showers and/or bathtubs might be. So from what I can tell the crew of Serenity must be awfully rank. Maybe in the future they can get their stink removed?? Maybe they have magic body cleaning fairies?

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel:
4a: In Season 2 they figure out the Romany spell to put the soul back into Angelus and return him to his Angel self. The Orb of Thessula used to do so is apparently so common a magic item that the clerk remarks that she sells them as paper weights. Willow could successfully complete the spell. SO why did they never soul Spike or Drusilla or Dracula or any of the other vampire nemeses? I mean it was a generic spell and wouldn't it be easier to just soul them and ruin their unlives than fight them to the death?
4b: What the hell was wrong with the residents of Sunnydale? Had they never seen a horror movie or read Bram Stoker's Dracula? I mean HELLO! People are always dying of neck trauma, how long can a community really believe that they have a PCP taking gang problem??
4c: We watched 2 Magic Shop owners get whacked on Buffy. Then Giles thinks its a brilliant idea to buy and reopen the Magic Box. Why did the evil undead never specifically target him for death? I mean there was a precedent set that Magic Store owners have short life spans, why was Giles an exception??
4d. On Angel Lorne has his karaoke club protected by a demon non-violence spell, SO why did they never use this spell anywhere else?? I mean Buffy could have used that one in her house or at the high school or the Magic Box. Angel could have used it when he took over Wolfram and Hart or the hotel or many other places. Considering the Muses who were crushing on Angel were the ones who had to place the spell I think Angel could have gotten them to bless anything he wanted. So why didn't they??
4e: Why did they never share information or technology or any thing between Sunnydale and LA? I knwo the shows were on different networks for a while, but shit, this just seems stupid, like they can't pick up the phone??
4f: In Season 4 of Angel The Beast blocks out the sun and causes a hellfire rain. Why didn't the sun go out in Sunnydale? Why were there no torrential hellfire warnings over the god damned HELLMOUTH?? I'm thinking darkness and hellfire wouldn't be an exclusive LA thing, but then again I have heard it called Hell-A.

Got a TV Issue? I know you do cos I am sure I have about 50 more I just can't remember them. Post 'em in comments, I might ammend this if I come up with more!

Don't forget to check out Blogs are for Wimps!!

It's a Miracle!

2006-01-25T16:37:00.000-06:00

Here in the dark recesses of the Radisson Inn in North Milwaukee I am able to access shitty free computer access to add this wonderful (if not sorta lame) tid-bit to my Blog. This is stolen from Lysie, who TAGGED m (I promise to do it as soon as I get home), and after seeing that Europe was the only continent without BlackEyedGurl, I had to post this.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about BlackEyedGurl!

If a snake is born with two heads, the heads will fight over who gets BlackEyedGurl.
BlackEyedGurl became extinct in England in 1486.
Without BlackEyedGurl, we would have to pollinate apple trees by hand!
Europe is the only continent that lacks BlackEyedGurl.
The moon is 400 times closer to the Earth than BlackEyedGurl, and 400 times smaller.
BlackEyedGurl can't sweat.
White chocolate isn't technically chocolate, because it doesn't contain BlackEyedGurl.
Snow White's coffin was made of BlackEyedGurl.
The first BlackEyedGurl was made in 1853, and had no pedals.
BlackEyedGurl was named after BlackEyedGurl the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'It's a Wonderful Life'.

Oh, But I'm not done yet. I did my real name too cos I am hella bored here in the hotel and I am eagerly awaiting time for dinner.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Adrianna!

Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by Adrianna fighting underground.
The only Englishman to become Adrianna was Nicholas Breakspear, who was Adrianna from 1154 to 1159.
It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at Adrianna.
Only twelve people have ever set foot on Adrianna.
Humans share about fifty percent of their DNA with Adrianna!
Adrianna, from the movie of the same name, had green blood.
During severe windstorms, Adrianna may sway several feet to either side!
Adrianna has four noses.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find Adrianna!
Birds do not sleep in Adrianna, though they may rest in her from time to time.

This whole thing makes me feel like Chuck Norris. #4 is creepily true, in more ways than one ;)

Have you checked on my Renter lately?? You really should do that, Fyre Goddess RULES! Click on her pretty window (and not her link) so she can see just how many of you are out there!!! Let me stand next to her Fyre!

Also BIG THANKS go out to Pie for letting me rent her blog, even though this is probably the most boring week ever here at Plural of Apocalypse. Although I think there were a few even more boring weeks when I was all depressed and crying often and listening to too much Tori Amos (in December Archives, I can't find a way to create the link, sorry I suck, the post was called These Precious Things, but it's kinda lame now that I think about it). So If you are here, visiting from my Pie's site, check out my 100 things about me, or poar through the archives. I swear I have occasionally been more entertaining than I am this week!!

I will return to the great white north on Saturday and get back to what I do best, slacking over this blog and barely doing my actual job... Lates!

Post 69 Now With More Tatum!

2006-01-21T21:30:00.000-06:00

Not to be confused with Psalm 69, or the 69th parallel or the sexual position. This is my 69th post. I thought I should commemerate it but spelling commemerate it wrong.

I wanted to write up a post before I flee the land where I have computer access to go to training in Milwaukee. No this is not obedience training (although it should be). This is some crap training I have to do for my job. Mostly it's an excuse for me to be in Milwaukee for a week, overschedule myself with people I rarely see and then come home with pneumonia from wearing myself thin. Yay fun!

I wanted to make this post a story about adventures with Duck Girl and the Bat of Accountability, but I think I might need to spend some quality time with Miss Maddie before attempting this. Instead I will talk about Tatum O'Neal.

First I am going to Pimp Fyre again so you make her credits worth it cos I feel guilty that I won't be posting my pants off next week. I am an irresponsible landlord who should be hit with the bat of accountability.

Secondly looky at my sidebar there are new places and faces there. Not only has Fyre made it to the side bar thanks to the infamous Movie Whore post, but I also found a new blog I am infatuated with called Infinitely Pie. Go check them out (but Fyre through the renter box). Pie cracked me up and I am begging for her to let me rent her blog as I type. Alien Loves Predator and 30 Second Theater with Bunnies also have been added. I have also put my blog on Blogs in Space, cos I figured if anyone will get me, it's probably the aliens. If you are an alien and reading this, don't come to earth, we'll only fuck you up and steal your culture and take your planet from you when we find a way to get there. So stay away, let us self destruct on our own. Thanks.

Now More Tatum: So I am hopelessly addicted to Dancing with the Stars even though they killed my Tatum O'Neal during the second week. I love Tatum and I will take no Tatum flack. When I was little I wanted to be Tatum after seeing Little Darlings. Ferris ruled!! She is way better than Master P who should be promptly removed and replaced with Tatum O'Neal. I want her to get her career back. People hire her! She's the bomb!!! I mean Robert Downey Jr. is a walking pharmacopia and people still hire him, Tatum's all cleaned up people should give her a shot! I think she needs a young tasty man-morsel to get her back in the good graces of Hollywood ala Demi Moore, so if you are a young actor go date Tatum! Her exhusband is John McEnroe but he won't beat on you, I promise! Tatum O'Neal you are the bomb! I adore you and your kickin' the drug habit ass! You are funny and even though you got all pouty and defensive after they ripped you to shreds on Dancing with the Stars (um who wouldn't?) I still love you. Tatum... (BTW: My love is not Lesbionic (is that a word), I love men, but I'd go totally gay for you Angelina Jolie or Shirley Manson).

Alas, I should go. I will try to blog on the run this week. Until then..

Tatum in Little Darlings! with Kristy McNicholl Who is also on the 'What the fuck happened to her' list.

New Tenant!!! & Boredom Busters

2006-01-20T13:58:00.000-06:00

Duck Girl Says: Go visit our new tenant: Fyre Goddess or I will beat in your brains with the bat of accountability and feed your innards to my ducklings.

Duck Girl is kind of a fuck-tard. But her advise is good. We have a new Tenant! Yes, it's the woman who brought me the Movie Whore game that all of us had to go and do, and which all of us will now use to gauge just how many movies we've seen. Now go make her credits worth-while, clicky clicky! I promise she doesn't disappoint!

Also when you are bored on the internet as I so often am I recommend visiting:
Alien LOVES Predator
AND
30 Second Bunny Theater

BTW: Duck Girl is available for children's parties, you should see her with a Pinata!

Me me, Meme

2006-01-20T11:31:00.000-06:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Adrianna
Birthday:	4/8/79
Birthplace:	Oconomowoc, WI
Current Location:	Wausau, WI
Eye Color:	Blue, sometimes grey, sometimes green
Hair Color:	Flavor of the Week
Height:	5'4"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	German
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Doc Martens Picasso Velvet
Your Weakness:	Mexican food, Vodka and Kelly Clarkson
Your Fears:	My cats eating my eyes as I lay dead on the floor
Your Perfect Pizza:	Pepperoni and Onion or mushroom and onion
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Move back to Milwaukee
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	ROFLMFAOAY
Thoughts First Waking Up:	must sleep more, or must find cigarettes
Your Best Physical Feature:	it's all good
Your Bedtime:	depends
Your Most Missed Memory:	Um how do I know it's a missed memory if it's gone?
Pepsi or Coke:	Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Subway
Single or Group Dates:	I don't 'date'
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	I don't drink cold tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Rocky Road
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee from Fuel or Kwik trip
Do you Smoke:	Every day
Do you Swear:	Fuck Yeah
Do you Sing:	Not in public
Do you Shower Daily:	No, waste of time and water
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Been There, Done That, Got the Tee Shirt
Do you want to get Married:	Depends on the Person I'm With
*Do you belive in yourself:*
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Only in the back of Khrysten's Izuzu VehiCross
Do you think you are Attractive:	If I didn't, I wouldn't own mirrors, I own mirrors
Are you a Health Freak:	Not really, but I dig Organics
Do you get along with your Parents:	Now? Yes. In the Past? Nope
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Nothing better
Do you play an Instrument:	No Comment, could have gone somewhere really foul with this one
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Depends on who's askin'
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Again, I don't 'date'
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No, Fear Raw Fish
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	It's winter dumbass! No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Not unless your heart counts...
Ever been Drunk:	Lots
Ever been called a Tease:	Probably
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes, only when I ask or if handcuffs are involved
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes
How do you want to Die:	Get killed by falling space trash, or sucked into a jet engine
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	A Firetruck
What country would you most like to Visit:	Already been to Egypt, so we'll say Czechoslovakia
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Green, Blue or Hazel
Favourite Hair Color:	Brown or Black
Short or Long Hair:	Doesn't matter as long as it's shorter than mine
Height:	5'10" +
Weight:	skinny/average
Best Clothing Style:	bitch beater and jeans
Number of Drugs I have taken:	all of them
Number of CDs I own:	all of them
Number of Piercings:	doesn't matter
Number of Tattoos:	at least 1, the more the merrier
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	zero
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

This Wasn't in the Brochure...

2006-01-19T10:19:00.000-06:00

People, are not snowflakes.

-Betty, Dead Like Me, Season One, "Reaping Havoc"

Remember when you were like 15 or 16 and you had these visions of your whole life ahead of you? This life was going to be exciting. You would go off to college (or not) and make tons of friends, and party all night and meet tons of boys/girls and it would be fabulous. You'd live in the dorms and then a crappy apartment with 5 other people and eventually after graduation you'd get your first place all alone, or just with one roommate. Maybe you'd move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend. You'd get this awesome job with excellent benefits and a terrific pay scale, and you'd be set to start working on the rest of your life, get married, have some kids, blah blah blah.

Things did not work out like this. Granted I'm not fantasizing about suburbia and my 2.5 children and my doctor husband and my meetings with the PTA. Quite the contrary, I didn't want to go to college, I wanted to go to beauty school (go ahead, sing beauty school drop out) and do hair for a living. I was told either go to college or get kicked out, so went to college, cos I didn't have to pay for it and as I was told "You are too damn smart to waste it doing hair" (courtesy of Rosemarie, my mother). So I went to college, but I commuted cos I worked 2 jobs and tutored on the side. Plus the first 2 years I was partying extracurricularly (ravin' 'til dawn!), and getting prepared for my first melt-down. Since high school I have been with 2 people who could be considered my 'boyfriend' one is now in prison, the other is dating someone 12 years younger than him (funny cos the prison one got nailed for screwing a 16 year old, apparently I'm just not young enough!). I went to college to learn, to study and to get an education. I didn't party, I didn't live on campus, I got good grades and graduated Cum Laude (aka cum loudly). I loved college, but not for the awesome friends I made (not.a.one) or the terrific guys I dated (again.not.a.one) but because I am smart and college was just this plethora of information.

Wait, stop the train. I forgot to mention that college was filled with people who could barely read, who I was shocked to learn didn't understand sentance structure or that the Macaw is a bird and not a monkey. I though college was for smart people! Mistake #1. College is for anyone who can pay, play sports and make a winning team, or for anyone who has been previously oppressed by 'the man' and now is getting retribution. It was not a place full of brilliant people (apparently I needed to go Ivy League for that), but a place full of barely mediocre people getting business or human kinetics or badmitton degrees.

I remember when I was in the 8th grade and USA Today had a special report about how kids born after 1978 were going to be the first generation of Americans to not have it better than our parents. What they meant was every generation before us had a cake walk to a better life, we were going to be screwed. I count this as Strike #1 against us.

So I got done with college, and was stuck with the same job I had throughout college. I saw kids I went to high school with who didn't go to college and went to technical schools or right into the job market who were making twice what I, a college graduate was making. I was jealous, but hey, shit happens. So I went back to school to make myself a more appealing job candidate. As an Anthropology major there isn't exactly a bustling job market just waiting to hire you. No one is gonna fight over the girl who can list off the top of her head every hominid species known to man so far in order and categorized by region found. This is just not a job skill.

So I went back to school and got a certificate. Then I couldn't find a job. Trust me when I say that Crime Scene Investigation, Forensic Scientist or Death Investigator jobs are not exactly everywhere. They are few and far between. Unless you live in the southwest where they have an unbelievable employee turn-over rate, and thus always have jobs available.

I have no other skills. I was a tutor, a cashier, and I ran my dad's companies office. I did a lot of work there and was damn good at it but when people see it on a resume or application all they see is 'worked for daddy, had it easy' which is not the truth but it's what people assume. Strike #2 Working for the Family Business.

It's not just work though, it's the rest of my life. I eventually got an okay job that I barely make $31,000 a year at (yes I protect you from violent sociopaths for under $20 an hour. Think this sucks? write your congressman, your govenor, you attorney general and bitch abotu it for the lot of us forensic scientists who get screwed out of all the money). But I'm in the middle of nowhere, completely sequestered from my friends and all the life I have ever known. So yeah, I have a job but I have nothing else. I can't even get my friends to visit me for fucks sake. So I have no social life, no outlet, and the only people I frequently hang out with are card carrying members of the AARP who offer me tips like 'always wear lipstick to the grocery store, you never know where Mr. Right might be.'

So I have a job, but no social life, no friends that are accessible and I couldn't pay a man to date me. I'm the girl you fuck, not the girl you date. I'm the girl you play video games with and drink with and chat it up with, but I am not vapid or insecure enough to actually date. 30 is knocking on my door and what do I have to show for my life:

1. A crappy government job that barely covers my bills

2. An apartment in the middle of nowhere

3. No friends in my own area code

4. Two cats for companionship

5. A subscription to TV Guide

6. No boyfriend, boy-toy, fuck buddy or whatever you want to call them

7. A mother who says things like, "It's okay I'll be dead before there are grandchildren, but no pressure or anything."

8. A car with too many miles on it for it's brief 4 years of road life

9. An addiction to talent based reality TV

10. A phone bill that is over $200 a month between my land line and cell phone cos I have to have long distance just to call my best friends

This wasn't in the brochure. The brochure made everything seem prettier and more successful and happier. One of my best friends can't find or keep a job, lives at home with mom and has begun addiction dieting cos it's the only thing she can actually control in her life. My other best friend has a husband she never sees, lives in the ghetto in a house that is too big for two people who never plan on having children, has a car that is always broken, and who has a bad case of insomnia and is running herself ragged to the point where she looks like Nicole Richie cos she has to keep doing something to keep herself from going insane. My other friends? Well 2 of them have escapist fantasies that involve abandoning their lives to sail to Spain (even though they haven't even gotten on anything bigger than a pee wee boat and have have under 1 year sailing experience), avoiding actual commitment, drinking until their livers fail and attempting to subvert the dominant paradigm. Others? Depends, some live at home, some are unemployed, most are single or stuck in passionless relationships, some are married (but rarely happily and I know of few couples who do not have infidelity in their marriage), some have kids that are not paid attention to and who are only really bothered with when they can get gifts out of it, others are functioning alcholics in dead end jobs, some still haven't realized they should be some semblance of a responsible adult, most are on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds cos we are all so screwed up in the head we can't cope. All these people are under 30!! What the fuck???

I blame a few things:

#1- TV: We all grew up watching these high schoolers grow up to be happy normal adults with fulfilling lives and enough money to go on vacation. Jen might have died on Dawson's Creek but everyone else seemed really happy and okay, one sacrifice isn't that bad right?Reality is not this good.

#2- Parents: They told us we could be anything we wanted to be, and we believed them. They should have given us restrictions like, well you can be it but you might not be happy, or you can be it but you might not be able to pay the bills.

#3- Society: For putting unnatural expectations on peopel who are just starting out. A $30,000 a year job is a great starting point, but half the people in my generation wouldn't even apply for a job that paid that. We expect too much too soon because we have too much pressure to get that, when we can't we feel like failures. Thanks society.

The grass always looks greener on the otherside, but does it have to an uphill climb to get there?

Why People Are Not Snowflakes? Because we're all fucked. We're all in the same boat. None of our problems are unique to us. We are not snowflakes, we are a fucking snowball hoping that instead of being thrown at the kid who eats boogers we end up a snowman.

Don't Forget to check out Scooter McGavin!! He's got a day left on his rental, so let's make it worth his while! Thanks for renting Scooter, you've been a great tenant!!!

Movie Whore!

2006-01-17T08:24:00.000-06:00

This is completely stolen from Fyre Goddess's Blog but I thought it was brilliant, and that I might be able to beat her score. Let's see...

Number the ones you’ve seen. Apparently you have no life if you scored over 70.

(1) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(2) Grease
(3) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) The Mexican
(4) Fight Club
(5) Starsky and Hutch
(6) Neverending Story
(7) Blazing Saddles
(8) Airplane
(9) The Princess Bride
(10) Young Frankenstein
(11) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(12 ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(13) Anger Management
(14 ) 50 First Dates
( ) Jason X
(15) Scream
(16) Scream 2
( 17) Scream 3
(18) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
(19) American Pie
(20) American Pie 2
(21) American Wedding
(22) Harry Potter
(23) Harry Potter 2
(24) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
(25 ) Resident Evil I
(26 ) Resident Evil 2
(27 ) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(28) The Village
(29) Donnie Darko
( ) Lilo & Stitch
( )Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(30 )13 Ghosts
(31) Signs
(32) The Grinch
(33 ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Original Not the Remake
(34 ) White Chicks
(35) Butterfly Effect
(36 ) Thirteen Going on 30
(37) I, Robot
(38 ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(39 ) Along Came Polly
(40) Deep Impact
(41 ) KingPin
(42) Never Been Kissed
(43 ) Meet The Parents
(44) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
(45 ) A Cinderella Story
(46) the Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(47) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(48 ) Final Destination
(49 ) Final Destination 2
(50) Halloween
(51) The Ring
( ) House of Wax
( )The Ring 2
(52) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(53)Practical magic
(54) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(55 ) From Hell
(56 ) Hellboy
(57 )Secret Window
( )I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
(58) The Day After Tomorrow
(59) Child’s Play
( ) Bride of Chucky
(60) Ten Things I Hate About You
(61 ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(62) Nightmare on Elm Street
(63) Sixteen Candles
( ) Coach Carter
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
(64) SeVen
(65 ) Oceans eleven
(66 ) Ocean’s Twelve
(67 ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(68) Independence Day
(69) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(70 ) Darkness Falls
(71) Christine
(72) ET
(73) Children of the Corn
(74 ) My Boss’ daughter
(75 ) Maid in manhattan
( ) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
(76 ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(77 ) She’s All That
( ) Calendar girls
( ) Sideways
(78) Mars Attacks
(79 ) Event Horizon
(80) Ever After
(81) Forrest Gump
(82) Big Trouble in Little China
(83) X-Men
(84) X-2
(85 ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Others
(86) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(87) Cruel Intentions
(88 ) The Hot Chick
( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(89) Old School
( ) The Notebook
(90) K-Pax
(91) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(92)Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(93)Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
( ) Walk to Remember
( ) Boogeyman
( ) Hitch
(94) The Fifth Element
(95) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(96) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
( ) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(97) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(98) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(99) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi…
(100) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
(101) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
(102) Trainspotting
( 103) People Under the Stairs
( 104) Blue Velvet
(105) Sound of Music
(106) Parent Trap (original)
(107) Parent Trap (the one with lindsay lohan)
(108) The Burbs
(109) The Terminator
(110) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
(111 ) Meet Joe Black
(112) Nightmare Before Christmas
(113) The Silence of the Lambs
(114) Sleepy Hollow
(115) I *heart* Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out
(116 ) The Virgin Suicides
(117)Legally blonde 1
(118 ) Legally Blonde 2
(119) Pretty woman
(120 ) Mean girls
(121) Terminator 2
( ) Terminator 3
(122) Waynes world
(123) Waynes world 2
(124 ) Blade
( ) Spongebobsquarepants the movie

124... Well we always knew I didn't have a life...

Friday Returns!

2006-01-13T12:22:00.000-06:00

I haven't done a weekly wrap-up in quite a while. Yes, this is completely because I suck. My week in review:

Fate's bitch of the week: Kinky Poe who was fired in record time from her new job. 12.5 hours was all it took, can you beat that? I didn't think so. Girl, this might in fact be a sign from the gods to strike out on your own (I only encourage this if myself and my parents can continue to recieve nearly free computer help and repair, I mean we feed you and stuff, so that should count for something!).

Friend who constantly wows me: Ivory Valentine better known on here as Khrysten, for her amazing home redecorating skills. Seriously take her to a Goodwill, Jo-Anne Fabrics, Michael's, Wal-mart and Kmart and she can redo a room for under $100!! Never stops amazing me. Go look at her Blog and see what I mean!
Person who finally has given me a chance: Eric who was the only person to ever accept my Blog Rental Bid. I was starting to think people hated me and this blog, but now I realize it's hard to get people who don't know your blog to let you rent it. Thanks Eric! And many welcomes to your readers!!

First Tenant: The blog rental bid thing is why, now, if you look to the left on the side-bar I am renting out my blog. I have a policy that it's first come first serve on the Tenant list. This means I am not just renting out to my pals, I'll rent to almost anyone (exception made to people who's blogs are nothing but sales pitches and shit like that, I want interesting tenants!). This week we have Scooter McGavin, who watches as much TV as I do, only he has UPN so he can watch Veronica Mars which makes me a very jealous girl. Go check him out, he's funny and doesn't just talk about TV. I swear. Click on him everyday so I look more appealing to other people who might want to take up space in the future!!
I somehow ended up with a MySpace account. It's a very sad account as I have no friends, well except Lysie and Michael. Because I am the height of creative my space over there is called Plural of Apocalypse (actually I just do this to be consistent so if people find something they know its probably me.) If you are looking to improve your sad assed friend list add me, and I'll add you and then we won't look so pathetic together.

Unfinished Projects Finished (keeping resolutions 101):
Finished reading Kevin Smith's Silent Bob Speaks. If you love Smith or have an unnerving crush on the Affleck I recommend picking this up. It's the humor you expect and some excellent hollywood gossip.
Christmas was packed into Christmas themed rubbermaids, or at least well marked and then transferred to the garage. I am so proud of this.
Napped: only 3 days this week, but as I am still sick I think this is acceptible. I even Dance Dance Revolutionized after work before Lost on Wednesday. Which is like workingout for the incredibly lazy. According to their calorie counter thing I burned off one can of Pepsi. Yay!
Money Issues: Socked away that $15 from my first paycheck of the new year into the old savings account. I also listed a shit load of My Little Ponies for sale over at the My Little Pony trading Post, although no one seems remotely interested so I think they are going to end up on eBay along with the handmade my little pony charm necklaces. Hopefully people will buy them, cos I need money dammit!! (BTW if you are a collector and interested comment on this post with your email addy and I'll let you know what's available. Yes I am this big of a whore!!) All of this week's icons were stolen from LiveJournal users cos I am evil. They are all Wonderfalls themed, cos I wonder why the wonder falls on me, constantly, like it's leaking wonder or something. Plus some kid once said I looked like Jaye (who's real name is Caroline Dhav...(something Greek)). Here's to hoping I find something excellent and interesting to say or something cool happens to me or the universe.

BTW: I cannot express the joy I experienced this week when I heard Angelina Jolie was knocked up. Don't ask me why, it was the happiest I've been for a celebrity since the Affleck-Garner conception. I don't even like Brad Pitt, so I don't exactly get it. Go ahead mock me.

Open Letter Day...

2006-01-12T13:51:00.000-06:00

Today I am posting two open letters. Why? because people are driving me insane. Seriously insane. I am a general misanthrope so this really comes as no surprise, but still...

Dear Women-Folk of Wausau:

I know that we live in the middle of nowhere. I know that it's cold out and you don't really feel like looking your Wal-mart fashion forward best. PLEASE for Christ's sake put on a pair of jeans. Pajama Bottoms, I repeat PAJAMA BOTTOMS are not appropriate 'leave the house wear,' especially if they are the following:

#1 Looney Tunes Themed
#2 Disney Themed
#3 Retro 80's Toy Themed
#4 Brightly colored and/or patterned
#5 Feature any cartoonish creature (ie: Winnie the Pooh,
#6 Made of fleece
#7 Made of flannel
#8 Worn with Sorel, Ugg or other boots
#9 Worn with your gigantic winter Parka
#10 PAJAMA BOTTOMS

I only bring this up because everytime I leave the house I run into you. You know who you are. I see you at the Shopko in baby pink Pepe Lepew fleece pants, and at the Urgent Care (a mother daughter team) wearing Tweety Bird and Care Bears fleece pants. I saw you at the grocery store, at 6 o clock at night in Mickey Mouse flannel pants. I watched you fill up your gas tank in rainbow hearts, with your shit-brown Sorrel boots tucked in while wearing your bright orange Columbia jacket. I see you everywhere!!

People already believe that the northwoods is backward, so when the people of the 'big city' up here think that bed-wear is appropriate to wear outside of the house you are only setting a bad example for others! I completely blame you for the little girls running around with 'Juicy' or 'Naughty' or 'Princess' written on their ass.

The only time it is appropriate to wear said pajama pants are in the following situations:

#1 Had to run out of house with blood covered child who might die if not gotten to emergecy room quickly enough (this goes for any injured family member or pet)
#2 You are at the laundromat cos all your other pants are dirty
#3: You are under the age of 10

That's it ladies, no more excuses. Put on a fucking pair of jeans already!

Dear People with Dogs in Wausau:

Your fair city has a leash law, I recommend obeying it. I am sick of watching you assholes walk down the street with your unleashed dog, mostly cos I am convinced the little fucker is going to jump in front of my car making me feel like shit for killing your dog. If you are walking with the dog then tie it to a string or some shit. Leashes aren't that expensive, check the clearance section of any store and you will find them!

A special note to the asshole with the gigantic house who owns the Golden Retriever with the shock collar behind my apartment building. Remember the day you were blowing leaves out of the gutters on your 3rd floor with the leaf blower (I shit you not, he was doing this)? The day I threatened that the next time your dog came up to my patio door and barked at my cats that I would drive the dog to the humane society? This offer still stands. Put the thing on a leash, or get a fence or just pay attention to it! And stop cleaning your 3rd floor gutters with the leaf blower cos I am not calling 911 when you fall dumbass!

In sum: Put your dog on a fucking leash, if you don't and I find it wandering the neighborhood or jumping in front of cars I will personally deposit them at the local humane society and turn you in for having a roaming unleashed dog. If you want to let your dog roam move to a farm!

That's all for now, more bitching ahead I'm sure...

Go check out Deux, there's a new Dammit Dick that involves President Bush and Strippers!!!

Stay Classy Blogsphere...

2006-01-09T09:34:00.000-06:00

I've been majorly ill (no, not illin'). So I haven't blogged. Shoot me. No, please, shoot me for real. Anywhoo here's the news cos it was all too good to pass up today! (and it's my cop out for not having anything genuinely interesting or funny to say)

It's Barry Gibb! Now appearing at Chateau Cash?

Um, It's Not a Confession if Everyone Already Knew (Heads up Nichole Richie, You're Next)

What Happens in Vietnam, Does Not Stay in Vietnam

Douglas Adams Was Right, Mice Are Smarter Than We Think

Please Deposit Your Balls and Spine Into this Jar, Welcome to Pussy-Whipped

Belafonte Just Got Added to the Strip Search List

He's Already Going to Hell, Why Add Insult to Injury?

Cheney Lives! (unfortunately)

Too Bad She Didn't Get Run-Over

Europe Abandons God, in Future Will Thank Absinthe for Award Winning Performances

Who Doesn't Love Jenna Jameson? Americans Love Porn!!

Don't Feed Your Dog Until You've Read This!!!! <~No, Seriously, this one is actually important.

Strange Fruit

Ahh, Sophomoric Pranks on Election Day, Good Times

But Where Will Francis Bean Live? Oh Yeah, Bording School

Now Will She Turn up on Inked?? Please???

Utah So Homophobic, Deemed Totally Gay by Homosexuals

Well until I have something more interesting to say... Stay Classy Readers!

Resolutions?

2006-01-03T23:09:00.000-06:00

It's 3 days past New Years and I think I should come up with some resolutions. Mostly cos it seems like all the hip kids are doing it.

#1 Limit visits to the old homestead to once per month (time permitting) instead of wasting every last cent I have just to seek comfort and sanity and abandoning my little furkids for days on end. (Original resolution was: Do not go home unless someone comes to visit, but then I'd be trapped up here forever cos the only person who consistently visits is Gene and that's just cos its convienent from his mom's abode)

#2 Read one book a month. I went through a phase in the last few months where I couldn't stop reading, but before that I had sort of dabbled, I love to read so I should do this. Currently I am reading Silent Bob Speaks by Kevin Smith, he is one funny fucker.

#3 Remember to actually keep in touch with: Michael, Nick, Andrea and Madeline. Attempt to actually visit them by saving money not heading southward (cept Andrea who is southward).

#4 Attempt to actually organize my life. First project: Get all Christmas shit into Christmas themed or marked containers. Second project: go through clothes, rearrange bed room, move one dresser into room (if not both). Third project: get spare bed into spare bedroom by going through shit in said room and cleaning it the hell out.

#5 At least once this year ride a horse. I miss it too much and am turning into quite the fat ass. Plus ponies is nice.

#6 Convince parents to come down for at least one fully cooked meal made by me. I have all these cookbooks and shit I want to cook and no one to cook for. They live an hour away and thus are my nearest victims.

#7 Stop taking shit from people and use my spine. Khrysten watered it for a reason, I should reclaim it from it's post halloween melt down.

#8 Finish my damn Firefly fan-fic, even if it means getting help from others. Write more often, update Plural of Apocalypse Deux more often. Possibly also this could include finishing craft projects I have just sitting around.

#9 Get off my ass and stop napping every damn day after work. Maybe only nap 3 days a week after work. hell if I can get this down to 4 days a week I'll be proud.

#10 Try to save at least $15 from every pay check. I know it doesn't sound like much but when you get denied food at the Aldi you know you are broke. This also means I will be looking for ways to save money on my bills, I need to cheapen my phone bill somehow and find new exciting ways to save money. Also I need to start selling on eBay again, I need the spare cash and if I am around on weekends this will be much easier.

#11 Get art and/or posters framed prettily so it doesn't look like the only things I have to hang on the wall are photos of me on a horse. Cos that's just kinda wierd.

For a full recounting of my new Years see Khrysten's Unfinished Thoughts (its on the sidebar I am being link lazy today) complete with Photos! Also The Deux has been updated again, go read my exciting evening involving rabid puppies eating ponies after being given brith to by Midge. Also I am so proud that 3 of my 4 Tags have taken the time to do their deed! You like me, you really like me! Riss, apparently, not so much (J/K she has kids and a far more interesting life than mine so I do not blame her).

I'm It!

2005-12-29T10:48:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged by Lysie, which I've got to admit, I don't mind! Here it goes...

Four Jobs You've Had in Your Life:
1. Horse Shit Shoveler
2. Gas Station Employee
3. Office Manager
4. Latent Fingerprint Examiner

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Shaun of the Dead
2. Rocky Horror Picture Show
3. Blade: Trinity
4. Serenity!!!

Four Places You've Lived:
1. Delafield, WI
2. Waukesha, WI
3. Wausau, WI
4. Racine, WI (I count it as a second home of sorts)

Four TV Show You Love to Watch:
1. Lost
2. Scrubs
3. My Name is Earl
4. Supernatural

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. Whedonesque
2. Specialty Purebred Cat Rescue
3. Hotmail
4. Firefly Fans dot Net

Four of Your Favorite Foods:
1. Campbell's Green Bean Casserole (yeah the one with the soup and the French Onions)
2. Beef Burgundy with Potato Dumplings
3. Swiss Cheese Fondue
4. Nachos/Taco Dip

Four Albums You Can't Live Without (at least for the moment):
1. Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway
2. Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes
3. Depeche Mode's Ultra
4. Robbie William's Swing When You're Winning

Four Places You'd Rather Be:
1. Greater Metro Milwaukee Area
2. Egypt
3. Prague
4. Munich

Now for the first time I'm gonna tag this out:
Four People Who Are Now Obligated to Do This to Their Blog:
1. Khrysten -Mount Up!!!
2. Croaker
3. Amanda
4. Riss

What's Your Sin?

2005-12-29T09:11:00.000-06:00

I love memes, and I will admit it! These two were just too good! (The Dante test was found on CallMeSerenity's LJ). Apparently I'm all about the Lust...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

What's Your Sin? Your sin has been measured. You have committed many sins, but Lust is the mortal sin that has done you in. Just below, discover your full sinful breakdown and learn what it is about you that condemns you to hell.

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Last Minute Gift Ideas...

2005-12-22T13:58:00.000-06:00

As per usual this is uncredited. I tried to find a credit for it, but I suck. I found it on google images so that makes it fair game according to me. Plus kittens + presents always = happy faces!

So I know there are a lot of you out there who have yet to buy your gifts. To you I say SHAME! But I also kinda understand. Christmas snuck up mighty fast this year, and I'm am sure you are sooooo busy that you couldn't be bothered with shopping.

Here are my top 5 suggestions of items to get for people in your family or your friends. These are all things I either own or lust for so I can tell you they are good.

#1: Serenity on DVD. Yes it's the Firefly movie, and yes it's damn good.
Who this is perfect for: Trekkies or Trekkers who love westerns too, sci-fi fantatic fathers, Battlestar Galactica fans (and if you head to best buy you get a coupon for $10 off BSG w/ Serenity), your little sister or niece who still hangs with the boys, anyone who thought the last 3 Star Wars movies sucked the ass.
Available at: Best Buy, Amazon, any place that sells new release DVDs.

#2 A Few Good Men Lip Balm Set. 3 different yummy tasting lip balms brought to you by the people at Philosophy.
Who this is perfect for: Shitty Teenage girl who's always wearing too much make-up, little sisters who are trying to grow up too fast, and mom's who love to bake but bitch that it collects on their ass.
Available at: Amazon, Marshall Fields, Younkers, Boston Store QVC, Nordstroms, basically anyplace that sells really nice cosmetics (or carries the Philosophy line).

#3 Dance Dance Revolution and Game Pad for whatever game platform you want (I prefer Xbox). This is highly addictive and great exercise.
Who this is perfect for: Fat cousin who spends all his/her time making love to their video games, mom or aunt (who have kids with gaming system) who are always talking about cardio workouts, little sisters and teenaged girls. Hell this is perfect for anyone who wants to get off their ass and move. Plus it's a lot of fun.
Available at: Game Stop, Funco, Best Buy, Toys R Us, Amazon, Game Exchange, anywhere video games and supplies are sold, just make sure you get a gift reciept in case you screwed up which platform they have.

#4 An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List by Laurie Notaro. Laurie's hilarious, seriously hilarious, I have read almost all of her books and I have never been disappointed!
Perfect for: Any woman with a sense of humor! Who will really appreciate it: quirky sisters, single female friends, cousins who lament that their life sucks. Trust me this book rules!!
Available at: Barnes and Nobel, Amazon, Borders, any self-respecting book retailer.

#5 Kill it and Grill it by Shermaine and Ted Nugent. Yes I said Ted Nugent, yes I mean that Ted Nugent. This is an awesome book for any hunter in your family. The recipes are easy to make, taste good (my dad has it), and have great stories accompanying them. Leave it to Uncle Ted to do this right!
Perfect for: Hunters, Survivalists, pwoplw who think the Apocalypse is on it's way, or people who might eat road-kill.
Available at: Gander Mountain, Cabelas, Barnes and Nobel, Amazon, Borders, blah blah blah.

Some generic recommendations (I can't make recommendations for every kind of person, frankly I don't have any kids to shop for, so I am limited to my sphere of refrence. Sorry, but you should have thought about this sooner!):

For a girl under age 8: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT buy them Bratz shit. Do not sponsor their future whore-dom today. Why not try: Polly Pocket, My Little Pony, or the old standby Barbie? These are all great toy lines that offer lots of fun and will mostly not breed future whores of America.

For a Mom: It made Oprah's Favorite Things list for over 3 years. It's Philosophy's Hope in a Jar, while you are there, also pick her up some Philosophy Amazing Grace body wash and body souffle. Trust me momma will love you for this.

I'd love to offer you more ideas, but that's all I have. Why? COS I ALREADY SHOPPED UNTIL I WAS BLUE IN THE FACE!!! Otherwise I'll be happy to make suggestions in the comments section if you come up with someone I haven't listed up here.

'til later, have fun finding a parking space while I watch TV suckers!!

Mostly Scrooge Free Zone

2005-12-20T23:05:00.000-06:00

Strangely, while this cat looks exactly like my orange cat Mister, it is not. This is the actual image off of my Christmas cards for next year. Sorry to ruin the surprise. Of course, used without permission, and I have no clue who to credit for this adorableness.

Christmas. Everyone's bitchin' about it. I heard that's what all the cool kids are doing. I'm not cool, well not really, so I can go ahead and say mostly nice things about Christmas. First the bad:

Top 5 Things I hate about Christmas:

1. Shopping Traffic (in store): I just want to go to the grocery store to get my pathetic single woman staples of Lean Cuisines and cat food, but no, every asshole has to run out and buy every baking supply, turkey, ham and candy cane in sight. Don't get me started on a quick trip to the Best Buy for my copy of Serenity.

2. Christmas Shopping Parking: Never in all my life have I had to walk like a block to get to said grocery store. Seriously. Why did everyone have to go out this minute????

3. Christmas Road Traffic (aka Seasonal Road Rage): Every asshole with an SUV has to hit the road, and has to drive like a complete ass. You drive a fucking humvee, a little ice isn't going to jack up your ride. I mean isn't that why you have it?

4. Screaming children: I hate them year round, but mostly I hate them when they are screaming about those fucking Bratz dolls.

5. Right and Left Wing Fuckers: You know the people I'm talking about. The people whoa re freaking out about calling it a Holiday Tree and those who want the baby fucking Jesus every 50 ft. with a clear reminder it is his birthday. #1 It's a Christmas Tree, The Jews have Menorahs they don't care about our Christmas Trees, they aren't offended. #2 The baby Jesus most certainly wasn't born in December. He was born either in spring or early fall. The Christians decided to convert a buncha heathens by coinciding the birth of the baby with the celebration of the winter solstice, proof that even in ancient times, the poor kid's birth was all about marketing.

Things I love about Christmas:

1. Cookies: All sorts of cookies that people don't make all year long. It's as if Christmas were open season on baking. I love it. I only hope that when my mom dies I can find all of her Christmas cookie recipes cos I love hers the best.

2. Yard decorations: While I am at serious odds with the people who have gigantic air filled SNOWGLOBES on their yards when they live in a place with SNOW, I still love a good yard display. As youngin's we used to love to expand our minds (I admit to nothing!, okay, everything) and drive around admiring all the lights. My dad's sister lives on Candy Cane Lane where they always decorate and offer tours for canned food items, it was always awesome (although my aunt never decorated, bitch).

3. Wrapping presents: Yes I am like Martha Fucking Stewart, I love to wrap presents. I love to make them pretty with ribbons and bows and coordinating papers. I like to add ornamental decorations, I love wrapping gifts. Its the thing I look forward to the most. I even offer to wrap other people's gifts. Hell, I wrap my mom's gifts (even the ones to me).

4. Christmas Music: I love the song 'Santa Baby' I know this is sick and wrong. I actually like Mariah Carey's version of 'All I Want for Christmas is You.' I love Nat King Cole and his fucking chestnuts on the fire. I even enjoy a little Redneck 12 Days of Christmas courtesy of Jeff Foxworthy. And who can't love Handel's 'Messiah'???

5. The Nutcracker: I love the ballet, and one of these years I am dragging my friends to see it. Nothing like the Sugar Plum Fairies to make a bit of holiday magic.

6. Family: I don't have a lot of family. Most of them have kicked the bucket. But my fondest memories with my grandma and great aunt are from Christmas. They always made it amazing. We had traditions and we still try to maintain them now that they are gone. This is probably the only time of year I still wished I lived at home so I could still make cookies with my mom and decorate their tree. My dad and I every year go Christmas shopping for my mom together and out to dinner. Now my mom and aunt switch dates for dinner (eve VS day), but it's still awesome. I think this is something to do with being German, cos we really celebrate Christmas in a HUGE way.

7. Charity: I try to give when I can throughout the year. Most people suck and are selfish and do not. This is the one time of year though that even those fuckers dig into their pockets and dump some change in the Salvation Army buckets. This makes me happy, but wish they did more year-round.

8. Snow: Don't get me wrong, I hate travelling in the snow, but I like looking at it from afar, in a warm house preferrably with a cat on my lap and cocoa in one hand and a crossword puzzle in the other (yes I am like 85 years old, I know this). Snow is only made prettier with Christmas lights.

9. Christmas Trees: Not Holiday Trees or Christmachahnakwanzaka Trees, fucking Christmas Trees. All covered with ornaments and lights, they are so pretty. I even collect blown glass ornaments and the more 50's -ish they are the better. I like the feel of old world or retro Christmas trees, there is something retarded about themed trees or trees only done in one color or covered in fruit or some shit. Give me a good old fashioned tree covered in shitty ornaments made by kids and I'll be happy.

10. Presents: I am not to proud to say that I don't LOVE getting presents. It's fun to see what people think you would like. I've gotten my fair share of duds, but overall most people get it right. It's sort of a test to see who really knows what you'd like. I know that's evil, but it is. I love giving them as much as I love getting them. I like the crack-rush of finding the perfect thing (which now has been scientifically proven).

So yeah, that is my mostly Scrooge-free post.

In other news:

Darwin-3 Jesus-0 : Intelligent went down in federal court in PA today. First Scopes, then Edwards, now Dover. When will they learn that no matter what you call it, it's still GOD, and it's not science! Keep it in your churches people, or I might have to show up and start preaching the good word of evolution (or the flying spaghetti monster, in full pirate regalia, and no one wants to see that people!)

My cats are at my parents and my apartment seems cold and empty without them. It's very lonely. I don't know how people live without pets. I'd throw myself off a bridge.

Finally Amanda, my wonderful site designer has won a Web Raisins Award for the design of this blog. I put her little trophy under credits, go admire it now. Then go tell her to make money off of this, cos I think she can, and Web Divas can't have all the business!

Tina Fey? I Wish!

2005-12-15T08:22:00.000-06:00

Guinea Santa photo from Reuters on Yahoo. Look at me attempt to credit an image. BTW: This photos is from Moscow's Club of Friends of Guinea Pigs, who held a big convention thing, and had a costume contest. Who would have thought tiny guinea pigs could be dressed?

The boss is away, so today I will play... with the news!! (aren't you just thrilled??)

Flint-Knapper is Not a Dirty Word!

2005, What a Year to Be Screwed Up

Real Patriots Don't Need Civil Liberties or Privacy Rights

It's Not Kidnapping, or Illigal When the US Gov't Does it

I'd Sue Mom Too

Plague Smuggler?

Someone Needs to Lay off the Pot

Firefighter Resuscitates Dog (It's too nice to make fun of)

He Said, He's Not Taking the Garbage Out Damnit

No Habla Robbery

Is It Wrong That I Want to Go on This?

That's the Holiday Spirit!

Quick, Get Me into This Rehab!!!!!

New Look!

2005-12-14T20:53:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the newly redesigned Plural of Apocalypse. There are still some minor tweaks (and this site is best viewed with Firefox) but this is pretty much my new look. A big thanks goes out to Amanda for her hard work and for putting up with my nitpicky crapity crap. I keep telling her she could make some money doing this but she just won't listen.

Other than getting prettier than Kaylee before a big shindig, nothing much is new.

I'm done Christmas shopping. Well except for the tweaking I need to do for Amanda and Khrysten, cos I can never be truely done for them. And I still owe Amanda a birthday present (sorry babe, times were tough, I was too busy wasting my money on ass). On Friday my Pappa is coming down to shop for my Mom with me, and I have to take him to the Gander Mountain (who recently held my credit card hostage). Why? Because my mother demanded that I take him there and not leave until he has found something for himself. Apparently if we don't he is getting nothing except for what I got for him, which would be sorta sad. I am fighting the urge to shop for my cats cos I know that only puts me one step closer to crazy cat lady.

I keep planning to rant about the holidays, but I'm burnt out on them, and at the point of just not caring anymore (wait, that's me usually). I do plan on doing a last minute Christmas gift list thingy, but that'll mostly be so you people don't give grandma a Chia Pet from the Walgreens again. Possibly a rant about ridiculous Christmas crap too.

Today it snowed like half a foot. My co-worker has already declared she is taking the day off tomorrow cos the roads will suck. If it keeps snowing she has a point, but I think it stopped which will make her preemptive strike look a bit ridiculous, ridiculous, yet still somehow familiar.

My dead mouse has been replaced with a fancy wireless one. I primarily bought it cos it was on sale and blue, which is enough to get me to buy anything.

In the News:

Duh, with a Capital D

Arrested Development + Weeds = Hilarious, Showtime Take Heed!

Duh, with a Little D

Israel in Alaska and More Crazy Iranian Ideas

We're Not the Boss of Canada

Body Shots Do Not a City Build

My Hook-ups Named Grannie, No Seriously

Dead Like Our Careers

Big Bird and Dead Bodies, Sesame Street Sure Has Changed

Finally, a Holiday inspired movie worth seeing: Surviving Christmas. Yes I said it, the one with Ben Affleck (my love), James Gandolfini, and Christina Applegate. I know it was blindsided with bad Gigli publicity, but Ben's better now (no more latina harpy, hello baby and Garner, cos if he isn't with me he should be with Jennifer Garner), and this movie deserved a better fate. Trust me it's hilarious. I was actually laughing out loud like a maniacal freak alone in my apartment. This is constantly on HBO's rotation right now, so catch it, cos you so won't regret it, and it might even put you in a garishly vulgur holiday mood.

BTW: Hop over to the Plural of Apocalypse Deux, it's actually been updated, I know shock me!

Also for the best viewing it is recommended that you go out and down load the Nuptial font (which is widely available from free font sites). Alternately you can google 'Firefly Font' and you should be able to figure it out from there.

I'm No Venus, That's For Damn Sure

2005-12-13T13:09:00.000-06:00

.:Mars:.

"You have a great enthusiasm and passion for
all that life has to offer. This is coupled
with a great amount of strength. You know
exactly what you want and are not afraid to go
after it. You love a good challenge and you
have a great deal of stubborness, which helps
you achieve your goals. Your enduring
determination is a great match for your
inventive mind. Your only drawback may be your
difficulty in letting others know how you
feel."

. : : Which Astrological Planet are You? : : . [10 Gorgeous Pics!]
brought to you by Quizilla

R.I.P Mouse

2005-12-11T23:09:00.000-06:00

I appologize to all the blogs and message boards and emails I have as of late neglected. As a state employee I have excessive amounts of leave time, which means for the rest of the year I have 3 day work weeks. Which leaves me at home. Generally I would love for nothing more than sitting in front of this box reading and commenting away on things that have nothing to do with actual life. But right now I am handicapped.

There was a time when I could have somewhat muddled through my computer experience without a mouse. It is possible, although not favorable.

My mouse is on it's last legs. This has happened before, but it always made a miraculous recovery. See it does this thing, the mouse will move the little screen arrow up or sideways, but down, well that's another story.

I am waging WWIII on the downward stroke with my mouse. BTW: I have taken it apart, there is nothing physically wrong with it, it just doesn't want to do it. My mouse pad is now upside down to create more traction. It's a five minute ordeal just to get to the bottom of a page.

So tomorrow I will be going to the Office Max or Depot or whatever the fuck it is up here and buy a new mouse. I have a gift card thing for there otherwise I wouldn't go there, I'd go somewhere with much better prices. I appologize if one of my friends went out and bought me one for Christmas, cos unless it's showing up in like 24 hours you might want to return it cos I can't stand this anymore.

RIP mouse, your day has come.

Listmania

2005-12-09T23:27:00.000-06:00

No, this is not another post where I will whore myself to Amazon in the hopes of someday getting $10 gift card to spend on something I don't need. I do have one of those Listmania things on there under the 'So You'd Like To' and mine is called "So you'd like to be ridiculed by people your own age for liking Buffy' yeah, I'm that adorable. No, this is about lists, and my terribly obsessive need to create them. I don't know when it started. I am not an organized person. I would live in an apartment who's decorating scheme could be described as 'Chaos Theory' if I could guarantee no one would ever come over and give me the 'you are a disgusting slob' eye. Granted I know where 90% of my stuff is, the other 10% probably doesn't matter until that one day I rip apart the entire apartment looking for something retarded like that faux-hair ponytail I bought at the dollar store 3 years ago for a custom My Little Pony that I want to finish, but can't without the hair from that ponytail (granted I will not find said ponytail and eventually give up cos I think I forgot to pack it). But still.

So this need to write lists baffles me. I blame my mother. See she's a little 'off.' She used to take excecssive amounts of clozanepam and lorazepam which are like relaxers. One of the side effects is you forget everything. So my mother had little notebooks all over the house with random things written on them (things only she would understand) so she wouldn't forget them. It started out with just crap she liked on the QVC and evolved into things to get at the grocery store or that she needs to call my dad and tell him he's an idiot. You know, normal things.

When she moved up north I apparently picked up this listing habit so the house wouldn't be lonely for lists. Mostly they were grocery lists, or lists of crap my mom needed my dad to bring her next time he came up north. It was harmless. Then I moved to Wausau. This is when it got strange.

I started writing lists of things to pack everyday (I was unemployed at the time), and lists of things I didn't have, but was certain I needed (like lamps and eating utensils). I started frantically filling spiral notebooks with random lists. I wrote down a list of every My Little Pony in a rubbermaid container, or a list of all my DVDs and VHS tapes for insurance purposes in case my apartment burned to the ground (and the notebook was somehow spared). Then Khrysten and I would write lists of our crazy ideas, or things like our favorite cannibalism movies of all time. I actually have a list of Blog ideas for when I run out of ideas (instead of actually typing these up I have a tendancy to just not blog at all). Then I started calling some of the lists 'catalogues' so I wouldn't feel like a nut job for having a list of every Buffy and Angel card I own or every Charming Tails collectible mouse I have. I told myself that these lists were so I wouldn't end up with doubles, but really they were just a way for me to continue my list insanity! At work I have a list of my current cases and their status, and a spreadsheet of cases and a notebook of completed cases and cases I put into AFIS. I also write lsits of things I decide I need or want or would like to have. Seriously. It's bad.

Now everyweek I write a list of everything I need to get done, grocery lists, and now it's that time of year when I write the list of everything I need to get people for Christmas. It's horrific. And the thing is, half the time I could give a shit what's on the list. I don't even accomplish most of it. It's the writing of the list that I'm into. It's like how I can't wuit smoking cos I'm addicted to the ritual of it, packing them, opening them, brushing off the tobacco schnibbles, taking one out, lighting it, holding it, ashing it, even when I am too sick to smoke I will light one and hold it just to feel it.

Here is an example of a list I might make at the beginning of the week of what I need to do, and the transalation of what it actually means.

1. Clean Cat Boxes - Wait until the overwhelming odor of Ammonia nearly knocks you out when returning home from work, or until when you look in the little door and you see mountians of cat refuse.

2. Take out recylcables - The hallway outside your apartment is not where the bag of soda and soup cans should live. The paper bag of empty cardboard Pepsi boxes is embarassing (look into Pepsi I.V. drip).

3. Sweep Kitchen and Bathroom - The floor is being taken over by dust bunnies and sand.

4. Mop Kitchen and Bathroom - If it's swept might as well go the distance. Also the kitchen shouldn't have spaghetti sauce splotches on it, nor should the entry way be encrusted with road salt that if your cats eat, will in fact kill them.

5. Pick up clothes - There is no path to the bed. If there is a fire you will be attacked by Levi's and tee-shirts. Might want to sniff-test these items to see if they need to be washed anytime soon.

6. Put Away Clothes - Utilize the walk-in closet and the 3 dressers you own, in addition to the rubbermaids of clothes. Consider giving clothes to 3rd world country where you are sure they would love a seer-sucker haltertop.

7. Clean off coffee table - Actually go through your mail. Please. Empty ashtrays and take toenail clipper off of table, same with cat nail clipper. There is no reason to have 4 bottles of lotion out here.

8. Throw out magazines - No one actually collects TV Guide or Entertainment Weekly. You do not need to keep them to refrence in the future for pop culture trivia. (Please note, I still can't bring myself to throw any of these out. I know it's retarded, but I just can't)

9. Fill Dishwasher - You don't eat this much, thus these dishes are old.

10. Vaccuum - It's that time of the month! (when we vaccuum)

11. Change sheets - You might be getting sexed! Alternately - Company is coming and cos the 'spare' bedroom is a mess of stuff you still haven't unpacked, 2 dressers, a saddle, a desk with computer and various other things you will have to give your bed up to your friends and sleep on the couch.

12. Put away seasonal decorations - There is no reason to have a halloween cat on your patio door in December, it's just wrong.

**Please note I am not a dirty person. I am psycotic about bleaching my kitchen counters and cleaning my bathroom. I am a cluttery lazy person.

Before anyone comes to visit it's like I turn into this complete nut-job who has to make sure things are nice looking. I don't want anyone to really know what a mess I am. A while back my dad declared that my apartment was not the apartment of a happy person, that it looked like I was depressed. So then I was all driven to make it look like a persona ctually lived here by hanging photos and stuff, but still it's a mess. It's just a happier mess that needs a list to keep it in check.

So beware of the lists. They are addictive, like crack for the underorganized.
Also I reorganized my Blogs That I Read Daily list (another damn list!). It's alphabetical, and Eric and Croaker have made it on there as well as Painting Chef and the 3 Bitches. Go check them out, they're good people.

A Cult of Me!!

2005-12-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

Doesn't it just figure??

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

50th Post News!!

2005-12-08T07:53:00.000-06:00

For my 50th post I thought I'd return to an old standby, the news! Lots of ridiculous things have happened recently so here they are, complete with headlines from me! Enjoy!

Ann Coulter, Still Stupider Than Me

When Anything Above Zero is a Heatwave!

Anarchist, Anthropologist, They all Start with A

"Unattended Children Will Be Given an Espresso and a Puppy."

Angels with Dirty Hands

Umm, Nice Guys Don't Yell Bomb!

Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy Extended to Torture

Bush #1 & Clinton Again Get More Done Than Current President

Sex Report: Tortured Artist Guy Gets More Cos He's Like a Schizophrenic!

Hit Man Hired Over Cheese

Eskimos Sue US Over Habitat Destruction

They Aren't Called Compassionate Creationists: Professor Beaten for Developing Intelligent Design/Creationism Mythology Class

Crips Founder Seeks Clemency to Continue Anti-Gang Work (and not die and stuff too) *BTW: When Winnie Mandela, Snoop Dog, Jaimie Foxx, Desmond TuTu, Jesse Jackson, Mike Farrell, Russell Crowe, Harry Belafonte and Danny Glover all support letting someone live because they can do more good alive than dead, you might want to think about it Gubernator.

A big thanks to anyone who still reads this Blog! I can't believe I had 50 things to say. Kinda creepy when you think about it!

These Precious Things

2005-12-06T22:58:00.000-06:00

Have you ever accidentally rediscovered a favorite artist? Today I sort of did. Don't get me wrong, I still love Tori Amos, I never really stopped, I just stopped listening.

One of my proudest moments involves vomiting on Michael Stipe's (of REM) shoes at the Riverside in Milwaukee. I was 15 and it was the Under the Pink tour (I believe) and Michael Stipe and her were buds at the time, and this very large man and him sat directly in front of us (which prompted one of the people I was with to wonder if we should ask him "What's the frequency Kenneth?"). I was sick as hell, but nothing was going to keep me from this damn concert. Thanks to it, I not only puked on Stipe, but I also met this girl Jaimie who was friends with my friend Sean after she heard someone ask if I was okay in the bathroom. I have an uncommon name, so she wasn't taking that huge of a chance by seeing if I was Sean's friend she had heard so much about. We ended up really good friends for the rest of high school (until her psychotic boyfriend moved her to Madison, and I became a raver and we totally grew apart, if anyone knows where to find Jaimie Fairbanks of Oconomowoc let me know!). Eventually Jaimie, Sean, our friend Dave and I prayed a lot for Trent Reznor and Tori Amos to have brilliant music babies (when this did not happen we figured we proved there was no god, cos if there was he would have made this happen). So this concert was one of those important moments of my young radical life.

I discovered Tori on a Mtv show called 'Alternative Nation' (yeah look at me show my age), where I saw the video for 'Crucify' and I was just amazed at this firey little red head. She was ballsy, and straddled her piano like she was fucking it, and she was a god damn revelation to a 14 year old. Her 'Little Earthquakes' album was one of the albums that shaped my young mind and got me through a heap of heartache and horrific moments. 'Under the Pink' was amazing, cos I was definately not a Cornflake Girl. It was just the shit. Plus, duet with Trent (who was my god to her goddess all through high school). After Boys for Pele she kinda lost me. I loved Tori, but I was confused. It just got a little too wierd after that.

I argue Tori opened the door for artists like Fiona Apple and Regina Spektor and all these piano wielding girls who followed afterwards. Actually she made it okay to be a girl and be angry and make beautiful music. Which just wasn't heard of. And still isn't so much. Women have apparently lost their anger and now would rather just sing about 'S8er Boi's' and how he broke her heart or whatever. Tori was angry, she was mad about rape, and that other women sucked and she wondered what was up with god, and her music had so much more meaning. Now I have pretty much tuned out since Boys for Pele, so if there's anything new and worth it let me know, dear readers.

Back to my point. The other day I downloaded 'China' off Kazaa (yes I am a bad bad person, let me explain), cos a few years ago my 'Little Earthquakes' CD up and walked away. So I bought 'Songs of a Librarian' (greatest hits sort of) to regain what I missed from LE and then that walked away too. So technically everything I downloaded I have already paid for at least once.

Again, Back to the point: I forgot how much China moved me. So I started downloading all the songs off Little Earthquakes and it was like a ton of bricks. A fucking revelation at 26, that this was a phenomenal life changing album. I'm no music geek (trust me 90% of my CDs are from High School), but this album is just fucking amazing.

So I've fallen back in love with Little Earthquakes. Cos if I thought it was somehow relevant to my little high school self (I was always so self important), now I see it even more so. It still moves me, it still makes me cry, it still makes me want to kick ass and take names. It makes me never want to settle for less than I deserve. Cos while Tori does write 'he broke my heart' songs, they say things like 'Maybe she's pieces of me you've never seen.' So now I give you a taste of Tori, lyrics completely belong to Tori, I only wish I could write stuff this good. If you don't own this album buy it immediately. I guarantee it'll move you.

Silent All These Years:
so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts,
what's so amazing about really deep thoughts,
boy you best pray that i bleed real soon, how's that thought for you?

Crucify:
every finger in the room is pointing at me, i wanna spit in their faces,
then i get afraid what that could bring.
i got a bowling ball in my stomach, i got a desert in my mouth,
figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

Me & a Gun:
it was me and a gun and a man on my back
and i sang "holy holy"as he buttoned down his pants
you can laugh, its kind of funny,
things you think, times like these,
like i haven't seen Barbados
so i must get out of this

Leather:
look i'm standing naked before you
don't you want more than my sex
i can scream as loud as your last one
but i can't claim innocence

Tear in Your Hand (the song I have on repeat):
all the world just stopped now,
so you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
let me take a deep breath babe,
if you need me, me and neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king.
neil says hi by the way
i don't believe you're leaving cause me and charles manson like the same ice cream
i think it's that girl
and i think there're pieces of me you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well
all the world is, all i am
the black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand
all the world is danglin'...danglin'... danglin' for me darlin'
you don't know the power that you have
with that tear in your hand
that tear in your hand
maybe i ain't used to maybes
smashing in a cold room cutting my hands up every time i touch you
maybe maybe it's time
to wave goodbye now
time to wave goodbye now
caught a ride with the moon
i know i know you well, well better than i used to
haze all clouded up my mind, in the daze of the why
it could've never been so you say and i say, you know you're full of wish
and your "baby baby baby babies"
i tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

Tiny Man Loved Fire...

2005-12-03T00:21:00.000-06:00

It’s Midnight Friday, now, Saturday. I’m bored and lonely and running out of ideas. Ever have moments when you actually start to believe you have absolutely nothing to say?

Yesterday I was awoken at 4am by the dying battery in my smoke alarm. I absolutely panicked. It was going slow, so I was trying to figure out if that meant the battery was dying or if it was some sort of warning that there was a fire, but it was really small right now. Maybe it needed to build up, as if it only beeped a little when there was a little smoke instead of beeping like mad for a raging inferno. So, at 4am I was sitting on my couch after having changed the battery (and trying to regain my hearing) debating whether or not my smoking might set off a new battery. Yes, these are the thoughts I have. I am special.

See I freaked cos I am sooo afraid of fire. This is strange for a smoker who loves to play with fire. I’m just terrified by the idea of burning to death, my cats burning to death and my entire life becoming a pile of ashes. I have no upstairs or next-door neighbor in my building so there would be no one to pull the fire alarm if the ever so inefficient electrical heating system somehow failed, or if the frat attack that used to live upstairs had fucked up some electrical cord on an important appliance. So I sat on my couch and stared at the stupid thing and waited for it to beep. It didn’t.

I was so hopped up on adrenalin that when I tried to fall back asleep I couldn’t. So, I laid there wondering if I just broke the smoke detector and now it wouldn’t work at all. I thought about pushing the tester button, but figured that considering the low quality of soundproofing in this building, that pushing it might wake up my neighbors. When I say low quality soundproofing what I actually mean is no soundproofing (the people who live over the apartment next to mine sound like they might as well live above me). So, I didn’t push the button (when I put the new battery in it did blare directly in my ear so I figured I’d be safe for the night).

I laid there and all that went through my head was: fuck, tomorrow’s gonna suck at work. See, I’m still in training. My boss has off on Fridays so I can’t actually work on case work cos he isn’t there to supervise. I mean I can work on it, but I can’t get anything actually finished cos he has to look over everything. So we sit around on Fridays and try to look busy by reading our manuals or catching up on the latent print boards and crap. This is hard enough to do when I have had a full night’s sleep. It’s nearly impossible when I haven’t slept. I debated calling in sick. But I can’t be that deceptive. Instead at some point I fell asleep.

What’s the lesson in all of this? Earlier on Thursday I looked at the damn smoke detector and thought, “Wow, I should change the battery in that. I’ll check it tomorrow.” Mind you this is something I’ve been telling myself since like day-light savings time kicked in. The lesson is this: change the fucking battery so it doesn’t wake you up in the middle of the night and fuck up your whole day. The only other thing I learned was that I can be confident that in the event that thing goes off for real, I will wake up. Yay for me.

Friday Favorites!!

2005-12-02T13:09:00.000-06:00

It’s Friday. Yup. Friday. Again. Nothing even remotely interesting happened this week. So I’m pulling an Oprah! Look! It’s BlackEyedGurl’s Favorite Things!!!

Today I am introducing a new sporadic series that will appear on here. It’s things I really like and think you should too. This is just in time for the holidays, and all of these items would make for fabulous gift giving!

This week’s Favorites? TV on DVD! All my favorite shows (lots of them were cancelled), some which you’ve probably heard of or seen, and some which might be totally new to you. If you want more information, click on the Amazon boxes to find out more. Yes I am trying to pull in a little revenue on here, mostly cos I might have to give blood to afford Christmas and every little bit helps! Also remember, I would not steer you wrong. These shows are worth every penny (except the ones from HBO which are too damn expensive, and were temporarily removed from the list!).

Firefly: My absolute hands down favoritist show EVER! Yes it’s a ‘space western’ but it’s so much more than that!!! Come on, how many cancelled shows get made into movies? Yeah it’s that good!! Like Deadwood? Like Star Trek? Try Firefly!! 500 years in the future Capt. Malcolm Reynolds and his crew pick up a few travelers, and their lives are never the same! Check out their legal, and not so legal adventures. For it being my favorite show this is the lamest write-up ever! Plus there’s a space whore (yes I said space whore!), check it out (also for a limited time on Amazon you can buy the TV DVD set with the movie DVD for under $50!! That’s a nice deal!):

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Chosen One Collection: Before Joss created Firefly, before Angel, before the mistake that was Alien Resurrection, there was Buffy. Like some moron I bought all 7 seasons in individual boxed sets. Then they go and release the Chosen One Collection, and I realize I could have saved a bunch had I had some semblance of patience. But I don’t, cos I had to have my Buffy. I’ll be the first to admit Sarah Michelle Gellar is not a terrific actress, but while the show is about her character, there are so many fantastic characters surrounding her that you find yourself not caring that she sucks (plus she gets beat on a lot). Vampires, Demons, and Witches, Oh My! A great purchase for your little sister who about to start High School, or for those in your life who swore ‘If I ever refer to high school as the best 4 years of my life, shoot me.’ The High School is Hell metaphor is one we can all get behind (also the show delves into post-HS woes, and trying to figure out how to be an adult, when you still feel like a kid). Good Times.

Angel: Angel started out as Buffy's one true love (whom of course she could never actually be with!), who just happened to be a vampire punished to walk the earth with a soul. But then they spun-off Angel, and took a few of the Sunnydale regulars with them, and the show got dark. This is the mucho darker version of Buffy. It's more depressing, it's more like being a grown up. Angel ends up creating his own group of supernatural fighters including: A demon who can read your soul when you sing karaoke, a physicist chick who got stuck in an alternate universe, a street wise black dude, a British watcher dude, A valley girl, and lots more! If you liked Buffy, but your boyfriend hated it, buy him Angel. He'll love it.

Other shows I love, and think you will too, but which I don't have time to write up descriptions for:

**ALSO Just for your Info: For the Buffy and Angel sets, if you go to Amazon you can get the seasons individually if you are finishing off a collection or aren't sure you want to spend almost $200 for a TV show. Click on either of the sets to get to the Single boxes!

Finally: KARMA's BITCH: Khrysten wins again. I don't even know how it's possible! I think she may in fact have this all rigged...
Karma's Literal Bitch: Sparky, my mom's Australian Blue Heeler, who slipped a disk in her spine this week. Or she ruptured it or something, all I know is when I left on Sunday she couldn't walk. Now she's hopped up on steroids and painkillers, and my mom says she's good as new. Not bad for a dog older than time!

Waiting...

2005-11-30T21:59:00.000-06:00

So I'm sitting here waiting. I'm waiting for the water to heat up so I can have a shower. I washed dishes and thus used half my water heater's water (it sucks its small and useless). So I wait.

I wait a lot.

Think about how much time you spend waiting for things: toast, microwave, in line, for a call, for an email. In this day and age of have it now, we still spend a lot of time waiting. This is good though, it gives us time to think. Think about where we would rather be, what we'd rather be doing, than sitting here right now waiting.

I wait some more.

I think about things. Like the fact that I haven't had anything interesting or funny or cute to say in days. I wonder if it's all dried up. I think about lighting another cigarette even though I just stopped smoking one like minutes ago. I wonder if that hour nap I took before Lost will effect my ability to sleep even though I have consumed no caffeine since I left work.

I wait still.

I wonder if I'll ever finish that story I started. I think about how much longer I can hold out up here, in the north, with no one. I think about how happy I was this summer and wonder if that'll come again. I realize this blog post is uncharacteristic of me, and I say so be it.

Still waiting.

I think about Christmas and try to figure out how I'm gonna afford this. I considered taking out a bank loan to buy gifts, but that just seems wrong. I wonder if my raise will kick in for my next check. I wonder if it'll actually impact my income. I think about more things to sell on eBay or somewhere to make the extra money. I realize I think too much about money, and hate that.

Fuckin' stupid water heater. Takes decades to heat the water and then produces barely enough for one shower. I wonder how more than one person can live in these apartments and both take showers in the morning. I'm thinking they can't, unless they share.

I realize I'm rambling, and go find another way to waste the time.

Post-Holiday Madness

2005-11-28T21:35:00.000-06:00

Ahh... the holidays. Sorry I have been MIA and missed my weekly wrap-up and a Spanksgiving post and all that rot. I was up north visiting my parents (yes it is possible to get further up north than here before Canada), and they only have dial up, and it's really hard to check my blog let alone post with that. So here I am, many days and about $27.75 short.

This will be a completely random post. I appologize for my posting ADDHD:

Things I am thankful for:
The Tripod, cos without Amanda and Khrysten I would be lost. We're a fuckin' tripod, let no man tear us asunder (or rip one of our legs out).
My Fur-kids. I may have declared Jihad on one of them, but I love my kitties. They have kept me from driving my car into the quarry on more than one occasion.
The Hidey Place of Nice Boys and Girls thread on Fireflyfans.net. Let your freak flag fly!
My family, cos they make me feel like I am awesome and super and not a loser.
Hurricane Season: Yes I know it's a terrible tragedy, but I like watching mother nature take back what's hers. Plus it gives me something to watch besides reruns on Sci-fi.

Things I am not thankful for:
War, cos I think that those who have served our country and have done their time should get to leave. Stop this extension shit.
The attack on abortion rights that is starting and likely to continue. If they succeed I will assist in driving women to Canada to exercise their right to choose there.
The drivers of Wausau, cos they are all on crack or are just plain crazy.

This weekend (Thursday through Sunday) my mother actually tried to add all 10 lbs of holiday weight gain onto me. Seriously. Take a look:
Thursday: Appetizers including veggie dips, cheese ball, pumpkin dip (thanx K, it was a huge hit!), French onion soup, turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, rolls, corn, cranberry sauce, stuffing, gravy, yams, pumpkin pie, cheesecake, & berry pie
Friday: breakfast: scrambled eggs, sausage and toast; lunch: turkey sandwiches with chips and pickles, dinner: venison goulash and left over sides from thanksgiving
Saturday: breakfast: toast, lunch: chili and corned beef sandwishes with pickle and chips, dinner: pizza
Sunday: breakfast: scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast, lunch: lebeknadel suppe (liver dumpling soup, one of my most favoritest things), dinner: linguine with clam sauce and rolls

See? She's trying to kill me with food!!!

I did go out shopping both on Black Friday and Saturday. I think I spent maybe $100 total, which is good. I only spent $20 on myself, cos I needed a nicer X-mas tree and so I got this cool pre-lit one for $22.50 at Menards. While decorating it I realized that all of my ornaments are too nice to keep around my cats (who thus far are showing no interest in my tree), so I have to go find or buy some crappier ones. Here it is all prettified (I need to get a tree topper still cos I can't find mine, I think it got lost with some of my moms stuff):

So I finally started the great Christmas shopping. My mother is almost done. My aunt and uncle will be easy, but the other 2 legs of the tri-pod, my dad and my mom's friend Mary (she's like a member of the family) will be tougher. I am confident now that I have started nothing will keep me down!

Other than the tree this is the height of my holiday decorating:

Yes I have a fireplace in my apartment, I only use it when guests come over, although I have a feeling I'll use it a lot more this winter for supplemental heat. I like to burn Super Happy Fun Logs, which I name after famous quadrapulegics or parapulegics (can't spell either for my life). I will explain this in another post some other day.

Otherwise, the Holiday Karmic Bitch Award goes to: Khrysten. Check out her blog to see all 10,000 reasons why.

I promise to post more now that I have returned to cable internet! Tchuss!

Fan-atic

2005-11-23T13:18:00.000-06:00

So, I've been reading the Harry Potter books, and you know what I realized? I am not a Harry Potter person. I should offer this caveat. I am a prone to obsession over fiction.

Case and Point: I am a Buffy and Angel junkie, but my heroin is Firefly. I push these fandoms on everyone I know, I seek people out to convert and when I do I have temporary satisfaction. Of course this is the kind of Sci-fi fanatacism that cannot alone be fueld by reruns on TV. No I own 7 season of Buffy, 5 Seasons of Angel and the only season of Firefly on DVD. Each disc has probably been watched a minimum of 5 times. Cos I get all hooked. I can't stop myself. Then came the trading card collections, and then statues, action figures, comic books, novels, philosophy books, anything related to the 'verse. I've even been to a Buffy convention, yeah, I am this big of a geek. I can't help it. I love these characters. Hell, I've written fan fiction for all of these series, some of it just pure smut (cos you never get the good stuff on TV so you have to make it up). I drove 6 hours to see Serenity at an advanced screening in Chicago in June, then I proceeded to see the movie at midnight opening night, then I took my dad, then I went again with a fan and I would have gone again but our theaters dump movies at lightning speed. I've already ordered my copy of the DVD, I have plans to buy copies as Christmas gifts for anyone who I know won't buy it on their own. I need help.

Back to the Potter, I think I'm all fanned out. I don't think I have room in my rapid little heart for any more fandoms. I mean there are Star Wars people, Trekkies, Trekkers, Lord of the Rings fans (Ringers), now there are the Lost obsessed (which I am half heartedly, I just can't keep up with all of it), and then there are Whedonites and Harry Potter fans. Hell the Whedonites are even broken up into Firefly/Serenity only fans, Buffy only fans, Angel only fans, and then any mix of the 3, and all 3. It's insanity. I'm full up on fandom. I've reached my limit.

The books are a nice, easy, enjoyable read, but I wouldn't madly hit refresh on my computer like a mad-woman to get advanced screening tickets for the movie. While I am trying to design and finish a Inara/Nandi costume, I would never find a need to make a cloak or cape or whatever and eat Bertie Bott's Beans. I think people can get full-up on fandoms, or get burnt out (the lead up to Serenity's release was chaotic). I think I'm full-up.

Granted I will never ever think people with fan-obsessions are strange or wierd or whatever, cos I know what it's like to be one of them. It's great. Some people think you do it cos you are a lonely sad pathetic person who'd never been out of mom's basement and who's never known the touch of the opposite sex. On the contrary, most of them are the most interesting, creative, exciting people I've met. Never discount your average geek. They enjoy these fictional realms cos everyone needs a little fiction in their life, without it we go mad cos the real world is really depressing. Escaping for a little while is fun.

And just remember The Geek Shall Inherit the Earth.

Again, With Nothing to Say

2005-11-23T00:04:00.000-06:00

Once More with Feeling... Okay I have nothing to say still. I've been getting out most of my ire, and catchy lines in the Fireflyfans.com forums. I know, this makes me a freak, but I like it that way. So instead I give you a photo retrospective of me: Enjoy!

Look! It's me and my close friend Prince!

Me with Curls!!!

Eveningwear, Maid of Honor at my friend Andrea's wedding (I so need to call her, I am the worst friend ever) My eye looks suspiciously fucked up though...

Me with LONG porn star-ish hair. This is me and my dad, who is German, I swear! This was the," just in case you die on your flight to Egypt we will have this to remember you by" photo taken at Mitchell Field in Milwaukee.

After seeing these pictures I realize how nice I look with blonde hair. Righ tnow it's sort of grown out in what I assume is my natural color, but the blonde is so very pretty. Darnit all!

Hoping tomorrow I will have something to say...